


As Long as I Breathe

by bright73



Category: Young Riders
Genre: Adventure, Drama, Gen, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2002-09-26
Updated: 2002-09-25
Packaged: 2017-10-20 18:28:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 21
Words: 54,549
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/215812
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bright73/pseuds/bright73
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A Kiowa reservation is under siege. The Sweetwater families are caught up in events they cannot control of foresee.<br/>Only pray for the survival of loved ones.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Co-written with Becca

"If we lose some of the Indians we'll not be needing the money you've gambled away...sir, I will take care of it all and nobody will ever find out."

The colonel flinched at the tone of voice in the expression "sir". The man spoke with flagrant contempt, he knew that. And he also knew the man had him. There was no way to get out of this without losing everything if he didn't accept the man's offer. The colonel turned to face the man who was willing to write off his debt if he was nominated Indian Agent of the territory the Kiowa tribe inhabited. He had no clue why the man was so eager, and truth be told, it didn't concern him much as long as the man did what he promised to. His card games had already carved a big hole in the budget and now it had to be covered somehow. The man in front of him promised him it would be. So why was he hesitating in granting him the title?  
"How would you do it?"

The man stared at him for a moment. "Do you need to know?" he then asked with a voice that made the army officer shudder.

"Yes I do, it's still my responsibility."

"There are illnesses that will kill half of the inhabitants quickly and efficiently. The rest will be taken care of in other ways. Ways that will seem totally natural after the disease."

The colonel stared at the man that talked of genocide with such ease. Was there a hint of pleasure in his voice? No, he couldn't let the man go through with this, it was too cruel.

"Will you rather have your wife and children suffer?" the man asked. "Your son will never be the army officer he dreams of becoming--not since his father dragged his name in the dirt. You will with all probability be imprisoned for a long time, if not sentenced to death. What will that do to your wife?"

The colonel felt cold shivers run down his spine as he pondered the ramification his actions, the simple card games, had brought to him. And not only to him, but to his whole family.

"All it takes to take all that away is your name right here!" The man was pointing at the document lying on the desk.

The colonel took the pen and dipped it into the ink bottle. He hesitated for a while before signing the document, making Daniel Burgh the Indian Agent in territory he was in charge of. When his son's face flashed before his eyes, he lowered the pen onto the paper and signed it.

The deed was done.

 

 

Dawn stood back, admiring her work. She smiled mischievously, thinking about Buck's sighs when she embarked on the endeavor of building this sweatlodge on her own, declining his offers to help--his relentless offers. Dawn smiled as she thought about her husband's eagerness to help and give advice driving her out of her mind. She needed to show their children their heritage and she needed to do this on her own. There was not only the Indian heritage she needed her children to know about. She had a part of Nordic blood running through her veins too, the side of her Buck called mystical, making Dawn laugh at him. Birch sap was good for the health, nothing mystical about it! And mead was good. The sweatlodge was only the beginning. Tomorrow Buck was going to escort her and the children to meet her brother. It was high time they experienced life in the tribe. Not the life she was used to, though.

The thought of the Kiowa living on the reservation saddened her, but they'd still get to know a part of their family. She smiled as she remembered Hope refusing to follow her to the village if Noah and Dog weren't allowed to come too. The fights they had over the issue only led up to Dawn giving in leaving Hope at Lou's and taking Emma instead, all to keep some peace around the house. Well, Hope would be safe with her friends, and her father would be around as soon as he'd dropped her off.

She walked around the small hut once again, checking it out. It was more of a sauna than a sweatlodge really. She smiled remembering her mother's words: "Finns are actually very like Indians. The first thing they build on a new homestead is a sauna. The house can wait." The function of the house was the same anyhow, a cleansing of soul and body. The small hut would be her connection to the world, both the worlds, she had left to stay with Buck. Not that she regretted her decision for a minute, but some of the things she left behind needed to be handed down to her children.

As she turned the corner, she bumped into a smirking Kid with her eldest daughter Blossom at his side, both grinning mischievously.

"Ma! Kid's right!" Blossom giggled peering at her from behind the Kid and holding a hand over her mouth not to show her mirth. To Dawn's dismay, Blossom had inherited her giggle.

Dawn threw her husband's companion, in more than just running the farm, a dirty look. "About what?"

"That wall is definitely crooked!" Blossom squealed and pointed at the wall that had made Dawn curse on several occasions. The dirt under it seemed to give in, making the hut sink slightly into the ground, causing the wall to lean inwards. She had fought that wall for a week, steadying it with stones underneath. It was standing straight now. But Buck, and now obviously even Kid, kept pointing out the initial mistake she'd made.

"I'll give you crooked!" she yelled and took a leap in Kid's direction. That friend of her husband's occasionally drove her hopping mad with his innocent remarks.

Kid chuckled and started running for the house, Dawn on his heels, ready to dip him into the water trough if she got her hands on him. She could take a lot but the grin on Kid's face was just too much.

Blossom followed them, giggling at them both.

"Lou! Help!" the man in front of her chuckled as he ran toward the house his family inhabited. "She's attackin' me!"

Dawn saw both Buck and Lou standing outside the house, laughing themselves silly. As she reached them Kid took cover behind his wife and Buck stopped her own pace by enfolding her in his arms, steadying her to her place and kissing her ear while he laughed at her rage. "We're just teasing you sweetheart! The wall's just fine but you gotta come in and have some dinner, you've been out there for hours!"

Dawn squinted her eyes and glared at her husband. Buck smiled and hugged her tighter into his embrace. "I mean it Dawn, the wall's just fine!"

Loving to have him squirm, she pinched him lightly. "You told him about the wall!"

"Dawn!" Kid laughed, "he didn't have to tell me. Your building is worse than Lou's cookin'! Ouch!" Kid had to step away from Lou as she swatted him rather hard on the arm.

"Kid!" Lou growled, "you might want to be careful in choosing your words or I'll help Dawn have you regret you were ever born!"

"Oh please Lou! I'm sorry, I love your cookin'!" Kid clenched Lou into his arms, securing her arms in a tight hold. Tilting his head, he smiled teasingly at her. "Specially like that burnt porridge you serve every once in a while."

Lou was furious. They all watched as the rage rose in her. But Kid just lifted his eyebrows in her direction, waiting for her retaliation. Then she smiled seductively at her husband and told him in the sweetest of voices, "Since you like it so much and I love you so dearly I'll see to it you have it every morning, sweetheart!"

Buck laughed and pulled Dawn closer to him. The scene in front of them made Dawn laugh too. Lou was going to make Kid regret mentioning her occasional mishaps in the kitchen, she could tell that from her friend's demeanor. And Lou was great at making Kid squirm. Heck, Dawn had learned a lot from her in the years they had shared their lives on this farm.

Their bickering was stopped by a cry from the crib on the porch. Dawn freed herself from Buck's embrace and rushed to the crib containing her one-year-old son Ike who had started to wake from his nap. Lifting her son up into her arms, she smiled, hushing him softly. She never wanted this to change, her life with Buck and her children, the daily struggle that was so comforting, her friends around her making her feel safe and loved by them all.

Her eyes fell on the little group of children emerging from the house, complaining loudly about their hunger: Hope, her four-year-old daughter and Noah, Kid and Lou's youngest son who had formed a liaison with the Dog--the three musketeers, and Emma, rolling her eyes at Blossom, both finding their parents ridiculous--the pair that made both her and Lou occasionally regret having children at all.

Nope, she never wanted to change anything. This was her life and she wished everything would forever be the same. She turned her eyes in Buck's direction as he walked up to her and their son. His loving gaze told her he felt exactly the same.

 

"Emma!" Kid called from behind the wagon that slowly rolled out of the yard. "Look after those two hotheads you're accompanying. Don't let that aunt of yours drag you into any kind of trouble, like building sweatlodges or such!"

 

"Dad!" the girl sighed but couldn't help giggling as she watched Dawn throw a broad, yet crooked, smile in her father's direction. Emma could tell Dawn was just waiting for the right moment to get back at her father. She knew her father would get it and good at the first occasion that would most certainly arise.

Dawn halted the horses just enough to try to find something to say to the grinning Kid.

The pair was standing on the porch, Hope was holding Kid's hand and giggling. She squinted her eyes and let them wander over to Lou whose eyes were glittering, with repressed laughter, Dawn gathered. Noah was sitting securely on his mother's arm, waving frenetically at them.

Buck too chuckled, trying in vane to hide his mirth from her.

"Buck, you're supposed to be on my side!" She swatted him lightly on the arm holding the reins.

"I am Dawn, I am. It's just that he's right you know!"

"I'll never live through this thing will I?" Dawn complained as she waved her hand at the group standing on the porch. "I just forgot to open the damper, darn it. It worked as soon as I did, didn't it?" She scooted closer to her husband, giggling as she remembered the disastrous trial of the sweatlodge/sauna. Ok, it had gotten smoke-filled and the fire had died out. But she had solved that problem. Wasn't her fault Kid and Lou couldn't stand heat. But it had been hot inside that cabin, damned hot. When she got back she'd see to it to get that ventilation fixed!

Buck pulled her closer and took the reins as the horses picked up a steady trot.

"Buck," she whispered snuggling tightly into his side, "keep them all safe until I come back."

"I'll miss you so much, Dawn!"

"I'll only be gone a week Buck!"

"It seems like an eternity already."

Dawn lifted her head from Buck's shoulder, glancing briefly at the children in the back of the wagon. Ike was snoring already and Emma and Blossom were engaged in one of their games. They made hideous faces at each other and then laughed, hiding behind the sacks of grain. Dawn smiled at them, the way they found ways to entertain themselves was sometimes bewildering.

"The house will be so empty," Buck complained into her hair.

Dawn let out a laugh. "Can't believe this is the same man that muttered loudly last night when Ike cried for an hour!"

Buck kissed her cheek. "One forgets so easily."

"I'll hold you to that Buck, next time Ike's teething."

"Dawn, I hope he gets all his teeth this week! I can take almost everything, but when that child starts crying like that it just rips my heart out!"

"I love you too Buck."

 

 

On the Indian reservation a man readied himself to fetch his "sister", the only child of his father's brother. He smiled as he thought of the girl that had grown into a woman--a thing they all strongly had suspected would never be. Softsong, his wife had not believed him at first, laughing at him when he told her about his dreams of Dawn expecting her first child. But now she was the mother of three children, children he had seen just once, when Hope was two. The youngest, her son Ike, he had not seen at all. She was expected, the whole reservation was preparing a feast to celebrate the daughter of the warrior that had lead them to so many victories. Walks-softly just wished Dawn's husband could join them. He wondered why Running Buck was avoiding them. He was a Kwu-da and he was welcome. Maybe he would be able to talk some sense into the new Indian Agent that definitely was going to be trouble.

He mounted his horse and saluted his wife, riding out to meet his sister. It was high time his sister showed up and proved she was a woman to be proud of, a true Kwu-da in spirit. He squeezed his legs around the horse that answered by picking up speed only to be stopped by a man that stepped into his path with a rifle aimed at him.

Walks-softly sighed and halted his horse. Extending a paper to the man, a docuent that clearly stated he was allowed to leave the reservation to fetch his sister and her family who would be his guests for a week.

The man obviously did not know to read since he held the paper upside down. He himself was no expert in the English language, but he was able to recognize when the letters were being held upside down. Rolling his eyes he waited as the man went for somebody to interpret his own language scribbled onto a paper.

The new Indian Agent stepped up to the man and read the paper. Lifting his shoulders he nodded, he could not go against the former Agent's written words, however much he wanted to.

Walks-softly always found the white way of relying more on written words than spoken to be funny. It was downright ridiculous when some of the men could not even read the written words.

The man walked back to him and returned the piece of paper that seemed so important to them. Shoving the paper inside his buckskins he kicked the horse into action.

Daniel Burgh followed the man with his eyes until he was gone from sight. Then a triumphant smile spread over his face. "Enjoy your ride, it might just be your last! The more of these goddamned redskins you bring me, the more gets to bite the dust!"

He turned to the men unloading the deadly cargo that had arrived. He was going to wipe this reservation from the face of the earth.

And it would all seem perfectly natural.


	2. Chapter 2

Buck sighed as he readied himself to leave the reservation. He did not feel good about leaving Dawn here all alone. Alone? Buck had to smile at his thoughts. Dawn was not alone. That brother of hers had talked him into riding all the way to the reservation and staying the night, just to get them all settled. Walks-Softly and Softsong were just the same as he remembered them, capable of talking him into anything.

He wondered if they had picked the skill up from Dawn or if it was the other way around? Looking into Dawn's eyes while he was readying his horse for the ride back, he found himself smiling broadly. Her eyes twinkled and he couldn't believe he was about to return home alone. But he had to. Horse traders were coming and he could not leave Kid and Lou alone. Dawn had made it clear to him she needed to show her children the Indian way and knowing Buck's torn soul, she preferred to do it on her own.

But leaving her here felt strange. They had not been away from each other for more than two days since they were married. Now she was going to stay a week!

Little Ike squirmed in his mother's hold and Dawn handed him over to his father.

"Dawn!" he said picking Ike up in his arms, kissing the boy's cheek loudly. The rascal was not quieting down; he still wriggled in Buck's arms. Buck sighed and tickled the boy who giggled happily. Holding his son, he smiled at his wife and repeated her name, just to hear the sound of it.

She tilted her head and looked expectantly at him. Buck could not formulate any words at all while she looked at him like that. They stood there their eyes locked on each other for the longest time. Ike drooled on his father and prattled happily. Dawn smiled at them and silently crept up into Buck's free arm, enfolding both him and Ike.

"Was there something you wanted, Buck?"

 _Yes, I want you to come home right now! I don't feel good leaving you here, Dawn!_ The thought suddenly hit him, like a lightning from the cloudless sky. But the happiness Dawn's face radiated made him shut up. Instead he smiled at her and pulled her closer. "I'm just gonna miss you so much."

"Buck, I'm with my family, everything will be fine. I'll be back before you even notice!"

Buck sighed at her statement. Hell, he missed them all already and he hadn't even left. "You don't know what you're talkin' about woman," he complained.

Dawn let out the famous giggle again as she slid out of his arms, taking the wriggling Ike back into her arms. "Buck, get going now!" She still laughed when she turned and walked away to the teepee she was sharing with the kids. Waving at him, she swirled around one last time to salute him. Little Ike giggled, just like his mother, and waved at his father before he directed his attention to the children playing on the ground further ahead.

"Just take care!" he shouted out after her. He was still not able to shake the uneasy feeling leaving her alone provoked in him.

 _Buck Cross,_ he told himself sternly, _you're imagining things!_ With one last glance at the village, he mounted his horse and rode out. He kept his eyes straight ahead to keep himself from turning back and getting her and the children, a dark shadow silently following him at a distance.

 

 

Buck took the secret road out of the reservation, the road only the natives knew about. It was shorter and sheltered from sight. It would lead him back to the homestead earlier. He was deep in thought, making the horse run fast to gain time. He was awakened from his deep thoughts as the horse seemed to sense something coming up ahead. Buck pulled the reins to slow the horse down.

As they turned from behind the trees up to the plain, Buck spotted a wagon standing still. There were two men in front of it. They didn't seem to carry any weapons so Buck rode up to them without any hesitation. The men walked away from the wagon to meet with him.

"Need some help?" he asked.

"Daniel sent you?"

"Daniel who?" Buck wondered, getting off his horse.

He heard coughs from inside the wagon. "Somebody sick?" he wondered.

The men looked at each other. Something in their demeanor made Buck take a step back. He sensed something was wrong. When a shadow moved behind the wagon, he flung himself onto the horse. Then a sharp pain spread from his shoulder before he actually heard the shot. The impact was hard enough to send him off the horse. He had no time to gather himself before three men stood hovering over him, wanting to know who he was.

"I'm just a farmer passing by," he told them through gritted teeth, his shoulder starting to throb violently. He put his left hand around the wound and squeezed hard to stop the bleeding. The pain almost made him pass out.

"A farmer, my foot," one of the men snorted. "You're a half-breed!"

"He's seen too much, let's get rid of him!" A pale man with gray lifeless eyes leaned further in over him.

"We can't kill anybody! He might just not be lying, what if somebody starts to look for him?" The younger man stated his opinion in a secure voice. "You know what we've been told! Can't cast no suspicions in our direction. It has to look natural!"

Buck's mind raced at their words. What was going on here? What had to look natural?

"Then let's get him into the wagon and he'll get the flu! That natural enough for you?" the gray eyed man asked the younger.

"You're such a fool McGovern," the young man snorted. "You know there's no way to guarantee death with the flu. Hell, you should know it, you survived. That's why we got the zinc!"

Flu? Zinc? Buck was at a total loss. Were these men all out of their minds? And who the hell was Daniel? He struggled to seat himself up but was stopped with a hard kick to his ribs. Panting he fell down again. The men staring at him.

"I knew he was trouble," one of them said. "Lucky for you I followed him. You two should learn to keep quiet," he hissed at the men at his side. "Your big mouths will get us all into trouble."

"We'll beat him up and pour liquor on him. His folks will think he had one too many and got into a fight. You know Indians! Sweetwater ain't too far from here and everyone will think he just died naturally if he lays too long out in the sun and gets fried," the youngest of the men said quietly.

Buck tried in vane to crawl out of the men's reach; their coldness in contemplating his upcoming death was mind wracking. The man with gray eyes calmly lifted the rifle and swung it into Buck's side. Even though Buck had time to get out of the range, the blow was hard enough to send him sprawling a few feet away. Struggling hard to get to his feet, he was struck again and while he was on his knees the third and final stroke left nothing but darkness around him. His final thought went to Dawn, her face swam before his eyes when he sank into painless oblivion.

 

 

The next time he woke he found Lou's eyes peering into his, her face pale with worry. He wondered what had happened and tried to ask her if something had happened to Kid. He moved his lips and the pain hit him hard. As it did, the memories flooded his mind. All he managed to say was "Dawn" before a moan silenced him and his eyes fluttered close again. He tried to fight to stay awake but Lou's scream for Kid exploded into his head and he sank back into the darkness.

 

 

Lou was frantic. "Kid!"

Kid came rushing in through the door. "Is he worse, Lou?"

"I think he tried to speak but couldn't. All he said was Dawn and then he passed out again."

"That's it Lou, I'm riding out there. I have to see what happened! We can't wait for him to wake up and tell us, it's been three days already! Teaspoon and Rachel will watch the place while I'm gone. Jeremiah is more than capable of handling the chores in the stable for the time being."

Lou knew Kid was right but still she wished Buck would come around to tell them what had occurred. Buck had been found outside Sweetwater, shot and battered to a bloody pulp. Doc hadn't been too sure about his survival. She and Rachel had sat with him every minute of the day, Kid and Teaspoon during the nights.

He was barely hanging on until yesterday when Doc told them he'd survive, but he couldn't tell how long his recovery would take. The story was that he'd been in a fight at some saloon. No one at the homestead believed that for a moment but the mutual decision had been to wait until he woke to give them some clue about what had happened. But now Lou could tell Kid wouldn't wait around any longer. She could tell he had to ride out.

"Kid, I'll come too!"

Kid took hold of her elbow. "Lou, sweetheart, I know you wanna go but they need you here! Rachel can't cope with both Buck and the children. Teaspoon and Jeremiah are already worn down to their bones by the stable duties. I've sent a telegram to Theresa but you know it'll take time before she arrives. I need you here Lou, please."

She turned to look into the eyes of her husband. He looked at her with the same plea she'd heard in his voice. She nodded in consent. He was right, she was needed here but she wished she could join him in his search. "Kid you're needed here too," she told him softly.

"Honey, I'm dispensable, you're not. I'm not the one that can make sure he survives, you are." A smile tugged at his lips remembering the confidence Lou had showed in taking care of Buck as he was brought to them. Lou had known exactly what to do, making Kid wonder at her capabilities. Making him feel a complete fool and Lou telling him he was, just for good measure.

"I've learned at lot from Tessa," she smiled at him nudging his side, "and then you have given me a lot of experience. I can't believe how you men always get yourselves into trouble and us women have to patch you up."

"Oh yeah, I've patched you up a couple of times too, Louise McCloud, but the lady just seems to choose to forget it," Kid leaned in on her and kissed her cheek as Rachel walked into the room.

Lou turned to her friend. "Kid's going," she stated with a slight tremor in her voice.

Rachel just nodded. "I guessed so. You two go get the horse saddled. I've prepared some food for you to take with you." She tapped the man's shoulder as she walked past him. "I'll stay with Buck while you two say good-bye!"

Lou silently helped Kid get ready for the ride. She hated the fact that he was riding out and that they had no idea what to expect. She just didn't like it.

Kid was holding Noah in his arms and telling the boy to be good since he was going away. Noah hugged his father and told him he wanted to go with him. Lou enfolded them both in her arms. Kid encircled her into his arms and they stood there until Noah started to wriggle out of their hold. Kid smiled at the boy and put him down on his feet. In the blink of an eye, Noah had forgotten about his father going away. He had spotted Hope and the cat playing outside. Kid smiled at the boy's hurry. Then he turned to Lou and took her into his strong arms.

Lou closed her eyes and snuggled close to him. Their lips met and Lou fought the threatening tears. Kissing him deeply she hoped it wasn't the last kiss they'd ever share.

They walked slowly out to the stables. They hadn't been separated like this for years, the knowledge that one of them was riding out into danger made them both quiet and pensive. But when Kid went for Katy, Lou stopped him.

"Don't take Katy Kid, take another horse."

Kid turned to watch her with raised eyebrows. Lou knew he didn't understand her request. "Kid, it's just that I think you'll be home sooner if you leave you favorite girl here." Lou smiled in his direction but her voice revealed her worries.

"Lou, there's another girl around here to see to that I get home as soon as possible. Don't tell me you didn't know that?"

"You mean Hope?" Lou asked innocently, longing to hear the words.

Kid dropped the saddle to the floor and took her into his arms. He held her so close her nose was pressed into his coat, making it hard for her to breathe. "No silly, I was thinkin' about the mare we bought a week ago."

Lou giggled into his coat and buried her head deeper into it, holding on just as tight as he did.

"Lou, I love you, you outta know that by now," he whispered into her hair.

"Just wanted to hear you say it," she mumbled.

Kid freed himself from her embrace to hold her at an arm's length, looking at her. Entwining his fingers in her hair he kissed her deeply. "I love you Lou, always have and always will. As long as I breathe."

"Me too Kid," Lou sighed and hugged him. "We better get you going!"

"You chosen the horse yet?" Kid asked her with a grin.

Lou threw him a wicked glare and stalked up to the oldest horse in the stable, "You take this boy and I'll keep Katy!"

"Don't push your luck Lou, it'll take a week for him just to get out of the yard!" Kid laughed at her.

He and Lou had laughed their heads off when Dawn had bought the horse out of pity. The gelding was probably close to thirty years old, and looked it, but Dawn loved the old gentle horse and it was now walking around their yard on stiff legs. It had become something of a watchdog. Lou swore it looked out for their children. Yep, Charlie was part of the family.

"Then I'll know where you are, won't I?"

Kid sighed theatrically as he swung the saddle onto the nearest horse. "Teaspoon warned me about this, I should've known."

Lou's coy face peered at him over the saddle as she stepped up on the other side, helping him to get the saddle on. "And I'm warning you Kid, get yourselves home in one piece!"

"Or...?" Kid peered back at her.

"You know what you'll have for breakfast the rest of your life!"

Kid just ruffled her hair from his place on the horse.

Lou placed a hand on his thigh. "Ride safe!"

Kid placed his hand over hers, they looked at each other for a moment, both declaring their faith and love without any words being spoken. Then Kid kicked his horse into action.

 

Lou followed the pair until they were out of sight. Then she sighed and went back into the house, hating to see him ride out alone. She still had Buck to worry over. She wouldn't let her mind wander to Dawn and Ike or Emma and Blossom. If she did, she'd be out behind Kid in a heartbeat. Now she had to see to it Buck got better.


	3. Chapter 3

Buck woke in the middle of the night. His ears ringing oddly, he turned his head to the left to follow the sound and found Teaspoon snoring in the chair aside the bed. Buck sighed in relief, it wasn't his ears ringing, it was the old man having his own nightly concerto.

He tried to get to the glass of water on the table aside of him. His arm was bandaged so tight he couldn't move it. Trying to get up into a sitting position his head started to swirl violently. He groaned as much from the pain as from the frustration of the situation he found himself in.

Teaspoon woke with a startle. "Son?" the man spoke and leaned in over him. "Thank God you're awake."

To Buck's surprise a tear rolled down the man's cheek. "Hold on son, I'll get Lou or Rachel!"

Buck closed his eyes and sank back into the bed. His whole body was a pulsating stream of pain. He moved his lips to try and talk, he knew he had to tell them about what had happened. But his tongue felt like a piece of wood and absolutely nothing came out when he tried to call Teaspoon back into the room. He noticed the door open and both Lou and Rachel bursting in. With one look Rachel understood what he needed and cradled his head into her arm and helped him drink.

Lou sat down on his other side and took his hand. "You'll be fine Buck," she told him softly. Teaspoon sat down on the chair and they all looked at him with concern. Buck wondered how long he had been out? Slowly he drank the water that Rachel fed him. With every sip his tongue got softer.

"You in terrible pain Buck?" Lou asked him.

Buck directed his glance in her direction. _Depended how you defined terrible,_ he thought, _he himself would call the pain mind shattering._

"I'm just scared to give you any more Laudanum. You have had an awful lot in these four days. Doc sad it might get you worse if I give you too much."

Four days? Buck squirmed at Lou's statement. He had been here for four days! Those men might have killed them all in this time. "Dawn," he moaned as soon as his tongue permitted.

"Kid's gone to bring them home Buck, don't worry," Lou assured him.

"No!" he grunted trying to get out of the bed. The pain that shot through his body made him grip the blanket and sink back. His head spinning violently. He noticed Lou and Rachel lean in over him, holding him down.

"You can't move Buck, you're too hurt," Rachel told him in a soothing voice. "Just stay down, everything will be alright. Just rest."

The darkness was threatening him again. It lurked in the corner of his eyes. "Flu and zinc," he moaned as the room started spinning in a nauseating manner. He tried to focus his eyes on the ceiling but the darkness covered it. Blinking his eyes, he momentarily saw parts of the room swirling around him. He wanted to tell them, he needed to tell them but the darkness would not let him.

 

Rachel and Lou stared at him as his muscles relaxed and he stopped struggling against their hold. Rachel immediately went for his pulse. She nodded as she felt it under her fingertips.

Lou's scared eyes bore into hers. "What was he sayin' Rachel?"

"He's just delirious, Lou. I don't think he even knows where he's at, let alone what he's talking about." Rachel comforted her.

"I sure hope so," Teaspoon's low voice rang out. They turned to look at him. The Marshal let his eyes drift out to the darkness outside. _I sure hope he was delirious,_ he thought, afraid to meet with the women's eyes.

 

 

Kid crouched to examine the tracks closer. Too much time had passed for him to pick up anything around Sweetwater so he just headed out in the general direction of the reservation. Then he stumbled upon the tracks of a heavy wagon. He wondered what is was carrying since the tracks were so deep. And why had there been a hole dug out in the middle of nowhere? Like they had buried something?

He let his eyes wander over the plain, he'd get close to the reservation by nightfall. Something told him he should stay out of sight as much as possible. His thoughts went back to those at home, they counted on him to bring the rest of the family back home safe. Worst thing was that he had no idea what to expect. Had Buck really been shot and beaten to a bloody pulp because he was a half-breed at the wrong place? And what place exactly was that? Surely anybody around Sweetwater knew Buck. He dared not think about what had happened to his daughter, Dawn and her children. Was he out on a chase which result would be a total disintegration of the family he knew? What if they were all gone?

He mounted his horse and kicked it into action, he had to keep moving forward and not fall into the dark thoughts that assaulted him from time to time.

"Oh God Lou, help me find them!" he spoke out loud into the wind that made tears well into his eyes as he rode.

 

Lou and Rachel remain seated at Buck's side, it was close to dawn and neither of them felt like sleeping. Buck's tossing and turning made them both remain in a restless vigil at his side, helping him any which way they could. Both were wondering at the words Buck had spoken.

Lou took the damp cloth and wiped his sweaty brow. "Did he say flu, Rachel?" she asked. "Is there an epidemic around?"

"I don't know, Lou. I heard there was a bad sort out east but I ain't heard of any cases out here. And I'm not even sure that's what he said."

"I just don't understand Rachel. What's going on? Why beat up Buck? Where's my daughter?" Lou sobbed and let the damp cloth fall into her lap.

Rachel put and arm around her shoulders. Lou had said the words expressing the fact that both her and Kid had been avoiding. Emma was out there too.

"What if some lunatic thought she'd been taken away from her family by Dawn and Buck and decided to retaliate?" Lou turned to Rachel, whispering her fear. "What if they killed them all and took Emma away? That would make it our fault!"

"Lou, honey, you're lettin' your fantasies take over. Buck will come out of this soon enough and we'll know what happened. And it might just be that Kid brings them home before that. Maybe nothing happened at all?" Rachel knew she was lying through her teeth, but she needed to pretend that actually might be the case.

Lou leaned her head on Rachel's shoulder. "You tell fairy tales so well, Rachel. I almost believe you. But we both know that is highly unlikely."

"Get some rest Lou, I'll watch over him for a while."

Lou turned her face to Rachel's; "Oh Rachel, you know as well as I do that no-one of us will rest until we know. I wish Buck could tell us! Whatever happened, I need to know."

Rachel turned to watch the tossing Buck. She knew Lou was right, they wouldn't get any peace until Buck woke up and told them what had happened. But it might be things would just turn to the worse. "He'll tell us Lou, soon."

 

Kid slid off his horse when he arrived close enough to see the fires in the reservation. He approached cautiously, not knowing what he was about to meet. He avoided the Indian Agents camp outside the village. Wondering why they seemed to be stationed here permanently? Might have been trouble on the reservation, he thought to himself as he stepped up closer.

He stopped on a ridge overlooking the main fire in the small village. It was late but still he wondered why there were so few people around? He perked his ears as he heard a woman wailing in despair. His eyes flew to the direction of the desperate cry and he noticed three men in uniform make their way to the teepee. They didn't stay long inside and soon a Brave joined them. A small package was carried out by the Brave who lifted the bundled to the sky and cried out his despair. Kid froze to his place as he understood it was a child that had just died.

The men in uniform walked away leaving the grieving parents behind. Kid crawled toward the men, careful not to be spotted. As he crawled further, he came upon a man with a rifle over his knees. And a bottle in his hand. The man was obviously on watch and dead drunk. The man saw him and smiled a silly smile as he tried to point the rifle toward the Kid, failing miserably. Kid decided to play along. "Don't go pointing that thing on me, I'm a friend!"

"So you're one of the men that Daniel hired in Blue Creek?" The man's talk was so affected by his intoxication that Kid had to guess that's what he said.

"Uh huh," Kid confirmed.

"They're all dying!" the man slurred. "If I were you I'd ride out the same way I came." The voice was clearer now. Or maybe it was just that the words he spoke were so terrifying there was no way not to understand them. "If I'd have known..I'd never...I can't understand why...." The man was sinking back into his deep intoxication. The words became more slurred and difficult to extinguish.

"Daniel sent me out to find the little white girl, you now in which teepee she is?" Kid tried desperately. Hoping they had noticed Emma. If she was here? Kid wasn't exactly sure he wanted them to still be here.

The man made a wide circle over the village with his hand and slurred something.

"Huh?" Kid asked and shook the man's shoulder.

"The small one close to the main fire," the man informed him and laid his head back against the tree. "I need to get some sleep."

"Yeah, get some sleep," Kid spoke disgusted. Why where they guarding the village with guns? Something was terribly wrong, he felt it even more now than before. He could not tell who he should watch out more for, the Indian Agent's men or the Kiowas? He had to get to that teepee and he had to get there without being noticed. And then he had to get them all out of here! But he just couldn't walk in right now, he had to wait till most of them were asleep. Eyeing for a secure spot to hide, he wondered if he was too late already? He hadn't seen any of his family. Wouldn't Dawn be with the women preparing something in the kettle by the fire? Had she left already?

He sat there for what seemed like hours. The village slowly calmed down for the night. When the only warrior watching the fire stepped into the darkness, Kid rose and carefully made his way to the indicated teepee.

 _Okay Lou, walk with me_ , he thought as he started for the teepee. As he turned around the last corner before his goal, his heart jumped a beat as the warrior came back to watch the fire. The warrior watched him with fleeting interest. Like it was fully normal for white men to sneak around the village. He knew he must be looking suspicious the way he walked all crooked. Kid stared at the man for a moment. Wondering at the lack of reaction from the man. As the warrior tiredly turned his back to him, he rose and walked to the teepee.

He whispered Dawn's name as he slid in, hoping he would not be encountered by a something hard landing on his head.

"Kid?" Dawn scared voice reached him from the dark corner of the teepee. "Oh Kid, it's Emma! She's so sick!"


	4. Chapter 4

Kid sank down by his daughter's side, taking her into his lap. Emma was trembling with fever. "What happened Dawn?" he lashed out angrily.

Dawn took the anger calmly. She knew it wasn't directed at her. It was just Kid's fear landing on her. "The men brought the flu around here, the young ones are dying fast. Three babies have died today. I swear the Indian Agent is doing it on purpose. He brought sick men here and had the women tend to them. This disease is spreading fast!"

Kid cradled his daughter into his lap and took the bag of hide containing water from Dawn. He rested Emma's head against his chest and helped her drink. When Lou had been sick with the flu a couple of years ago Doc had said she needed rest and water, there was nothing else anybody could do. He had almost lost her then and to go through the same ordeal with Emma was too much to bear. _Oh Lou, do I need you now,_ he thought as he watched his daughter's face. Caressing the burning face with his hand, he prayed she'd open her eyes. His heart was beating so fast it threatened to jump out of his chest.

"Emma honey, wake up!" he whispered into his daughter's hair. He soaked the cloth with water and laid it on her brow. Emma's eyes flickered open. "It's Dad mumpkin, you'll be fine. Just hang on." But Emma's eyes closed again and she shivered of cold even though she was burning up. Kid slid out of his coat to wrap it around her tiny shivering body.

Kid had forgot all about Dawn and flinched as she reached out to touch his arm. "Kid, what are you doing here, why didn't Buck come?"

Kid turned his head to watch her. The expression on her face told Kid she had no idea her husband was fighting for his life at home. And he didn't know how to tell her.

 _Buck was climbing up a stony wall. Every muscle screaming in protest but he knew once he arrived at the top Dawn and his children would be safe. But the top never came any closer, he kept climbing and climbing. And the steep stone wall rose higher and higher before him. He screamed her name in despair. All he could see was her long hair blowing on the top of the mountain. He saw nothing but the hair dancing before his eyes, it was so close he reached to touch it. As he did he lost his grip and found himself falling freely. Dimly he heard her call his name. But he fell into the darkness again._

"Buck?" Lou leaned over the trashing Buck, trying to hold him steady to not reopen his wounds. "Buck, you're having a bad dream, you're safe! Buck, please."

Rachel came in from the kitchen. "No change?" she inquired. Buck had been screaming in his sleep for the past two days. He hadn't been fully awake yet. It was taking its toll on Lou. She had red eyes from fatigue and all the tears shed.

"He's not gettin' any better, Rachel. He keeps having these nightmares and I don't know how to help him." Lou sobbed as she sank down on the bed still holding Buck's shoulders down.

"Lou, you have to eat something and take a nap. Hope and Noah are sleeping on your bed, go join them for God's sake before you end up in a bed too." Rachel was getting desperate. Lou had not left Buck's side during these past nights. Rachel could tell she was near a breakdown herself.

"Can't leave him like this, Rachel," Lou protested harshly.

"Lou, you have to! I've sent messages to everyone, I hope they'll be here as soon as they can. You need to rest, you can't go on like this!"

Teaspoon entered the room and placed an arm over Lou's shoulders. "Listen to her Lou, you'll get yourself sick!"

"But Teaspoon, it's been days since Kid left, he's not home either. What's happening around here? I can't lie down, if I do I see all these pictures before my eyes. Pictures that scares the hell outta me!"

Teaspoon's eyes met Rachel's. Rachel nodded at Teaspoon silent prayer.

"Lou," she stated hesitant on how her friend was going to take it. "Doc gave us something to give you that'll make you sleep." Taking Lou by her shoulders, she forced her out of the room. Seating her at the kitchen table, she fed her some stew. Watching Lou take not more than three mouthfuls, Rachel's sighed deeply. Rising to the cabinet she took the flacon out and shook it.   
"Lou, I don't need to hear anything from you right now. You'll take this and then you'll lie down to rest." She filled a teaspoon and extended it to Lou.

As Lou shook her head Rachel gave her a look that made Lou open her mouth and swallow the bitter medicine.   
"And now young lady, it's bedtime for you!" Rachel told her sternly and led her to their bedroom where Noah and Hope lay snoring on Kid's side of the bed.

Lou sank exhausted onto hers. It felt so wrong to sleep in this bed without Kid. Noah moved in his sleep and pushed her to the edge of the bed. Lou took her son into her arms and buried her nose in his hair. "Oh Noah," she whispered. "Where's your Pa, your sister and everybody else?"

She didn't want to worry her kids, or anybody else. But the dread that was permanent in her by now had her feeling exhausted. Not knowing, unable to take action to rectify the situation was the absolute worst. She wasn't used to staying behind, she needed to be right where she could make a difference. Because this, being left behind to imagine the worst was driving her insane. Was this the end of their family?

 

Rachel wandered back into the room where Buck still fought his nightmares. Seating herself aside Teaspoon, she sighed deeply. "She's right you know, he ain't gettin' any better."

Teaspoon stared straight ahead for a minute, seemingly trying to decide what to do. "I know Rachel, but there's one thing I haven't tried yet."

"I'm afraid to ask what," Rachel stated wearily.

"There's this Indian medicine that's told to wake even the dead. It's strong but I think it's time we give Buck some."

"Dare one ask what it is?" Rachel glared suspiciously at Teaspoon.

"I have no idea," Teaspoon confessed. "But we have to try something. He won't make it if this tossing and turning continues. He will wear himself out."

Rachel remain seated as Teaspoon walked out in the kitchen to make the decoction he was hoping would bring Buck back to the living.

Rachel rose to take the cloth and wipe Buck's sweaty brow.

 

 

Dawn watched Kid while he sat cradling his daughter in his lap. He had been sitting there for two days, leaving her just to get her food or water. She could hear him mumble and pray all trough the nights. He wouldn't talk to her, he just kept talking to Emma, wiping her brow and praying for her to wake up. His struggles seemed to have worked; Emma's fever was down and she had eaten for the first time in days. But Kid was relentless, he never left her side. He didn't want Blossom near them either, afraid she'd get the sickness.

Dawn blinked the tears away. Her body was aching everywhere and her breath sounded raspy as she sank to her knees beside the fire. She shuddered, realizing it was her turn to feel the same despair he was feeling. Ike had come down with the fever too. His small body was so hot it scorched her fingers. After Kid had told her about Buck she had been feeling physically sick of worry. Her husband needed her and she was stranded here. The men did not let anybody out, telling them they could not go spreading the disease. Dawn knew that was not the reason they were imprisonated. There must be some ulterior motive and she had to find out what. Her mind had been constantly on Buck for the past few days. Praying to the spirits that he would make it, she had even reached to the white God with her prayers. But the white God seemed to care only about his own. Kid was fine and now even Emma. Although grateful, she couldn't help but feeling let down. Why was Buck beaten up and Ike getting sick while Kid did not show any signs of the illness and Emma was recovering?

Shaking her head at her own thoughts, she blamed them on the fever making her think crazy things. But she was angry at the Kid, why was he here instead of Buck? But at the same time, she knew she was going to need him badly, Ike needed help and she prayed Kid would make him better just like he had Emma.

"Kid," she started to get his attention.

"Huh?" Kid's eyes searched hers. "Oh God," he exclaimed as he left Emma sleeping soundly on her bedroll, covered in hides and his coat. "Dawn, I hate to tell you this but you look sick!"

Dawn shook her head, she could not get sick.

"Dawn?" Kid's hand cupped over her forehead. "Damn it, you're burning up! You have to lie down."

"Ike's got the fever," Dawn sobbed and sank into Kid's lap. "And he's so small."

Kid took her into his arms. Dawn cried quietly in his lap and Kid had no words to comfort her. Watching Emma sleeping calmly under the blankets, he felt guilty. He hadn't looked out for them, he had concentrated all his attention on his own daughter. Buck would never forgive him if something happened to his family. "Dawn, where is Blossom and Ike?"

"I left them with Softsong," she sobbed.

"I'll get them, we need to be together," Kid stated as he laid Dawn onto the bedroll. "I'll get them and ask Softsong to help me take care of you all. It'll be alright Dawn, we'll get you well enough to ride out of here as soon as possible. You just rest and let us take care of it all."

"I need Buck!" Dawn whimpered, "I need to know he's alright!"

"I know you do Dawn and I'm sure he's alright. Somebody would have come for us if he wasn't," Kid tried to comfort her. Her eyes glazed with fever, she was on the verge of delirium. Kid felt the hopelessness spread in him. Why were they all getting sick? Was there no way to stop this? He had never needed Lou as much as he did now. He knew she was the one that had helped him help Emma. The girl was going to be fine but it was certainly not because of him. Kid knew that Emma had gotten the strength to fight the disease from her mother. And he needed so badly to see Lou right now. And he too needed to know Buck was okay.

"Just don't let anybody die on me," Dawn huddled as Kid wrapped the hides around her.

She fell into a delirious sleep immediately. Kid remain staring at her, wishing with all his heart he'd be able to promise her what she had asked for. But he knew people were dying around them, and small children perished fast. He rose to gather the family together, they needed each others strength at a time like this.

As he stepped out into the crisp day, he noticed the sun shining faintly on this beautiful October day. He found it strange that the world seemed so beautiful at a time like this. Nature seemed to have no consideration for human hardships. Women cried around him, wails of desperation over another death occurred on a daily basis. Still the sun kept shining as nothing was wrong in this world.

He stepped into Softsong's teepee. One glance at the woman's face told him Ike was bad. Kid crouched down to take the child into his arms. He was burning with fever. Blossom was crying in Softsong's arms. He hated to hear the girl's desperate cry. It was not fair that both her brother and her mother had fallen sick. His and Softsong's eyes met and both knew the girl might find herself alone.

"Song?" Kid asked softly, "will you and Blossom help me take care of Ike and Dawn? I think we all need to be together."

The woman rose and gathered what she needed. Blossom still sat on the ground, crying heart breakingly, her small hands turned into fists that she pressed to her eyes.

Kid fell to his knees with Ike still in his arms. "Blossom, we'll do all we can. Emma's gettin' better, so there's hope for everyone."

Blossom turned to hide her face in his coat. Kid looked pleadingly in Softsong's direction. She nodded and took the baby from his arms, starting for their teepee.

"Blossom," Kid spoke quietly into the shivering girl's hair. Cupping his hand over her forehead he prayed that the illness hadn't struck her too. She was warm but he was not sure it was the fever or the desperation of seeing her family ill. Lifting her into his lap, he walked outside. Blossom needed some fresh air. He walked with her down to the creek. Without a word he washed her teary face. The girl's cry turned to breathless sobs. Mumbling comfortingly to her he lifted her back into his lap and held on. He wasn't aware of what he was saying, he just talked to assure her everything would work out fine. Blossom still sobbed between hiccups when he turned back to their teepee to get some food into the child.

Blossom gripped his collar hard and raised her face to look at him. "Kid, if everybody dies on me, will I become an orphan?"

Kid stared speechless at the daughter of his friend and companion. A girl he considered family.

"Will you let me live with you and Lou or will I be sent to an orphanage?"

The girl was serious, she really doubted he'd take care of her. Kid felt bad for letting her down like this, her doubt in him dug a wide hole in his heart. The girl needed as much help now as any of the sick, she was so full of fear. "Blossom, honey, how come you think things like this?" he asked her, cradling her closer. "You're not gonna be an orphan, whatever happens there will always be somebody of us around to take care of you. And I thought you already lived with me and Lou. Ain't you the little girl I keep finding asleep on Emma's bed?"

Blossom buried her face deeper into his coat and Kid wanted to cry too. He knew Blossom was the sensitive kind who suffered in silence.

"I miss Pa!"

"I know you do applepie, I know. We'll see him soon. But before we do you gotta eat something or your father will scold me for letting you shrink to nothing!"

"Ain't hungry!"

At her statement Kid's heart shrank into a hard knot. This was the first sign of the sickness. He lifted his eyes to the sky and cursed the whole world for letting this happen.


	5. Chapter 5

Buck woke with a start; he was alone in the room. He wondered what he was doing in Kid and Lou's den? Lifting his head the room started to spin strangely, moaning he sank back onto the pillow. His eyes wandered over the room and found it finally keeping still. Relieved he worked himself up to a sitting position. A dull ache in his whole body made his memory return.

His breath became fast and shallow as he remembered why he was here. Carefully he moved his legs over the edge of the bed, panting from the strain it took. His mouth was dry and he reached for the glass on the table. Surprised he noticed his hand trembling violently as he brought it to his lips.

The door opened and Rachel came in with her back to him, balancing a tray through the door. When she turned to look at the bed she almost dropped the tray.

"Buck!" she exhaled and ran to his side, half of the broth in the bowl landing on the tray as she ran. "You're feeling better?" she stated cautiously as she seated herself besides him.

Buck just nodded. He did not really, the physical pain had just been replaced with an acute need to find his family. He needed to see his daughter. "Hope?" he asked, hoping Rachel would understand to go get the girl.

"Hold on Buck!" She rose and walked to the door. "Miah!"

Buck heard Jeremiah answer her with a mouth full of food. "Something happened Rachel?"

"Buck's asking for Hope, would you go find her and Teaspoon?"

Buck heard the scrambling of the chair against the floor. Then Jeremiah's head emerged in the door frame. "Oh God, Buck!" the young man sighed as he saw Buck sitting on the bed. "Just a minute Buck, I'll get your daughter for you."

Buck smiled gratefully at the young lad that disappeared in a hurry.

Rachel turned back to him. "Can't tell how relieved I am, Buck. You really scared the living daylights out of us all!"

"I need to go look for them," he spoke in a raspy voice.

"Oh Buck, you can't go anywhere yet, you're too sick. And Kid's gone to find them, he'll bring them back," Rachel tried to soothe him.

"Rachel I have to!"

Rachel stared at the man that had been fighting for his life a day ago, now he was ready to fling himself onto a horse and probably kill himself in the process.

"I won't even discuss that with you, Buck! It's crazy, you can't even stand on your own legs yet."

Buck calmly stared back at her. He'd go, there was no discussing the matter. He just had to see Hope first. Rachel's eyes never left him and he knew he would have to fight her. "How long has Kid been gone?" he finally asked.

Rachel moved her gaze from him and directed it out to the yard where a running group approached the house. Teaspoon was left behind as Hope and Noah made their way to the door, Dog hot on their heels. "Your daughter's coming," she stated tonelessly and rose to meet the herd storming into the house.

"You didn't answer me," Buck insisted.

The door opened and the group flung itself into the house. Buck eyes softened at the sight of Hope. "Come here daddy's little angel." he whispered and stretched his arms to take her into his lap.

Hope climbed carefully onto the bed and he hugged her close, his ribcage protesting with a sharp sting of pain he decided to ignore. Dog rested his head on Buck's knee.

 

 

Lou woke with a headache that made her grit her teeth. She heard somebody move in the kitchen downstairs. For a moment she felt disorientated, not understanding what she was doing in bed. She turned her head to the window, it was early morning she deducted. The light outside promised a cloudy day, maybe thunder. That would explain her headache, she thought and closed her eyes again, she'd just rest a couple of minutes longer.

 _She found herself riding a strange huge horse. The animal was big but still fast, black as a starless night. She knew the horse ran out of control but she wasn't scared, she was going somewhere and the horse seemed to know where. They were moving fast alongside a shoreline, the water splashing as they stormed through it, sounding like heavy rain falling. Suddenly she noticed the sky ahead getting darker and a fear, unlike any she'd ever experienced before, hit her._

 _She saw Kid sitting on a board in the middle of the stormy water; the shoreline had disappeared and she was riding on the surface of the water. Somehow she knew they'd plunge through if she slowed down. He was sitting on a floating board that seemed to slide downstream, away from her. She urged the animal to run faster towards the board and Kid. She called out his name but he didn't hear her, the roar of the water must have drenched every other sound. From her elevated position, she could see the board heading directly toward water that was pitch dark and pulled everything around it into the abyss. Lou instinctively knew that Kid would be gone if he didn't get off that board. She rose in the stirrups and urged the horse closer to the board, she was sweating from the fear that stiffened her body. Kid didn't react, even if he must have heard her approach by now._

 _Her throat was so dry she didn't get a word out. Kid turned to her and extended his hand. He looked terrified. She missed his hand, only their fingertips touched as she stormed by him. She fought to turn the animal around but had no chance against its raw strength. Turning to look back she saw the stream engulf the board with a mighty roar like thunder. She screamed in anguish, seeing Kid disappear into the darkness._

The thunder outside and her own scream woke her. She rose to a sitting position. The blankets hindering her from getting up. She was shivering from the dream and the image of Kid's eyes as he went under haunted her. It was like they'd been etched into her mind. She fought to get her breath under control. It was only a dream she continued to tell herself, only a dream.

How many times had she not told her children the exact same words, it was only a dream? But she didn't believe the words this time.

 

Kid woke from his slumber ot the sound of thunder. He cursed himself for having dozed off and moved to check on the sick. Dawn was tossing and turning, her lips cracking from the fever. He took the water and made her drink. She opened her eyes enough to exhibit the red whites of her orbs. Kid's heart ached, she was so sick. Her lips moved and Kid had to lean in to hear what she was saying.

"Ike?"

She was asking about her son. Kid couldn't tell her he was just as bad as she was. He pretended not to hear her. He took the ointment Softsong had left and rubbed it onto her back, to make her breath easier. Dawn fought him as he lowered her dress.

"Dawn," he sighed. "Softsong ain't here right now and you need this. Stop fighting me you fool!"

"Ike," she repeated with a cough.

"I'll take care of him," he promised and tucked the blankets around her.

She fell back into the delirious sleep. He moved to the tiny boy in the crib his mother's brother had made for him. Walks-softly had been sitting beside the boy for most of last evening but he was just recuperating from the illness and had little strength. Kid had to force him to get some rest. He was alone with most of the ones he knew sick and weak, he felt he didn't have time to tend to the all and it scared him. He needed Lou so badly.

Ike was shivering from the cold he was feeling even though he was burning hot to the touch. Kid repeated the same cure. Taking the boy into his arms he made him drink and rubbed his back and chest with the ointment. Ike seemed to breathe easier so Kid laid him back into the crib and turned to Emma and Blossom. Emma was going to be fine, her fever was gone and all that remain of the disease was a nasty cough and tiredness. Blossom had a fever too, but it wasn't that high. Her coughing was worse though. Every time the little girl coughed it caused her to fight for air and Kid to fight the tears. He had held her in his arms during the coughing fits as she fought for air and Emma's eyes brimmed with tears of fear for her friend. Kid was afraid that one of her coughing fits would leave her suffocated in his arms.

Trying to keep an encouraging attitude was wearing him down. There was no way of telling how this would end. He stroke Emma's chin and smiled encouragingly at her.

"Pa, they'll make it won't they?" the little girl asked with a voice thick with emotion.

Kid dared not look into her eyes as he nodded, afraid to tell his daughter a bold faced lie. He did not know. Another coughing fit of Blossom's saved him from telling Emma a lie. He scooped Blossom to his shoulder and rose to his feet. "Emma, stay here, I'm taking Blossom to get some fresh air!"

"But Pa..." Emma protested and rose to her knees, ready to follow them out.

"Check on Dawn and Ike for me, please Emma."

The girl nodded but her eyes never left them as Kid stepped out into the fresh morning air. It was drizzling and Kid swathed the coughing girl tighter into the blanket. Every cough rattled the little girl's body violently. Kid tried to hold her to her side with the head slightly downward, a position he had learned made her breathe more easily.

She coughed until she was limp in his hold. He sank to the ground, hugging the girl, relieved to hear her breathe. She mumbled something and fell into an exhausted sleep. Stroking her hair he leaned over her to shield her from the rain. The fresh air seemed to do her good. Her lips were not the blue they used to be after a fit. But her breathing was still labored and he wondered how long she'd be able to fight for air.

He lifted his hand to wipe the tear that rolled down his face.

A soft voice beside him made him look up. Softsong was standing right besides him.

"Ma-ye-tin," she said softly.

"Huh?"

"The heart of a woman," Softsong smiled at him.

Kid still did not understand. He squinted his eyes in her direction.

She sank down opposite him. "You have the heart of a woman," she told him. "I'll call you Ma-ye-tin from now on."

"I wish I did," Kid sighed and looked down at Blossom in his lap. Lou would have known exactly what to do, she wouldn't be at a total loss like he was. Lou could make anything better. "I wish I had Lou's heart," he told the woman sitting in front of him.

"Who's Lou?" she wanted to know.

Kid found himself telling the woman about the wife he was longing so desperately for--telling Softsong all about the woman that constituted the meaning of his life, feeling like a fool when he couldn't stop his ramblings about the one secure thing in his life, his love for Lou and the children she had given him. The life she had given him.

 

 

Daniel Burgh sat comfortably far away from the reservation. He was careful not to come in contact with the Indians, but that didn't mean he didn't keep track of them. He stared at the paper in front of him, a paper filled with circles. "Dawson!" he hollered with his head tilted backwards.

A face emerged in the opening of the grey army tent. "Yessir?"

"How many today?"

"A child and an elderly man," the boy told him.

"Argh!" Burgh let out a growl at the disappointing news. They were not dying at the pace he had wished for. His men were dying just as fast. "Dawson, get O'Rourke to ride to Blue Creek and get more men. Take a hundred dollars and give them ten a head up front. That outta make anyone take the job."

"Yessir!" the boy nodded and moved to get out of the tent. He was scared stiff of what was happening around him. Most of his friends had died in this illness that Burgh had brought upon them. Dawson tried to stay away from everybody as best he could, waiting for the opportunity to ride out of this hellish place filled with death.

"Wait a minute boy," the man hollered angrily from inside the tent.

Dawson stopped in his stride. Turning to insert his head back into the tent, he witnessed Burgh draw two ulterior crosses over the circles on the paper.

"Before he goes have him help you place one of the barrels in the creek where the Indians take their water!"

"Will do sir!"

Daniel Burgh smiled contently to himself. If the flu didn't do the trick, the zincsalts surely would--slowly but surely. He just had to tell his men to take their water from the spot the Indians held sacred and let the salts dissolve downstream. Being a doctor had never felt this good! He'd outsmart every damned redskin. No life would be spared.


	6. Chapter 6

Still shaking from her nightmare, Lou scrambled down the stairs. But her mind was set, she was riding out to find them. Too much time had passed already. She just had to wait for this storm to ease off before she headed out.

Rachel was sitting by the window with a sleeping Noah cradled in her arms. Walking soundlessly up to them, she noticed Rachel was sleeping too. She stood there for a while, silently watching her son sound asleep, her arms aching to hold him. He must have sensed he was watched because he shifted uneasily in Rachel's lap and she too shifted in her sleep to cradle Noah closer.

Lou smiled at the pair and walked into the den. Opening the door her eyes widened at the sight of Hope sleeping in Buck's arms. It must mean Buck was feeling better. Rachel had denied the children access to the room as long as Buck had been tossing and turning somewhere between life and death.

Her eyes fell on the sleeping Teaspoon. Lying on the couch, he snored lightly. The scene might have suggested a peaceful morning of a normal day.

Lou wished with all her heart that if she blinked hard, everything that had passed would turn out to be a bad dream. She sank onto the chair beside Buck's bed and extended an arm to feel his brow.

Buck's eyes flickered immediately open at her touch. "Lou?" he whispered afraid to wake Hope curled into his arms.

"Oh Buck!" Her voice broke when she looked into the now clear brown eyes. "You're feeling better!" Gripping his hand tightly, she forced back the sobs.

"Teaspoon gave me some kind of medicine."

"Good ol' Teaspoon," Lou smiled at the man sleeping loudly on the couch. Turning back to Buck, she squeezed his hand tightly. "I'm going out to look for them Buck, I can't take it any longer. It's been over a week already."

"Nine days," Buck muttered and his eyes bore into hers, expressing sheer desperation. Lou smiled at him, he must have lost all sense of time. "No Buck, you've been so sick you lost count of time."

"Lou, you've been sleeping for two days!" Lou just stared at him. He met her eyes and noticed the tears brimming in them. "I'm sorry Lou."

Lou let go off his hand and rose to hide her tears. She walked to the window and stared out into the pouring rain. Her shoulders started to shiver. She didn't hear Buck rise from his bed and walk up to her. When he laid an arm over her shoulders she turned to scold him. "You shouldn't...be...up...yet" she got out between the sobs.

"Shh Lou," he whispered and cradled her in his arms.

She leaned her head on his good shoulder and cried. Buck just held her and directed his eyes out the window. "I'm goin' out to find them as soon as this damned rain eases off," Lou grunted to his shoulder.

"I'm comin' with you," Buck told her.

Lou shook her head. "You ain't goin' anywhere for weeks you fool!"

"I'm goin' with you Lou, I've just been waiting for you to wake up."

Lou lifted her face to look at him. She saw a pale man that had troubles standing on his own feet. But she also noticed the pain emanating from his eyes, a pain she recognized. That pain had nothing to do with the beating he had suffered, it was due to his soul crying for the lost family members. "You're crazy!" she spat out.

Buck smiled remembering a somewhat similar discussion he had once, long ago, with Lou's husband to be. He felt obliged to answer her quoting the Kid; "Possibly."

 

 

Dawn had lost count of the days. She drifted on a sea of pain. She had no notion about where she was or what she was doing here? She kept having visions of Buck on a bed with the rest of the family grieving him. She did not know if it was a dream or reality. She felt being lifted into somebody's lap and water was running down her sore throat. She moaned as the water burned a trail down to her stomach. Her eyelids were so heavy she couldn't lift them. A shudder overcame her and the hands holding her steadied her.

"Dawn, you have to drink" a voice told her.

The voice sounded familiar but she couldn't place it. She knew it wasn't Buck talking.

"Just keep swallowing," the voice continued softly.

She did what it told her to do. Letting out a moan of pain, her throat feeling like fire.

"I know it hurts but just hold on, you're getting better, day by day!"

Getting better? Dawn's fever-stricken mind raced. What was this man talking about? Who was this man causing her such pain? She opened her eyes to meet with Kid's concerned gaze. She blinked and concentrated on making herself sure it was really him. He looks downright ragged, was her first thought as she finally recognized him. His beard had fooled her at first. Then she remembered Blossom and Ike. She stiffened in fear. Struggling to rise to her feet to get to her children, her muscles answered by sending a wave of pain through her that made her fall back into a heap in Kid's arms. "My children," she sobbed and passed out.

 

Kid watched her sink back into his lap. Carefully he laid her to her side and covered her with the hides and blankets while she shivered of cold. He had lied to her, she was not getting better at all. And Ike was definitely getting worse. Blossom was still coughing her lungs out. Only Emma and he were fully coherent at this time. Emma refused to leave her friend's side.

Kid sighed as he rose to his feet. They were out of water again. He took the wooden sink into his hand and extended the other to Emma. "Let's get some water," he said.

Emma rose and took a basket into her hand. "You take Blossom," she said.

Kid smiled at her. They had made fetching water into a ritual. Emma would tag along while he carried Blossom to the creek and laid her down on the bank. Blossom seemed to breathe easier for each day that passed and out in the fresh air, she coughed much less. They used to walk up the creek to a place where the water ran happily over the stones, the sound of the water so comforting. Like at home where the creek ran over the stones in a similar fashion.

The Indians took their water further down the stream but he found the walks up the creek soothing. This morning they walked in silence, having to stop only once for a coughing fit. Blossom was regaining her strength on Kid's shoulder for a while before they continued their walk.

Laying Blossom down on the sandy bank, he went to fill the sink with water. Emma waited by her friends side, tucking the blanket closer around her. Like every morning, she extended him the towel and the soap as he returned with the filled sink. Washing Blossom by the creek, they both rejoiced in her struggles against the somewhat awkward routine.

"Watch my hair Kid, you're gettin' soap all over me," the girl hissed at him as he tried to clean her thoroughly. "Give that towel to me!" Blossom jerked the towel from his hand and bent down to get rid of the soap that he had managed to make foam in her fringe. "You ain't too good at this, Kid, ya know?"

Emma giggled at her friend's angry voice. Yep, Blossom was getting better. Kid smiled under his beard as he turned to Emma. "Milady, I thinketh it's your turneth!"

"Pa!" Emma rolled her eyes at his childish behavior.

"Come on girl, you know the drill."

Emma lifted her eyebrows exactly like Lou did when she was about to disagree. Emma's face sent a beam of longing for Lou through Kid's heart. Then the girl searched the neatly packed basket and handed him something wrapped in a towel. Confused he opened the bundle and stared at the razor. Bewildered he looked up at his daughter.

"Softsong told me to tell you you look dreadful," the girl giggled. She leaned in over the basket again and picked up a small mirror. "I thinketh it's your...."

"Turneth," Kid filled in. "You women are so picky," he growled, feigning hurt male pride.

"You have to look your bestest when Ma comes to get us," Emma informed him.

Kid found himself smiling at her words.

 

 

Lou stood at the kitchen table, clutching Noah into her arms. Saying good-bye to her son was so hard. Noah didn't even realize how dreadfully wrong things were. He asked repeatedly for Pa, but seemed to believe Lou's assurances that he was coming home real soon. But he cried for his father in the evenings.

Kid used to read them stories before they went to sleep. Lou's eyes welled with tears at the thought. Where was he? Kissing her son's brow, she steeled herself not to cry in front of him. He did not need to feel her worries. "Noah, Ma's has to go away a couple of days. Auntie Rachel's gonna take care of you and Hope. Tessa's coming too."

Noah lifted the blue eyes that were exact replicas of Kid's and rested them on her own."Get Pa?"

Lou couldn't stand to look into her son's eyes any longer so she clutched him closer and pulled his head to rest on her shoulder. "Yes sweetheart, I'm gonna get Pa!"

"Emma, Dawn and Blossom too?" the boy asked.

Lou turned to face Buck. "Yes Noah, we're gonna bring them all back."

Buck's eyes watered. He did not believe they were coming back, he wondered how Lou could be so sure? After what he had told them, everybody understood that the new Indian Agent was about to kill the whole tribe. Buck was scared nobody of them was alive, but he also knew he had to find out.

Hope held his hand clutched tightly in her own. Her thumb in her mouth, she turned her head to look at her father. "Pa?" she wondered at the tears.

"Yes pumpkin, we'll bring them back," he told her with a raspy voice. Hope's eyes bore into his and he wondered if she was the only member left of his family. "I love you angel," he cried and lifted her into his lap.

 

The ground was slippery under their feet as they walked out to the barn. Teaspoon and Jeremiah stood by the buckboard and the saddled horse. Buck had finally given in to at least ride in the buckboard. It had taken Lou's threat to shoot him in the foot to accomplish that much. Buck was sure she would have done it too. Still he muttered when he laid eyes on the buckboard. It would slow them down something awful.

"Not a word," Lou growled at his side. "I mean it," she continued at his glare.

"It'll slow us down," he tried one more time.

"An' you ain't comin' with me at all if you don't shut up already!"

Buck turned his eyes in Teaspoon's direction to get some support.

Teaspoon shook his head. "She's right, son, you shouldn't even be out of bed."

"I'm fine," Buck growled back at the man.

"Let me go instead," Teaspoon pleaded. "You stay here and help Miah take care of the horses."

Buck threw him a tired eye. "We've been over this time after time, it's my family!"

"Son, it's my family too," the older man told him.

Their eyes met and Buck knew Teaspoon was going through the same pain he was going through. "I know," Buck told him and patted his shoulder, "I hope Tessa will be here soon and maybe even Jimmy. You can ride out with them but somebody has to stay here."

Teaspoon awkwardly pulled him into a hug. "I know Buck, just be careful and keep takin' that medicine."

Buck nodded and turned to watch Lou hugging her brother, telling him to behave. Miah nodded as she let go of him to turn to Teaspoon. "We'll be back soon, Teaspoon," Lou comforted the man. He laid and arm over the tiny woman's shoulders. Unable to speak, he hugged her and Lou placed a kiss on his unshaven chin.   
"Look after those grandchildren of yours will ya, old man?" Teaspoon ruffled her hair, still unable to speak. He had to have some dignity and avoid crying in front of them all, didn't he? Teaspoon and Jeremiah stood silently watching the pair ready themselves to ride out.

As they turned off the yard, Teaspoon hollered the familiar words to them; "Ride safe!"


	7. Chapter 7

Lou and Buck rode over the plains in silence. The rain and the time had made all traces disappear, but Lou still found herself looking to the ground, hoping to see some sign of the Kid. All she saw was the slippery dirt underneath her. Glancing at Buck, she wondered how he was holding up? He had clear trouble using his arm, she could tell that much. It was getting dark and they were just halfway to the reservation.

"Buck, it's enough for today. We'll be there tomorrow, let's make camp."

"There's an hour left of daylight!"

"Yes and I'm gonna need that to find some wood for the fire." She decisively rode her horse in front of the buckboard, forcing Buck to stop.

"Lou," he grunted, "the sooner we get there the sooner we know what has happened."

"If we continue any further you will drop down off that buckboard."

They both sat there, glaring at each other until Buck gave in. Lou was probably right, he felt like hell but admitting to it was out of the question. Annoyed he pointed to some trees. "Let's camp right there, there's enough grass for the horses."

Lou wordlessly turned and rode toward the trees. Sliding down from her horse, she was suddenly overtaken by doubts. She stood silently at the mare's side and held on to the saddle. At that moment all seemed hopeless, she could not tell where the feeling came from but it assaulted her like a ton of bricks. She stood there paralyzed for a moment.

Buck's voice made her return to reality. "Lou, what's up?"

She swallowed and tried to straighten her face. The same feeling the nightmare had brought now assaulted her during broad daylight! "Nothin' Buck," she exclaimed harshly to cover the fear that was raging inside her.

Buck slid down from the buckboard to stand by her side. Lou could still not move, she felt like she was pinned to the ground.

"Lou, what's goin' on?" With sheer willpower she forced herself out of the petrifying fear. With shivering lips she smiled at him. "We better sleep on the buckboard tonight. The ground's too wet."

She reached to take the saddle off the mare. Still trembling, she carried it to lay it on the buckboard. She felt Buck's stare on her back and knew he was wondering about her mood. She knew he had already lost hope, she could tell that by the expression on his face. They could not both lose hope. Somebody had to believe they still were alive. So she decided she would not give up, never, not as long as she breathed.

 

Kid sat watching Ike fight for his breath. They had all been watching over both Dawn and Ike all evening, fearing they both had reached the critical point. Softsong was chanting silently while she wiped the sweat off Dawn's brow. Dawn kept rambling in her semi-unconscious state hollering for Buck and crying. Ike was having cramps from the fever and Kid took the child into his arms. He tried talking soothingly to him but the child shivered and convulsed in his arms. Taking the cloth he tried to cool him down with the cold water but nothing seemed to help the child any longer. Kid had never felt so helpless in his life before, shivers of fear ran down his spine.

"Ike, you have to hang on, you have to get better!" Kid whispered to the child as another terrifying convulsion wracked the weakened body. "We all love you and we need you to grow up to be a strong man. We need you around."

But Ike was wracked by another cramp and Kid prayed that his suffering would end, one way or another. Finally the child was still in his arms. Kid continued to talk to him and wipe him with the cooling water. Time seemed to stand still as the child convulsed again and Kid knew he would die. He clutched him close and rocked him, talking nonsense words to him. Then the child was still in his arms. Terrified, Kid realized he wasn't breathing anymore. He felt his guts wrench in guilt and fear. Had his prayer caused this? Was Ike not breathing because of him?  
"Dawn!" he whispered hoarsely.

Softsong stopped her chanting and looked at him. By the expression on his face she knew something was wrong. "Ma-ye-tin?" she asked.

Kid put a hand over Ike's chest and searched desperately for heartbeats. There were none. His eyes met with Softsong's and she rose to take the child from his arms. Laying him beside Dawn she spoke to her in Kiowa. Kid noticed Dawn open her eyes and take Ike into her arms. She kissed him and tears welled in her eyes. Walks-softly came from his place by the girls. He laid a hand on Kid's shoulder saying something in Kiowa to him. Kid did not understand, neither the words nor what was happening. He kept staring at the scene of Dawn saying good-bye to Ike. She held him, clutched and stroked him, mumbling to him in her native tongue kissing his brow, but her strength was rapidly fading, she fell back into unconsciousness with her hand on Ike's chest. Softsong freed the child from his mother's hold and turned to watch Kid. "I'm so sorry Ma-ye-tin," she whispered.

Kid stepped up and took Ike from her arms. "I need to say good-bye," he spoke hoarsely and turned to walk out of the teepee. He watched the girls sleeping on the other side of the teepee. How was he going to tell them? He had let them all down by letting Ike die. Dawn and Buck would never forgive him for this failure. Asking God to end his suffering still made him cringe. Had he done it for Ike or for himself? Was asking Ike's suffering to end only to lessen his own?

"I'm so sorry Ike," he whispered to the still child in his arms, "I didn't mean it!"

Softsong signed to her husband to follow him out.

 _Ike was riding alone on a big black horse. He was galloping on a shore away from Buck and waving proudly with his hand. Buck was bewildered, he was too little to be riding like this.  
"Ike!" he hollered and started running to the horse, the water made the effort almost insurmountable and he was rapidly losing pace.   
"Please," he whispered to the pair._

 _The horse stopped for a moment and Ike turned to look at his father. He was smiling happily and waving those small hands. "Pa. I have to go, I'll see you afterwards!"_

 _"Wait for me Ike!" Buck yelled in despair._

 _"No Pa, you gotta stay and take care of Ma!" the boy stated calmly. "Tell Blossom and Hope I love them and look out for all my friends."_

 _Then the horse heaved itself onwards with mighty strides._

 _"Ike, where are you goin'?" Buck hollered and felt something shake his shoulder hard.  
"Ike!" he repeated and tried to get rid of Lou's hand on his shoulder hindering him from getting to his son._

"Buck!" Lou yelled in his ear. "You're having a nightmare!"

The horse and Ike dissolved into darkness as Buck opened his eyes and stared right into the starless night.

"You scared me stiff!" Lou told him shakily. "You were hollering so loud even the horses got spooked."

"Something just happened to Ike," Buck stated and turned his eyes to meet hers.

"Buck it was only a nightmare," Lou told him, covering him in the blankets as if he were a child.

"No Lou, it wasn't," Buck spoke almost inaudibly. Turning his gaze back up to the sky Lou shuddered at the sound of his desolate whisper. Lou seated herself up to lean onto the buckboard. With shaking hands she gripped the blanket and pulled it close around her. Glancing at Buck, she saw him stare unseeingly up to the sky. Lou was afraid to fall asleep again. Remembering every detail of her nightmare she had no wish to repeat it.

So they both remain there, staring out into the night, lost in different worlds.

 

 

Kid walked out of the teepee with Ike in his arms. He sensed Walks-softly right behind him. Feeling like he was walking on unsteady ground, he steered his steps to the creek. He walked up and down the bank for hours. Walks-softly sat on a rock watching him. There was not one clear thought in Kid's mind as he stumbled along the creek. He kept rehearsing how he was going to tell Buck that his son died in his arms while he was incapable of helping him in any way--that he in fact had asked for Ike's suffering to end! He kept asking Lou how to handle this, what to do next? In his mind he saw Blossom's eyes pierce his as he tried to tell her her brother had died. And Dawn's eyes that emanated pure hate as they bore into his. He started shivering from the cold and instinctively wrapped the blanket tighter around Ike.

Then he stopped his pacing and stared at the boy in his arms. Ike would never feel cold again, Ike would never feel anything again. Kid sank to the ground.

 

 

Walks-softly rose to take the child from him. "Ma-ye-tin," he told the Kid, "there was nothing you could have done."

The man on his knees before him kept looking at the dead boy in his arms. Walk-softly took the boy from him. "We'll give him an Indian funeral tomorrow." Kid nodded and felt his arms strangely empty. Hiding his face in his hands, he shivered from the cold.

Walks-softly looked at him and cursed. Ma-ye-tin had the sickness too. He was sure of that. Those shivers were all too familiar to him. "Wait for me here, Ma-ye-tin," he told him and patted his shoulder. Walks-softly turned to look over to the village, he needed help to care for this man. His wife and he had Blossom and Dawn to take care of. And Emma did not need to see her father ill. He returned to the village to look for his sister, his heart heavy of sorrow. How many were yet to die?

 

 

Kid remain on the bank of the creek, his whole body aching with grief. He had no strength to move any longer. He cupped his hands in the creek and drank the water. It was so cold it burned its way down his throat. He felt strangely thirsty so he kept drinking while his throat was protesting violently. He tried to rinse the strange metallic taste out of his mouth.

He rose on unsteady legs to get upstream to where they used to fetch water. Somehow it seemed like the world had crashed onto his shoulders. Every step was an endeavor. It was the coldest night he ever remembered. He sank to drink again, knowing he had to pull himself together and get back to the teepee and take care of the rest. The metallic taste of the water made his stomach turn in disgust. He laid down on the bank, he just needed to gather himself for a while before he got back.

 _Oh Lou_ , he thought as he stared up into the sky, _I need you!_

 

 _She was riding the same black horse again. The scene was the same but this time she knew what to expect so she looked for Kid. He was nowhere to be found. The hooves thundered against the shoreline and she urged the horse onwards. She knew Kid was somewhere out there and he needed her. She felt him calling out for her._

 _Kid felt the ground tremble under him. Seating himself up, he directed his gaze to the sound of a horse galloping fast towards him. As he saw nothing, he rose and squinted his eyes. Somehow he knew Lou was coming for them all. He felt the water splash around his feet. Surprised he looked down and found himself standing in water--pitch black water._

 _Lou spotted him out in the water, looking down at his own feet. She hollered his name and he looked up at her. She couldn't tell about the expression on his face and although she made the horse run flat out, she didn't seem to get any closer._

 _Kid heard Lou call out his name and looked up to find her straddled on a giant black horse that looked dangerous. She looked so small on its back and he sensed the horse was running out of control.  
"Lou," he whispered in fear, it seemed like the horse was taking her away from him, taking her some place dangerous. Extending his arm he whispered to her to come to him. He was afraid to make sudden moves, fearing it might scare the horse and make it throw her off. If she fell off at this pace, she'd break her neck._

 _Lou had again left the shoreline and rode on the black water.  
Kid extended his arm to her and looked concerned. He looked so sick and his breathing was labored. "Kid," she whimpered and knew she had to get to him before it was too late. Remembering how she had missed the last time, she readied herself to throw herself off the horse as it dashed by. She had to get to Kid before he was immersed in the darkness._

 _Kid stiffened when he saw Lou lean to the side of the horse. She was falling off! And the horse was running too fast. When it was just a few strides away from him, he took two steps in their direction, praying he'd catch her when she fell off._

 _Lou noticed Kid walk towards her and she knew he'd fall into the abyss if he took another step. She flung herself off just as Kid took the fatal step._

 _"NO!" they both hollered as Kid watched Lou plunge into the black water to immediately be drawn into the darkness and Lou saw how Kid stepped into the nothing of pitch black water and disappeared under the surface.  
_  
They both opened their eyes at the same exact instant.

 

Lou whimpered and rose to her knees on the buckboard. Buck turned his eyes to watch her. She was shivering and her eyes were black. He saw the same fear in her eyes that he felt inside. "Lou?"

She stared back at him, her eyes wide and shining with desperation and fear. "I have to get to him!" she whispered hoarsely. Buck just watched as she hitched the horse herself and tied her mount behind the buckboard.

"Lou?" Buck called out again to calm her.

She said nothing but climbed to the seat and lifted the reins and gave the horse a nick with them. "Have to get there!" she said and made the horse pick up speed.

Buck had to grab on to the edge of the buckboard to avoid falling off. "Lou it was only a nightmare!" he tried to soothe her. Lou urged the horse into canter and Buck laid back down, feeling her despair rattle his own nerves.

 

Kid turned to his side and started crawling to get to Lou. Feeling the hard stones under his knees, he finally woke up. Looking around him, he realized it must have been a dream. He was out of the water and back at the creek. The morning light made the sky pinker slightly at the horizon. He shivered violently and his teeth clashed hard together.

"Lou?" he said out loud, hoping she would hear him if she was close. He looked over the creek to see if the water had been stirred up by hooves, but it was still.   
"What's happening to you, Lou?" he moaned as he sank back onto the bank. He cupped his hands and washed himself in the cold water to clear his mind. His lips were cracking up from thirst and he had to drink.

The metallic taste was even stronger upstream. He instinctively knew something was wrong with the water. And if Lou had fallen into it? He crawled in the water, looking for Lou. He was so scared that every breath he took hurt and his muscles shrieked in protest.

Shivering from the cold he crawled upstream; he had to find Lou.

 

A child, a woman, and an old man, that's all, Daniel Burgh thought as he placed three more crosses on the page before him. Even with the zincsalts, they weren't dying quick enough for his liking. His thoughts were interrupted as his assistant pushed aside the flap of the tent. "Doc Burgh?"

Burgh sighed. "Yes, Mr. Mauk, what is it?" he responded impatiently.

The young soldier swallowed before continuing. "I got a man here says some white farmer talked to him a couple nights ago, askin' about a white girl on the reservation. He's insistin' I tell you 'bout it, but you can smell the liquor on 'im."

Burgh's head snapped up at the mention of the white farmer. "Why am I just hearing about this now?"

"Sir, the man was obviously drunk..."

"I'd like to talk to this man personally. Send him in Mr. Mauk."

"But sir...."

"Send him in, Mr. Mauk," the doctor replied again his tone harsh, proving he'd take no excuses from his assistant. "And you'd better pray to all you hold holy that this man is wrong, Private because I intend to hold you personally responsible for it if this farmer has entered the reservation and tells an,yone about our little project here."

The young soldier straightened his back. "Yessir!"   
He left the tent and gestured toward the older soldier waiting in the shadows. Imagine takin' orders from a civilian, he thought. "He says you're to go in although, why he outta believe a drunk who was supposed to be standin' guard is beyond me."

The older man walked in to the tent, his heart pounding. He'd heard about Burgh's hatred for the red man and his violent temper. It was bad enough that he'd been drunk on watch, but if word got out about their doings and he could have stopped it, all the men would have his hide. "Ye wanted to see me, sir?"

"Yes, Mr...?"

"Elgin."

"Yes, Elgin," Burgh said calmly, leaning back in his chair. No sense in getting worried until you've heard the whole story. "Mr. Mauk tells me you think you saw a white farmer asking questions about the reservation a few nights ago."

"Yes, sir," Elgin replied. "I was on watch and..."

The soldier reeked of whisky and Burgh suddenly caught a suffocating whiff of it. He knew this kind of man well.

"Good God man are you drunk?"

Elgin's eyes widened in worry. "No, sir. I had a drink this afternoon but..."

The doctor interrupted the man's excuses, his voice hard as steel. "Were you drunk the night you saw this farmer?" Without pausing long enough for the man to answer, Burgh continued. "It doesn't matter. Mr. Elgin, take two other men and look for this white farmer that so easily slipped past you in your drunken state a few nights ago. Dead, alive, I don't care. Just find out if he really exists and where he is, then report back to me, understood?"

"Yes sir."

"And Elgin?" The soldier stopped short of exiting the tent and turned to look at the man in charge. "You mess this up, and I will personally cut off every limb protruding from your body and feed them to you. Now, go."

Elgin quickly exited, unwilling to risk Daniel Burgh's wrath.

Meanwhile, Burgh had left his seat and began to pace the confines of his tent. This white farmer upped the anty a bit. If word got out about their operation, there were those in the government who would see his actions as murder. However, if the man died on the reservation and Burgh's men could dispose of the body, they may just escape the whole thing with their honor intact. But - if the man died and someone talked, there was nothing stopping Daniel Burgh and the men with him, from swinging at the end of a rope.   
_  
I've got to find this man_ , he thought uneasily.


	8. Chapter 8

"Lou, slow down, you're killing the horses!"   
Crawling up to her side, Buck yanked the reins and the horse gratefully slowed down. "Lou you gotta let them walk!" he told her sternly.

Tears were staining Lou's dirty face. As the horse slowed down to a walk, Buck finally dared climbing up beside her on the seat. The morning air was chilly and Buck wrapped the blanket around Lou's shoulders. It made her break down and cry. He held on to her while she sobbed into the blanket.   
"Lou, it was only a nightmare," he tried again.

"No, it wasn't," she sobbed.

Buck wondered at her words. Had she seen the same he had, had she witnessed a loved one say goodbye? "Lou why won't you tell me what you saw in that dream?" he asked her softly.

"I can't," she told him. "I can't even think about it!"

"You'd feel better if you told me about it Lou, sharing helps."

Finally she lifted her face from the blanket and looked at him. "Tell me yours first!"

Buck cringed at her words. He did not know if he was able to share this. It was too close and too painful, but looking into her eyes, he knew he had to. So he told her about the black horse and the pitch dark water, Ike on the horse's back, riding away from him, telling him he had to go, ordering him to stay and take care of Dawn and the rest of the family. He told her he knew his son had died right that minute. Ike had just come to say good-bye.

Lou's eyes got bigger with every word he spoke. She leaned onto him and cried silently again. Buck held her and felt tears run down his cheeks. He knew for certain, he knew it with his whole being. Ike was no longer among them, he had slipped into the world of the ancestors.

Lou clung to him while she told him about her dream. She told him about the black horse she was riding. Buck felt shivers run down his spine. She told him about Kid standing in the water, reaching out for her and how he vanished into the darkness as she flung herself off the horse to get to him.

"It means he's dead, don't it?" she asked him with a voice he barely recognized. Buck stared at the woman at his side, he was no Man of Dreams but her dream told him Lou was the one in danger. Lou was the one on the black horse, riding away.

"I don't think so Lou," he stated with a shivering voice, "you were the one riding."

Lou shook her head violently. "What could possibly happen to me?"

Wordlessly Buck pulled her closer to him. Kid would kill him if he let something happen to Lou.

 

 

Dawn woke as the light pierced her eyelids. She felt weak. Turning her head her eyes fell on Blossom and Emma sleeping on a bedroll close to her. She extended her hand to touch Blossom's face. Emma woke and looked at her with sleepy eyes. "Go back to sleep honey," Dawn told the girl in a raspy voice. Softsong knelt down besides her.   
"Where's Ike?" she impatiently asked the woman.

"Oh Dawn," Softsong sighed. "Ike is no longer here, he went to the ancestors."

Dawn stared at her, not believing a word the woman was saying. "You're lying!" she accused her harshly. "Why are you lying to me?" Her voice was hard and it woke Blossom up. Dawn noticed Emma looking at her with scared eyes. Blossom started to cough. Her body wracking with each cough and Dawn's heart was shattered into a million pieces. She turned her weakened body to her daughter fighting for air.

But Walks-softly rushed in and picked the girl up into his arms. He took her out of the teepee and Emma followed them out.

"Where is he taking her?" Dawn shrieked and tried to crawl after them.

Softsong stopped her and made her lie down again. "Don't worry, Ma-ye-tin found out she breathes better and coughs less in the fresh air. She is getting better every day, she just coughs in the mornings."

"Ma-ye-tin?" Dawn asked, not recognizing the name.

"Kid," Softsong informed her. "He helped Ike cross the border."

Dawn stared at her. Why hadn't he told her about Ike himself? Why didn't he wake her while Ike was still alive? How did he dare let Ike go without her, his mother, knowing? A rage took over the grief. Kid had known and hadn't bothered to tell her. He had deprived her of her son!

 

Walks-softly carried a tired Blossom back inside. Dawn had to put all thoughts of Ike behind her. She needed to take care of her daughter right now. She cradled her into her arms and waved for Emma to cuddle up on her other side. Emma shook her head and turned to Walks-softly:

"We have to get water, where's Dad?"

Dawn witnessed the glance Walks-softly and Softsong exchanged before talking in Kiowa. "I can't find him, he's not where I left him."

"He couldn't have gone far."

"I know, I have to look upstream even though the ten grandmothers told the Man of Dreams not to tread that ground."

"Where's Pa?" Emma insisted, tugging at Walks-softly's sleeve.

The man knelt down besides the girl. "Your Pa is resting, he needed some sleep. Softsong and I will take care of you for a while."

"Did he go where Ike went?" Emma asked, tears brimming her eyes.

Walks-softly threw another glance in his wife's direction. She shook her head, they could not tell the girl her father was ill and what was worse, missing. She had gone through an awful lot already.   
"No," he answered the little girl.

"But he has to come, we always get the water together," Emma sobbed. "Pa, me and Blossom, we always do that!"

"I'll get the water with you today," Walks-softly comforted the little girl.

"We have this special place," Emma whined.

"You show me and we will get the water from there."

Dawn wondered why she didn't feel any fear at the news of Kid's illness? In fact she felt nothing at all. She was too tired to feel anything, she closed her eyes and fell asleep with Blossom cuddled at her side.

 

"Lou! Stop the wagon!" Buck hollered as he saw traces in the dirt. Sliding down from the buckboard, he kneeled to examine them. They were fresh. Maybe fifteen men and two heavy wagons. It must be the Army. And for some reason They were walking their horses.

"What is it, Buck?" Lou asked.

"An army troop," Buck informed her. "Not more than an hour away. Taking it very slowly."

"Should we get their help?" Lou turned to the direction the tracks were leading.

"You think the army will help us just because we think something has happened?" Buck snorted derisively.

"They might," Lou told him.

"Or they might declare us crazy and stall us even further."

Lou looked to Buck and then to the horizon again. Torn between riding to get more help and getting to the tribe as soon as possible.

"We're an hour away Lou. We have to see what's goin' on first. They will help you only if they know something is seriously wrong. It's an Indian reservation, Lou, they won't care."

She turned her eyes back to him. He was probably right, the Army would not care. And she needed to know if she was already too late. "You're probably right Buck," she sighed.

When Buck climbed back into the buckboard, she let her eyes wander back to the horizon one last time, wondering if she had made the wrong decision.

 

Kid woke as the sun pierced his eyelids. Opening his eyes, he stared right into a blue sky. He lay there for a moment ,wondering where he was and why his head felt like a herd of wild mustangs was running around in it? The sun seemed to send ice-cold rays on him, he felt cold even though he was bathed in sunshine. He had no recollection why he was here at all. The last thing he remembered was walking out here with Ike. Ike! He rose to a sitting position so fast his head spun. He remembered Lou riding on a black horse. Where was she now? All the memories and the thoughts mingled into a whirl of images dancing before his eyes. He crawled closer to the water. He had to get rid of this nauseating metallic taste in his mouth. Shivering from the cold, he drank the water only to find that the metallic taste increased. The taste in his mouth brought back his memory. He had to get upstream to look for Lou. His whole body screamed in pain when he rose to his feet. Staggering he continued forward. Keeping his eyes on the creek made him want to throw up as it seemed to dance before his eyes, but he had to look for Lou. Sweat covered his body and made the shivers of cold more acute.

He gritted his teeth and walked on, closing his eyes to calm the whirling in his head. He stumbled over a stone and fell into the creek. Instinctively he extended his hands as he fell, landing on something wooden. Cursing he rolled himself to the side and stared at a wooden barrel in the creek, hidden behind the rocks he had stumbled on. What was a barrel doing in the creek? Something was slowly leaking out of it. He dipped his finger in the white substance that slowly dissolved into the water. Smelling it he felt nothing at all. He tasted it and felt the metallic taste fill his mouth again. The sensation made him throw up on the bank. Rinsing his mouth with the water he, realized it didn't help much. His mind was working hard to get an explanation. The only one he found was that they were being poisoned, but by whom?

He had to tell somebody. The barrel was too big to get it out of the water by himself. He needed help but he had to find Lou too! Another cramp wrenching his guts made him fall down on the bank. The shivers and the nausea overwhelmed him and, shaking his head to get rid of the dizziness, he was drawn into darkness.

 

Buck and Lou were carefully making their way to the village on foot. They hid their horses and wagon behind some trees and started their walk. Buck got out of breath easily and Lou signed she'd go ahead. Buck looked so pale she feared he'd faint any second. She had to force him to stay behind, even though he had to fight for air. Not minding Buck's protests, she ran ahead, all her senses alert.

There was something in the air that suggested danger and she hid behind a rock when hearing hooves approaching her. A man leading a horse appeared. Lou's breath was caught in her throat as she saw two bundles on the horse's back. Paralyzed, she watched the man walk by. Moving soundlessly, she followed at a distance, careful not to be seen. She ducked again as the horse turned back, coming toward her again. The man leading it was holding a rifle, looking carefully around as if he sensed somebody there. Lou dared not breathe. The man stopped right in front of her and coughed violently. Then he wiped his nose and walked on. Lou finally dared take a breath. When the man was out of sight, she continued forward.

Arriving at an opening in the forest, she saw two corpses on the ground. The sight made her feel sick. But she had to know what had happened to them. Disgusted, she crawled closer. Opening the bundles, she examined the dead with her heart beating fast and her fingers trembling. There were no visible wounds on either of the men. With her hand she lifted the arm of one of the dead to assure herself he hadn't been shot dead. There was no sign of violence on either of them. The flu must have killed them. But these where white men, what were they doing here? As she lifted her eyes she saw a hole dug in the ground further ahead. Rising to her feet she walked ahead to look into it.

What she saw in the hole made her stumble backwards and fall over the dead bodies. She wanted to scream but her fear made her throat tighten. Out of breath she scrambled to her feet and ran. Disgusted she wiped her nose as she ran. Feeling nauseated she forgot to be careful and ran flat out. Blinded by tears she fled the horrible sight she had encountered.

Somebody took a hold of her and she fought violently against the firm hold.

"Lou!" Buck voice finally woke her from the torpor. "Lou, calm down, what happened?"

Lou fought the waves of nausea. Panting she gripped Buck's upper arm so tight he winced. Lou tired to talk but found herself coughing, the fear had made her mouth completely dry. Buck extended her the water and she drank. The water cleared her mind and she stared shaking.

"Lou, tell me what happened?" Buck voice was thick of emotion. "What happened out there?"

"Buck, you don't wanna know!" Lou exhaled. "It was the most gruesome thing I ever saw."

Buck's grip on her arms tightened. He was speechless, he needed to know what Lou had seen but he wasn't entirely sure he wanted to get the explicits.

"There was a bunch of dead white men in a hole out there. You think that's serious enough for the Army to react?" She was already on her feet, wiping her hands on her pants. "I'm riding out after them."

"Lou, hold on, I'll come too." Buck said and rose to his feet.

Lou stopped him abruptly. "No Buck, you won't be able to follow my speed. You wait here." She had that demeanor again that told him arguing with her would be futile. "Ya hearing me Buck? Stay here!"

Buck let go of her arm. He feared the worst having her ride out alone. Who knew what this was all about? If the Army was behind it all, how would they take it? But if Lou was determined, she would ride out, there was nothing he could do to stop her. "Be careful Lou!"

Lou nodded and buried her eyes in his, the glare she gave him was a clear order. "Stay here and wait for me, there's men with rifles guarding the village."

Buck nodded and watched her turn and run to the horses.

 

When she was out of sight he turned and started walking to the village. He was so close now he had to know. Not knowing was worse than finally finding out. He had to get into the village and look for his family.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Note to the reader:  
> I excuse myself for even trying to write about Native American Culture. My very limited knowledge of American Native Culture is derived from the listed works of cultural anthropologists. So you see, I've only scratched the surface. But if you're interested, I guarantee these articles and books are very informative:  
> Bilosi, T. (1995), The birth of the Reservation: Making the Modern Individual among the Lakota. American Ethnologist 22(1): 28-53.  
> Cornell,S. (1988) The transformation of the Tribe: Organization and Self-concept in Native American Ethnicities. Ethnic and Racial Studies 11:27-47  
> Cornell, S. (1996) The Variable Ties that Bind: Content and Circumstance in Ethnic Processes. Ethnic and Racial Studies 19(2): 27-47  
> Gill, S.D. (1992) The Shadow of a Vision Yonder. Capps, W.H. (ed.) Seeing with a Native eye, Harper & Row, NY.  
> Witherspoon, G. Language and Art in the Navajo Universe. The University of Michigan Press, Ann Arbor.

Lou rode like the devil was hot on her heels, only slowing down when the horse under her started to breathe heavily. Impatiently, she slowed down and let the horse take a breather. Her hard ride was tiring her too but she could not think about that. To give the horse more rest, she slid off its back and walked alongside of it. The horse hung its head, foaming profusely.

"I'm so sorry girl, but we have to get there fast. Hold on a little bit longer and I'll let you drink some before we pick up speed again." She wondered if Buck was right; hopefully the army troop had passed recently.

Looking at the tracks she was following, she realized they had picked up speed. The marks of hooves left in the dirt indicated they were traveling at a trot right now. She'd give anything for a fresh horse. Walking alongside the animal she could not stop the images that kept oozing into her mind--images of Kid and Emma in that dreadful hole. They were not Indians; if they had died nobody would claim their bodies and give them a proper funeral. No, she was wrong, Dawn would. But what if she had died first and left Kid and the girls alone?

Lou's mind was making up all kinds of scenarios, each one worse than the other. She could not stop thinking about the hole and what she had seen. Now she was angry with herself for not taking a closer look. If she had, she would not be walking around wondering who was in it? How come nobody knew about what was happening on the reservation? Who was behind all this madness? She walked till her feet got sore.

When she found a watering hole, she sank down and filled her canteen. The horse was breathing fine again, she might find the troop by tonight and be back at the reservation the next morning. She let the horse eat some of the grass by the water and excused herself as she mounted the mare again.

"I'm sorry girl, but when we get home you'll have all the rest you want. Right now there's work to be done." The horse seemed to sense her distress, her anxiousness to get where she was heading. Obediently, the mare picked up speed as Lou asked her to.

 

 

Emma and Walks-softly made their way to the creek.

Ma-ye-tin's little girl was very silent, not as a child should be, Walks-softly thought as he wandered slowly with her hand in his. He kept gazing around, hoping to find some sign of the little girl's father. Following Emma, he hesitated when she wanted to walk into the part that the Man of Dreams had told them was forbidden. Emma looked at him and told him they always brought the water from further up. Walk-softly had to follow the little girl; he'd explain to the ancestors later. Or maybe the ancestors were talking through the little girl? Since none of them had the new ailment that had fallen upon the village, it might be that the ancestors were using the girl to show him something he needed to know. Other brothers and sisters recuperating from the first illness had fallen ill and died of mysterious pains in their guts, but no one who drank Ma-ye-tin's water had the pain in their stomachs. Maybe the somebody was trying to tell them something and they had all been to occupied to listen?

He followed the little girl's lead and felt the sorrow grow in his heart as her father seemed nowhere to be found. They filled the sink with water from the holy part of the creek, even though Walks-softly felt uneasy about it. He asked the ancestors to give them a sign. The little girl leaned in to wash her face in the creek and the feather he had stuck into her hair fell into the water. It swirled for a while in the water and then it floated downstream. Emma had not noticed it had fallen from her hair. Walks-softly knew this was a sign. Squinting his eyes he looked downstream but could see nothing. The creek floated into the wood and bent out of sight, hidden by rocks and trees. But he knew something was out there.

Emma finished her washing up and turned to him, handing him the soap she held in her hand. "Your turneth!" she told the man.

"Huh?"

"Pa always says that, it means it's your turn to wash your face."

"Oh!" Walks-softly nodded solemnly, "I see."

Emma watched him carefully as he washed himself in the water. This was definitely against the will of the water, he thought and shrugged, excusing himself to the stream for polluting it with his unworthy presence. Since nothing happened to him as he splashed the water on his face, he gathered that the ancestors would not claim his soul at once and neither would the soul of water. He could only hope the soul of the water did not claim anyone else either.

Emma handed him the towel she had fetched from the basket. He carefully dried his face and turned to Emma to get her approval, laying the towel on the bank as he did so. Emma looked at him and was obviously content with his effort. Walks-softly smiled at her solemn nod.

Then the girl screamed, "The towel!" and pointed to the creek.

Walks-softly turned to see the towel he had just placed far away from the water ride down the stream. Now he knew he had to look further down, but he also sensed Emma should not be with him as he did so. The girl tried to run into the water and get the towel but he stopped her gently. "It's alright, someone will stop it further down the stream. We have to get this water to Softsong won't we?"   
Lifting the girl onto his strong shoulder, he started for the teepee, walking briskly with the sink in his other hand. He knew he had to see what lay in that stream and why the water itself kept urging him to find out.

Walks-softly put Emma down on her feet beside the teepee. Softsong walked out and took the child by her hand.

"You need to eat something!" his wife told the girl while she was scrutinizing his face.

"I'm not hungry," the girl protested as Walks-softly gave his wife a shrug indicating, _'I don't know'_.

"Blossom's asking for you," Softsong told her and they turned to walk inside.

Emma turned back to face him. "Will you bring Pa to me later?" she asked with a teary voice that ripped Walks-softly's heart in two. "As soon as he wakes," he promised the little girl.

When they disappeared into the teepee, he turned on his heels and ran to the creek, grabbing Slow-Crow's arm as he ran, forcing the man to run along.

He stopped breathlessly by the creek. Slow-Crow moaned slightly; "Have you gone mad? My stomach hurts I should not be running!"

"I might have found out why it hurts, walk up the stream and look for anything strange!"

"We can't go there! The Man of Dreams has told us not to! It's against the will of the Ten Grandmothers."

"The soul of the water gave me signs!" he told his friend sternly and started walking.

Slow-Crow followed, hoping the water would understand he was forced to. Coming around a bend, they found what Walks-slowly had feared. Ma-ye-tin was lying partly in the water. His hand was in the creek and both the towel and the feather rested on it. Cursing, Walks-sotly fell onto his knees by the man's side. Turning him, he realized with relief that he was still breathing. He was hot as the fire though.   
"Ma-ye-tin!" he shook him hard to make him wake up, asking what he was doing in the creek and not in the place where he had told him to wait and wondering why the ancestors regarded this white man so important to be found?

 

 

Kid felt somebody shake him hard. He moaned and figured it was Lou trying to wake him up; he had obviously overslept again, but he was still dead tired and had no wish to go the barn and muck the stalls out, not just yet. However, the shaking continued. She must be really mad at him. He wondered if there was some chance of bribing her into letting him sleep at least another ten minutes. "Lou," he grunted.

"Ma-ye-tin!"

Kid cracked his eyes slightly open and found himself staring into the face of Walks-softly--definitely not the person Kid wished to see right now. He moaned again and shut his eyes hoping he was having a bad dream. Then the man said something in Kiowa in a very angry voice. Kid tried to open his eyes and tell him to leave him alone. Water was splashed on his face and it made him angry enough to open his mouth and tell them get out of here. Some of the water found its way to his mouth and he tasted the metallic flavor. He cracked his eyes wide open. "Poison," he said.

"What?"

Another voice said something in Kiowa. It was obvious they didn't believe him. "Poison...barrel," he cracked in a voice he did not recognize.

Walks-softly let go of him and Kid gratefully sank back into the darkness.

 

 

Both men stared down at a barrel in the creek. Slow-Crow dipped his finger in the white substance oozing out of the barrel and tasted it shrugging. "It's the same taste as the water had begotten during these past few days."

Walks-softly nodded, the soul of the water had been right. "We need to start taking water further up!"

"Shouldn't we get the barrel out instead?" Slow-Crow pointed out.

"No! The white men will find out and place another barrel in another place. We can't let the men know we've found out. We'll tell everyone to take the water from where the animals drink instead."

Slow-Crow looked slightly disgusted but nodded in a sign that he would do as he was told. Walks-softly remain at the white man's side and Slow-Crow elevated his eyebrow forming a questioning face. "Aren't you coming?"

"Get three more men to come here, we have to carry him to the village, he's too weak to walk."

Slow-Crow stared at him in disbelief. "He's a white man! They treat us worse than dogs! Why save him?"

"Because the soul of the water used him and his daughter to show us the danger, you fool. Now go! And try to forget your name and make it fast!"

Slow-Crow muttered angrily at Walks-softly's joke about his name as he walked back to the village.

 

 

Buck surveyed the village from the forest surrounding it. Men were circling it on horseback. He wondered why, he knew the Kiowas were not supposed to leave the reservation but there had not been armed guards last time. The former Indian Agent had not been particularly strict concerning their movements as long as they didn't stray too far. Buck wondered if that was the reason why he had been replaced?

It had taken far longer to reach this point than he had calculated. He had to wait for a long time while the Indian Agent's men circled the area around him. He got a feeling they were looking for somebody. It was getting dark when he finally reached a spot where he could look into the camp.

There seemed to be a lot less people in the village now than only a week ago. Were they all dead? He hoped against hope to see somebody from his family. Once he thought he spotted Softsong but there was no way to be sure it was her. He found himself praying it was. His stiff muscles ached but he strained himself to keep the village under surveillance; the first chance he got, he'd sneak in. He witnessed some commotion as three men carried somebody between them into a teepee. Another dead body he supposed. Some of the men around the teepee seemed engaged in a heated discussion until a young woman stepped out and threw a stone at their feet, yelling at them that they were worse than dogs in heat. Her angry voice carried straight to him over the distance. Buck felt the shame in his bones, that was a harsh statement. He sighed with relief as he understood the women were as feisty as ever in the village, that meant there was still hope.

The sun was setting and Buck held his breath as he started to walk toward the nearest teepee. He would soon have the answers he was fearing.


	10. Chapter 10

_Dawn ran to the Man of Dreams with Ike clutched in her arms. She tugged at the old man clothing; "Don't let him die!"  
The Man of Dreams turned and looked at her, his face was avoid of emotions. "He needs to go!" he stated.   
"No!" Dawn shook her head violently, "You already got my husband, don't take my son too!"  
The man of Dreams shook his head.  
"Take me instead!" Dawn pleaded. Seeing that the Man of Dreams turned his eyes from her, she offered him Kid's life for Ike's. Shiver's running down her spine as she did so. The man before her looked at her with eyes that made her stumble out of the teepee._

 _She found herself walking on the bank of the creek. She had lost Ike and she was mad at the world. Kid was lying on the bank and she ran up to him. He was lying still, looking at her with accusing eyes. Dawn knew he had found out she had offered his life instead of Ike's._

 _"Why?" he asked. She had no answer to this. She would do anything to save anyone of her children's lives. Didn't he know that? Did she really need to tell him why? Her guts wrenched in protest over what she had done but her mind denied the wrong doing. She had to bargain with his life since the Man of Dreams did not want hers._

 _Looking over him, she noticed he was tied to poles in the ground, unable to move. Just like she was trapped in her own feelings of hatred against the world._

 _"Help me," he pleaded with pain glazed eyes._

 _Dawn took a step back and laughed, he had not helped Ike and now he was begging her? The water rose slowly, he turned his eyes to her again and his lips moved but she could not make out what he said. She stood there watching him until the pitch dark water covered most of him. Only his face was uncovered and his eyes turned into Ike's._

 _She turned and walked away when he was immersed in the water. Her heart was beating hard in her chest. A child was crying with despair in the background._

 

Dawn was awakened by Emma's sobs and Softsong's comforting mumble. She was clear awake immediately but dared not open her eyes. Her body stiffened at the anxiousness in Emma's sobs. Something had happened to Kid, she knew that and she could not take any more. Had she brought it on? She heard Blossom's talk to her desolate friend; "Emma they'll find him, he's probably just resting, he's taken care of us all and I bet it made him tired."

"He would not leave me alone," Emma replied with a squeal.

No no no. Dawn's head was whirling, not him too! She was angry with him for going missing, what was that man thinking? She knew she used the anger to cover her fear, but anger was easier to handle. It did not hurt to the extent the fear lurking behind it did. And he had let Ike die without telling her! Yes, being angry with him felt better than worrying for him. The fear was pushed away and she welcomed the anger as a relief.

She seated herself up and looked at the girls. Blossom rose to throw herself into her arms and Dawn smiled. "Oh honey, I'm so happy you're fine!"

"Will you be too, Ma?"

Dawn felt weak and dizzy but she knew she was out of the woods. Feeling guilty for having survived when so many others had not. She gladly would have exchanged her life for Ike's but nobody had asked her to. Why did her son have to die? Meeting Blossom's sad gaze, she smiled at the girl and pushed her own sadness far back in her mind. She had so many debts to pay. Rocking her daughter in her lap she comforted her; "Of course I will sweetheart, we will all be fine."

Hugging her daughter, she extended her hand to caress Emma's hair. The girl recoiled from her touch and buried her head into Softsong's lap, like Emma knew what Dawn was thinking. The notion made Dawn's hand tremble as it landed on Emma's back. Softsong just looked at her and shook her head softly; better leave the girl alone. Guilt stricken, Dawn turned her face away to bury it in her daughter's hair. Kid had been able to help Blossom when she was sick, Softsong had told her that. Now his daughter was recoiling from her touch and Dawn hated him even more for turning Emma against her. She remember having seen him somewhere near the creek, but the memory was not clear. She just knew she had left him there, alone. What had she done?

The opening of the teepee flapped and Dawn turned to look at what had caused the movement. Her eyes widened in surprise and her lips trembled. The paleness showed the tired face of a sick man. But she was not sure it wasn't her mind making him up.

 

 

Lou finally saw the troop before her. They were walking their horses and Lou kicked her tired mount into action, it was not long now until the horse could rest. But she had to get the soldiers attention as soon as possible. Somehow she knew every second counted. She hollered to make them stop. The man in front raised his hand into the air and the column stopped, permitting Lou to pull her exhausted horse into a halt.   
"I need help!"

The man up front looked so familiar, but her head was throbbing from her wild ride and her vision was slightly blurred. She slid down of her horse and her knees gave in. A soldier appeared at her side and took care of her horse. The man she thought vaguely familiar lifted her from the ground and looked at her.

"Lou?"

Lou squinted her eyes and looked right into the face of William F. Cody. She sank into his lap. He would help them, the long ride that made her legs tremble had not been for nothing. She was so relieved she wanted to cry. "Oh Cody! You gotta help us!"

"Lou, what are you doin' out here? You're in the middle of nowhere." The blond man with the ridiculous mustache asked her. He had to look yet another time into her face, securing himself it was really his old Pony express bunkmate.

"They're killin' all of them Cody!"

Cody held on to the shivering Lou, she was not making much sense. "At the homestead Lou? Where's everybody else?"

"The reservation, dammit. They're killin' everybody on the Kiowa-reservation."

"Who is?"

"I don't know!"

Cody turned to the man standing next to him. "Would you bring me some water?"   
Cody figured Lou must be exhausted, God knows how long she had been riding in that pace. Seating her down on the ground he knelt by her side. Her breathing was labored and she repeatedly wiped her nose. Instinctively Cody extended a hand to touch her brow. It was like he expected, she had a fever.

Lou angrily swatted his hand away. "Cody, you gotta have your men turn around. They're all there, trapped. Dawn and Emma and...."

Cody stopped her rambling by pushing the canteen to her lips. "Drink this Lou and try to catch your breath."

Lou glared at him but the thirst made her throat sore.

She drank eagerly while Cody watched her. "Lou did you know you have a fever?"

Lou did not care if she had cholera or galloping measles, she needed Cody to go get her family out of the reservation and stop the man that was about to kill the Kiowas. "Cody! Listen to me, they're all dying!"

Cody said nothing but lifted her up in his arms. She had no time to fight him and tell him she was perfectly capable of walking herself, she had to explain the situation to him. He walked to the nearest wagon while she told her everything she knew. Cody's face got darker as Lou's tale progressed. "Cody, you gotta turn back now before it's too late!"

"I'll take five men and go arrest the Indian Agent, but Lou, you gotta rest. I'll get the Doc to see to you and you'll ride with the rest of the men."

"Cody, you don't understand" They need the doctor not me!" Lou protested, not able to believe Cody would leave her behind.

"Lou you said the flu, didn't you?" At Lou's nod he continued. "I know you don't wanna hear this Lou but I think you got it too."

"Who cares!" Lou spat out, "take Doc with you, please!"

"I can't ride," a man emerging behind Cody told her. Cody turned to the man and smiled in his direction. Then he threw a glance at Lou from the corner of his eyes; "Lou meet Doc Bannister, the newly enlisted Army Doctor on his way to the Wildest west. The only Doc in the Cavalry that's scared to death of horses!"

Lou grunted loudly as she swung her head back and leaned it onto the wood. Wasn't this just her luck?

 

 

Buck held his breath when Dawn's wide eyes found his. He could tell she did not believe what she saw. Her lips were trembling and she held on tight to Blossom, staring at him as if he were a ghost. Blossom must have sensed the shift in Dawn because she turned her head and looked at him. With a squeal she threw herself into his lap. Buck felt a relief so strong that he forgot to breathe for a moment. His girl was fine, snotty and dirty, yes, but beautifully alive. He hugged her close, feeling her little heart hammering.

Dawn remain seated like she was petrified. She looked so fragile it tore at his heart.

"Dawn," he whispered huskily and his throat tightened of emotion. He slid over to her with Blossom still in his lap. Her green eyes were oddly clouded.   
"Dawn," he repeated as he finally got her into his arms. Hugging both his girls close to him, he rocked them and repeated; "It's gonna be fine now," like a chant.

Dawn's hand gripped his shirtfront hard and she let out a ragged exhale. Buck could not believe his luck at having them both alive, he had been sure they were all dead. Blossom sobbed and clung to him, telling him about Ike and how sick Dawn had been. She let it all out. Buck took it all, hugging the girl as her voice let her down and long sobs replaced it. He had no idea how long they had been sitting there, he was so relieved to have found them he could do nothing but rock them in his lap and mumble soothing words in gratitude.

 

Dawn just let the sensation of Buck beside her take over. She had lost her capacity to talk, his words were wiping out her every thought. The words carried her to a peaceful state of mind; he was safe. The fear that had gripped her since Kid told her about the beating he had suffered, dissolved. All that had happened the past days were buried far back in her mind at that moment, Buck was all she needed right now.

Dawn's silence scared Buck. He looked up at Softsong that cradled Emma in her arms. He came out of the strange daze he had been in. Emma's teary face was buried under Softsong's chin, the girl had her thumb tucked into her mouth. She seemed to be asleep, but Buck feared she might be sick. Still rocking Dawn and Blossom he made a questioning face in her direction. Softsong's look at him told him not to ask questions, not in front of the girl. Softly talking in her native tongue, she told Buck that the girl was just sad because her father had gone missing. Walks-softly had found him sick at the creek and he was now in Proud Eagle's teepee. They had decided that the girl did not need to see her father this sick.

"But he's alive?" Buck asked in the same tongue.

"I think so," Softsong answered. "I haven't heard from Walks-softly in a long time."

"I need to go see him," Buck stated.

"You can't go, this illness spreads like wild fire, everyone that has not been sick has to stay away from the sick. The Man of Dreams told us so. You should not even be here!"

"His wife is coming with the Army, they will help you stop this man."

"Running Buck, the Army must have known what this man intended to do, I don't think we can expect any help from them."

"We need help from somebody!"

"The only thing you can do is take these girls out of here and go home, the rest of us will surely perish by the white man's hand. In one way or another." Softsong said this without remorse of bitterness, it was like she stated the facts. Buck met her eyes and had to look away at the resign in them, he felt guilty being half white himself.

"Buck, she's right!" Dawn finally raised her head to look him into the eyes. "Let's go home, tonight!"

Buck shook his head. "But Dawn, we have to get Kid first!"

Dawn looked away when he mentioned Kid's name. She recoiled from him and stared blindly to the ground.

"Dawn?" Buck asked at her sudden move away from him.

"We should get home," Dawn repeated in a toneless voice. "There's nothing left for us here."

Buck did not understand why Dawn was ready to leave Kid behind and flee, it was not like her at all. Did she know something he didn't? He shuddered at the changes in his wife, what had she been through? What had made her clear eyes become so clouded? He had expected bottomless sorrow but instead there was a dull pain behind the clouds in her eyes.

 

 

"Doc! Doc Burgh!"

Daniel reluctantly opened his eyes and sat up on the cot that comprised his bed. What now, he thought angrily. He stood and pulled up the suspenders on his trousers before walking to the tent flap.   
"Yes," he growled, sticking his head outside, "what is it?"

Private Elgin stood before him in all his fragrant glory, swaying on his feet with excitement. "We found that farmer like you said to. He's in one of the old guys' teepees. He's as sick as the rest of them, Doc."

"How sick?"

"It sure don't look good, sir. Been delirious the whole time. Me and the boys, we watched 'em bring him in from the creek."

Burgh stared past the soldier standing before him. or the irst time he realized that things really were going south on him. A white man had resided on the reservations and nobody had noticed. How many more had been here and maybe anaged to flee and spread the new? He'd thought he had this all under control.

 _What the hell were you thinking, Burgh? A white man sick and close to death is a hell of a lot different than a reservation of savages. You're lookin' at a murder charge.  
_ The realization was bitter. His plan had backfired.

"Goddammit!" he swore. "Elgin, get your boys and meet me at the creek. Looks like we've got to do some damage control and get the hell out of here before someone catches on!"


	11. Chapter 11

Buck had finally managed to get Dawn to sleep, she was still so weak from her disease but had still fought his attempt to make her rest. She had held on to him like she was afraid to drown if she let go. But after he forced some food into her, she finally fell asleep. Buck turned to Softsong to get her tale of the events. Blossoms ramblings had not given him anything but more questions.

It was very late and he himself felt like sleeping for a week, but there were things he needed to know. "Ike?" he whispered to Softsong, still holding Dawn's hand.

Softsong enfolded the sleeping Emma in some blankets and made a motion for him to step out of the teepee. Buck freed his entangled fingers from Dawn's and followed her out.

 

Standing in the cold air outside, he let his eyes wander over the village. He realized there were visibly fewer people around than only a little more than a week ago. And they were not out hunting.   
"What happened Softsong?" he repeated his question to the woman standing at his side. "When did Ike....?" his voice broke at the question.

"Two nights ago, Running Buck. There was nothing anyone could have done. The Indian medicine don't work on white man's diseases, you know that."

Buck had already known, but hearing it spoken out loud made his heart shrink to a hard knot in his ribcage. Tears rolled down his cheeks. Men should not cry, he knew that, but he could not help himself.

"We sent his spirits to the ancestors yesterday," Softsong comforted him. "If we would have known you were coming we would have waited."

Buck just nodded, he could not talk. Ike was dead and he had lost his only son. The pain that spread in his whole body was overwhelming. He found it hard to breathe and sank to his knees in the dirt. His body stiffened from holding back a scream of anguish as the knowledge fermented itself into his entire being.

Softsong forced him to his feet. "Running Buck, we know what happened to you, Dawn told us. You have to rest your body to keep your spirit strong, my friend. Because you need to be strong, you need to help Dawn."

Wordlessly Buck nodded his head, he would do anything in his power to make things better.

"Everybody is sleeping soundly inside. You do the same. Tomorrow everything will look different." Softsong pushed him back inside the teepee and watched sternly as he rested his weary body at Dawn's side. "And don't you move till morning," she scolded him and stepped out.

 

Emma whined softly in her sleep. Buck rose into sitting position like struck by lightning. He had forgot all about Kid! Where was he? Emma moved uneasy. Buck took her into his lap, he feared she would wake up and start asking questions he could not answer. Emma was soon calmed in his lap and he laid her back down on his side, embracing her. He wanted to get up and look for Kid. But his limbs felt so heavy he could not move. He lay there watching the fire burning in the middle of the teepee, trying to gather his strength so he could face Emma's questions in the morning. His thoughts wandered from Kid to Lou, was she alright? Had she found the troop? Then the thoughts wandered to the son he had lost, and the tears that rolled down his face made the image of the fire blur. He closed his eyes and clutched the surviving around him, feeling guilty for not feeling grateful instead of this bottomless sorrow that was dwelling in his heart. And he needed to be strong right now, for everybody's sake. And instead he felt like falling apart.

 

 

Lou was lying in the covered wagon and glared at the Doc who had stopped her from riding out after Cody as soon as he left. She was getting sicker from the movements of the wagon than she was of the fever. She tried to tell the man that but he had just pointed to the blankets that he had laid out on the relentlessly moving floor. He had even taken her gun away from her. Lou didn't mind that her head and throat were aching and that shivers rattled her body. She needed to get a new horse and ride out after Cody, she needed to find her family. What kind of a man was Doc Bannister not to understand this?

"Louise, you need to drink some water."

His voice interrupted her thoughts and she opened her eyes with some difficulty. "I need to be on my way," she hissed at him, not quite sounding like she intended, her voice was cracking up.

"Drink the water, it has quinine in it, it will lower your fever."

"What's that?" Lou asked with a frown peering into the cup the Doc was holding under her nose. The smell seemed so familiar. Then it hit her, the smell was the same she had felt years ago, in another Indian Reservation, the time she was captured by Lakota Renegades. This was Indian medicine and she knew how hard it was to get by the cinchona bark to lower the fever and the bark of the willow to ease the pain. The tea had saved many lives back then and she would not take it, others might need it more. "Save the medicine for those on the reservation, I can't take it, my family might need it." Lou protested. She was not feeling that bad, she was gonna make it.

"We have enough." Doc Bannister would not take no for an answer, she knew that. Drinking the bitter decoction, she felt guilty. How come she was taken care of while the one's in the camp probably had nothing? This was not right.

"Louise, understand that you have to rest up if you want to help them. You're a strong young woman, the flu might not be so hard on you. But if you strain yourself any further, it will kill you!"

"I know, I had some kind of flu three years ago, I remember the Doc telling me something like that." Lou nodded remembering the week she had spent in bed not aware of anything else than an acutely aching body and Kid's concern for her. Who looked out for him now if he was sick? Had he been thrown into that gruesome hole in the ground already? And Emma. her little girl where was she now? She was afraid to think of what may have happened to her little gir, it just scared her breathless. The picture before her eyes made her bury her face into the blanket and shiver violently.

"Louise, it might just be a good thing you had the flu. We don't know why but sometimes it seems that people who already went trough an ordeal like this sustains further influenza epidemics better." Doc Bannister leaned in to comfort the young woman.

Lou turned her face to him. Why didn't this man understand she did not care about herself. Her family was out there, and none of them had the sickness back then. The words the Doc spoke was certainly no comfort to her. "You don't see, I don't care about me."

Doc Bannister nodded, he had seen that already. Riding that horse had tired her body so much it had allowed the sickness to overtake her rapidly. He was sure that she'd be better off if she had not forced her body to the limit of what a human body can endure. This woman was a passionate character, strong-willed and stubborn. And she was so beautiful, even with feverish eyes and dressed like a man. If he didn't watch out he might fall in love with this woman. He had seen the golden ring of marital wows on her hand and he found himself wondering what her husband was like? She must be in her mid or late twenties. Her husband might be much older than she was, probably sickly and worn out by the hardships in the west. She probably did most of the work on the farm. This woman needed a younger man, someone in his early thirties, someone like himself. To his surprise Doc Bannister found himself disliking a man he never met. A man that made his wife risk her life by riding for help. What kind of a man was it that let her do things like that? Louise's eyes drifted shut and he covered her with the blanket. He could not resist letting his hand stroke her hair. To comfort her he told himself.

 

 

Cody and his men arrived as morning broke with a pale sun rising on a cloudless sky. They had ridden past an open grave, the sight had made all five of his men ready to desert the Army, he had to try to look the most Sergeant-like he could, even though his mind was on his friends in the camp. Buck had not been where Lou had told him he would wait for her, where had he gone? He stared down his twitching men, they were like boys running to their Ma, he thought bitterly. Most of the men riding with him was about his age or even older but now they seemed like boys to him.

"Soldiers, we are going to ride in and arrest the Indian Agent and his men. When this is done, we are going to try and help the Kiowas best we can."

"Sir!" a nervous voice rang out from behind him as they walked their horses toward the Army tent under the trees. "Is there some kind of illness around?"

The men had made the smallest man, Coulthard, their spokesman. Cody knew the men always chose him to protest against everything they found wrong but not enough guts to point it out. Samuel had guts and Cody admired him for that, he did what the other men never dared to. "Seems like the flu has struck the village," Cody informed them.

The men glanced at each other, the sickness had claimed many lives. Cody watched them silently from the corner of his eyes, wasn't this a fine bunch of boys? These were the men the Army had chosen to guard the northern territories. Cody felt more secure for each day that passed that he'd be forced to resign. The Army had made the wrong choices to many times for his liking, the Indian issue was one of the matters that made Cody seriously ponder on leaving it all behind.

Samuel Coulthard spoke again; "Sir, is there any way we can protect ourselves from this disease?"

"Doc said to keep our mouths and noses covered if we came in contact with the sick." Cody more sensed than actually saw the five men behind him cover their noses with their yellow scarves. Cody did not have the heart to tell them that anyone of them could have it since Lou had fallen sick. If he had just one man like Lou, he'd be so much confident about this ordeal!

Samuel urged his horse onward alongside of Cody's. With his scarf over his mouth, the man looked at him. "There's no sense in taking unnecessary risks, Sir!"

Cody glanced at him and realized he was right. Samuel was cautious and that was something else than cowardliness, the man was right, they had to keep well to be able to help the others. He had to remember talking about Samuel to his superiors. Cody raised a hand and they stopped in front of the tent. A scared boy peeked from behind it. So they knew they were coming, Cody wondered what kind of a fight they would encounter.

"Dismount!" Cody said but remain on his horse. The village was fully visible from this spot but still far away. He wondered what he would find out there? He watched the plain with the teepees rom his vantage point. A fire was burning on the outskirts of the village and two women putting more logs onto it, preparing the morning meal. Cody found himself wondering if they had any food left at all? The rations were known to be very small and many Indian Agents sold parts of what righteously belonged to the tribes. He strongly suspected this man was one of those. Bitterly he remembered Jeremiah Horne's words about progress. The man had been right and Cody hated to admit it. There was no respect for the Indian nation, there was no respect for life's varieties. Why did progress always mean the death of others for the benefit of some? Did it really have to be like that?

"Sir!" Coulthard's voice pierced his thoughts.

"Yes?" he answered but did not turn to face the man.   
"The man is gone, nobody knows where. The men are waiting for their payments from the Army."

Cody laughed sarcastically. The rat had left the sinking ship! "Arrest them! Then find the food that's been hidden and give it to whom it belongs. I'll try to find the chief of the village."

Samuel Coulthard had never heard Lieutenant Cody's voice so thick of emotion. For a moment he remain standing, his eyes following the Sergeant riding into the village. Wondering if it was safe to ride into the camp alone? Then he turned and did what he was told.


	12. Chapter 12

Buck woke from the angry hollers outside the teepee. He freed himself from Emma's and Dawn's hold. Blossom was sleeping soundly on Dawn's arm but Emma stirred as he moved. Holding his breath, he seated himself up and moved away from them to get out and see what the commotion was about. Emma still moved and whined in her sleep and Buck stroke her hair and mumbled soothingly to her. She finally calmed down and seemed to sleep soundly again. Her face was covered in dirt and tears had left traces of her sorrow on her face. Buck would take her to the creek when she woke up and help her wash her face, like her father had done before. He'd help the little girl in her worry and pain, there was nothing else he could do.

Stepping out, he noticed the hollers had turned into a threatening mumble. He turned his face and saw an Army officer ride toward them. Buck's heart skipped a beat; Lou had made it! But where was she, why wasn't she riding into the village alongside the Officer? The men aside him sizzled with anger and Buck knew that if the mob got out of hand, the Army officer would be gone. The chief tried to calm them down, telling them to wait.

As the Officer came closer, Buck's eyes widened in surprise, it looked exactly like Cody. But that could not be, could it?

Holding his breath he studied the oncoming rider carefully.

The Officer was holding his head down, like in shame. That was not usual, maybe the man had some knowledge of the Indian way. His sign of respect was probably what had saved him uptil now. When he halted his horse and slid down, raising his hand in a sign that he came in peace, Buck took a leap forward. "Cody!"

The Officer started running, he ran flat out towards his friend hollering; "Goddammit Buck, you were supposed to wait in the woods!"

Buck had to grin at Cody, he ran in a very unofficer-like manner. When Cody caught up to him, he threw his arms around Buck's shoulders and gave him a hard squeeze. "We have to stop seeing each other like this!"

Buck just boxed him lightly. "Where's Lou?"

Cody looked to the ground. "I left her with Doc Bannister, he thinks she's got the flu."

Buck clinched his teeth and shook his head. "How bad is she?" he murmured.

"Doc said the hard ride did not do her good!"

Buck cursed under his breath, remembering her dream, he was more scared for her than for Kid. Kid! He still had not seen him, he had no idea how he was. Would Emma lose both her parents? Buck turned to Cody; "Kid's sick too!"

"How about the rest, are they...?" Cody let his voice trail off at the sight of the pain in Buck's eyes. "Don't tell me.."

"Ike died!"

"Oh Buck!" Cody was at a loss of words, no words could lessen his friend's grief, he just squeezed his shoulders. "Dawn and Blossom?"

"They're recuperating, just like Emma. But Emma is miserable since her father went missing. She's sleeping right now, finally."

"Missing?"

"They found him by the creek and with him the barrel of poison."

"Where is he now?" Cody wanted to see Kid and right now if possible, he knew Lou would ask for her husband and child the first thing she did when the rest of the troop arrived. That was if she wasn't too sick. Cody shuddered at the thought. "A Doc is coming, we have lot of medicines with us, we were going to the Northern territories with provisions. But I think they will be needed here."

"What will your superiors say about your stunt?" Buck asked realizing that Cody probably had broken every rule in the Army book of rules.

"I don't care Buck, tell the men we,re here to help them and ask them where Kid is. If I don't have any answers when Lou arrives, she will have me hung!"

 

 

Lou muttered as the Doc forced more of the stinking medicine into her. She was furious because he would not let her go and the wagon was traveling far too slow. Feeling sick of the movements the wagon made as it heaved itself on the trail. It swayed from left to right and had Lou's stomach sway with it. Doc Bannister looked at her in a funny way.

"What?" she hissed at him as he kept staring at her.

"I keep telling you you should rest and you keep disobeying me."

The man was stupid, beyond stupid. How could she possibly rest knowing her loved ones all were in mortal danger? Had this man no feelings whatsoever?   
"You're not married are you?" she asked with a groan and had to lay back, all her muscles revolting with pain.

"No," Doc admitted and looked away. Had this woman read his thoughts? That if he ever married it would be to a woman just like Louise? In fact it would be Louise herself, if possible.

"I have two children with a man that means more to me than life itself so don't tell me to rest!"

Her words hurt. They hurt him bad. He did not care if she had children, he would gladly take care of them, it was the husband part that disturbed him. "What will happen to you and your children if you husband passes?" he asked casually, not realizing what he provoked in Lou.

"Shut up! Never say those word around me, don't even think those words around me. Just shut up, you boneheaded fool!" She was so furious he saw fire emanate from her eyes. She rose to a sitting position and was about to lunge herself at him. The explosion drained all her strength and she fell back onto the blankets, coughing.

"Louise!" he leaned in over her and laid a hand on her shoulder while she fought for air.

"Don't you ever say those words," she panted, out of air. Her eyes still burning.

Doc Bannister wanted her eyes to burn like that for him. He stroke her hair comfortingly, only to receive a glare that made him hastily withdraw his hand.

"Don't touch me," her voice was faint and she was slipping into unconsciousness or sleep, he was not sure which. But her voice told him he'd be sorry if he tried anything like this again.   
"I'm sorry Ma'am" he mumbled.

 

Sitting besides her, he watched her close her eyes. When he was sure she was no longer aware of her surroundings, he tucked the blankets around her. Then he leaned in and kissed her brow. He knew now Louise would be his. Somehow he'd see to it those passionate eyes would burn for him.

 

Somebody kept shaking him hard. Making his already aching body send out mind blurring beams of acute pain. Thinking it was Walks-softly that was still pestering him, he tried to move out of his reach but could not. The darned man kept shouting his name, making the mustangs in his head scared, having them run wildly around in it. Wait a minute, his thinking seemed to be less than clear right this minute. Carefully he squinted his eyes to see where he was at. He had no idea at the present.

"Gracious Lord, Kid, I've been trying to wake you up for half an hour!"

Kid closed his eyes again. This was it. He had died and gone to hell and Cody was there to meet him. He was going to spend eternity with an endlessly chatting Cody at his side, yes without any doubts was he in hell. This must be the punishment for wishing Ike's pain to end.

"Dammit Kid, you,re burning up, you need water and I can't keep pouring in into you lungs." Cody cursed. "Lou's gonna kill me for this," he then mumbled to somebody else.

"Cody, I told you to get him awake before you tried to make him drink, you've probably brought pneumonia on him too!" Buck voice was irritated.

At the mention of Lou, Kid's eyes flickered open. Both Buck and Cody saw him fight for words. Not wanting to strain him Buck hurried to tell him Lou was on her way. He let out the part of her having the flu though, that news might just send the Kid over the edge.

Kid kept trying to focus his eyes on him and Buck hurried to continue. "Everybody is fine Kid, don't worry."

Kid gathered it meant that they were not all dead and he was not in hell after all. He wanted to tell Buck about Ike. He wanted to tell his friend how immensely sorry he was that he had not been able to save his son. But Cody gave him no time to gather his strength. He kept forcing him to drink and Kid could not swallow. Hell, he had a hard time breathing. He felt the water run down his throat and he just closed his eyes again, hoping Cody would leave him alone and not drown him. Gasping for air as he felt water burn a trail in his sore throat. When some of the water reached his lungs, he coughed and felt the familiar cramps wrench his guts.

Ashamed of his own condition, he tried to move away from Buck's and Cody's consternated stares. The convulsion wracked his body and Kid knew exactly what Ike had felt like before he died. Holding on to the blanket, he turned his face to Buck to tell him how immensely sorry he was about Ike. Going the way he went must have been hell and he had not been able to help him. Another convulsion blackened his mind before he could speak, the last thing he heard was Cody's gasp.

 

Buck and Cody stared at the Kid. They had never seen anything like this before. His lips turned blue and only the white of his eyes was visible while his body cramped violently. Cody rose to get away from the sight. "God-al-mighty!" he spat out in a shivering voice. "Buck is he dead? He can't be dead, Lou'll kill me!"

Proud Eagle took the canteen from Cody's hand and chatted angrily in Cody's direction. She had been watching the men try to help Ma-ye-tin and what she saw made her fear their treatment more than the illness. With a grunt she turned Kid to his side to have him breathe easier. The Medicine man had run out of bark for the tea that lowers the fever and there was nothing else she could do.

 

Buck's lips had turned into a thin white line. His eyes were still directed at the Kid that lay absolutely still. Listening to Proud Eagle, he gathered Kid was still breathing. But for how long? Would Lou get here in time?   
"He ain't dead, Cody." Buck cracked having finally found his own voice that had been lost at the fearful sight. "Proud Eagle tells us to let him die a dignified death."

"Buck, he needs water! He needs a Doctor ... he can't just...Oh God Buck, what are we gonna tell Lou?"

"Cody, calm down. Let Proud Eagle help him, she does a better job than you do, you're just sending the water down to his lungs. If he gets pneumonia on top of this, I guarantee you Lou will have you hung." Buck tried with all his might to avoid what he thought was just around the corner. He just wished Lou would arrive in time to say good-bye.

"We can't let her see him like this, Buck. She's sick too and if she sees him like this I don't know what it will do to her."

"Cody, not knowing will hurt her just as much!"

Cody stared at the man on the hide covered ground. He shivered at the thought of Lou's reaction when she found him like this. It would be hell to pay. "We just have to stall her," he mumbled.

Buck rolled his eyes, Cody must have forgotten there was no way to stall Lou.

"Buck, I mean it, I ain't no doctor but I don't think he will make it this time and I'm not looking forward to telling Lou about this. Not in the state she is right now. At least let the Doc see him first."

Buck looked into Cody's eyes but he knew his friend could not understand it. He would have liked being there when Ike passed, he would have held him in his arms and told him he loved him. Lou should not be denied telling Kid she loved him while he was still alive. It would be cruel not to let her know. Buck opened his mouth to protest.

"I'm telling you, Buck, we gotta stall her."

Buck met Cody's eyes and shook his head. "You don't understand this Cody, but I will tell her and I will bring her to her husband even if I have to carry her. I won't let her live with the same doubts I'm living, not knowing how Ike went. She needs to know. They need to say good-bye."

He turned and walked out to tell the family about Kid's condition.

Cody was left behind staring after him. With a last glance at the Kid, Cody went to find his men. He had to tell them to stop Buck if necessary.

 

Cody stood on the ridge, waiting for the troop to arrive. They were close. He had no idea of how to break the news to Lou. But he was not sure he was going to be able to stop Buck from bringing Lou to Kid or the other way around. As he had met Dawn and looked into her eyes, he decided was not going to be the one to bring that pain into anybody's eyes. Hoping Lou would be well enough to see Emma, he anxiously awaited the wagon's arrival. Let at least Lou be alright, he prayed silently, that little girl will fall apart if not. He shivered remembering Emma's cry when she saw him and her clinging to him, begging him to bring her father or mother to her. He had not had the heart to tell the little girl the truth, he did not have the courage to do it.

 

The wagon pulled up with a shrieking sound. Expectantly he walked up to it and called out for Lou.

Doc Bannister shoved his head out and made a hushing sound. "I just gave her some medicine to get her to sleep, she has been so uneasy the whole way here. I needed to calm her."

"How is she?"

"She still has a fever but she will pull through if you just let me take care of her."

Cody remain staring at Doc, there was something about the man that was different. If he hadn't known better he would have said he acted protectively over Lou. Didn't he know she was married? Maybe he was just imagining things?   
"Her husband is very ill, Doc and furthermore, there's a little girl crying her eyes out for her Ma."

Doc turned to look at his patient in the wagon. "She needs her rest now, maybe seeing the little girl will do her good. But not until tomorrow and she can't have any disturbing news."

Cody nodded, he had gathered that. He was grateful Doc was on his side on this matter, Buck would have to give in. "Doc, there's a lot of people you need to help. I'll get the men to have them all moved into an Army tent so you can take care of them."

Doc nodded wearily. "She has to stay here though, she should not be moved!"

Cody glanced at Bannister again. But Doc knew best and who was he to protest against his ordinations. "I'll have some men ride into Sweetwater and get more provisions, what to do need to treat these people."

Doc gave him a long list he scribbled down, but when Doc mentioned strychnine Cody stopped scribbling. "Excuse me?" he asked, he must have heard wrong, wasn't strychnine a poison? "What'ya need strychnine for Doc?"

"To treat those poisoned with zincsalt," Doc Bannister informed him. Cody looked at the man who nodded confirmingly while filling his black leather case with equipment. Cody walked away to give the list to his men, bewildered at the good Doctor's request. But he was the only Doc they had available.


	13. Chapter 13

Buck walked slowly back to Walks-softly's teepee. He just couldn't stay in the teepee with Kid any longer, he was afraid to stay and witness the violent cramps again. He should be at his friend's side, he knew that, but he just couldn't find the strength to stay.

He stopped for a moment looking up to the sky, gathering his breath, trying to make up his mind about what to tell Emma. He had to ask Dawn how to break the news. How would he be able to look into that little girl's eyes and tell her that her Pa and her Ma were both sick? And Dawn, what was wrong with her? It seemed she had lost all hope, she barely spoke anymore. He would have wanted her to cry and relieve her pain. At least tell him how she felt. But every time he asked her, she looked away and hid behind the wall she had built around herself, not meeting with his eyes at all. He had to take her some place alone and have her spill all that anger, pain and anguish onto him and free her spirit. He was afraid she would not withstand if she didn't. If she at least could cry!

He stepped into the teepee and Dawn eyes turned to meet him. Smiling at her he sat down by her side, she looked better today and would probably be fine in a couple of days. The relief he felt made his heart pound.   
"You better cupcake?" he whispered into her ear.

"You should be resting Buck," she answered and kept stirring the kettle on the fire. "I'm making you all some tea to strengthen your health."

"We need to talk cupcake," Buck told her and drew her into his lap. Taking her attention away from the kettle.

"About what?" she asked casually, struggling slightly against his hold.

About what? Buck's eyes narrowed at her statement. About Ike and Blossom, about Kid and Emma. And about herself, what she had been going through the days and night he had not been there for her. She needed to share that sorrow and pain that never left her eyes, not even when she looked at him. And something else that Buck had never seen in them before. Something that emerged every time Kid was mentioned.   
"About everything love, about all that's happened!"

 

Dawn closed her eyes at Buck's words. He had found out she had wanted Kid dead instead of Ike. Maybe the Man of Dreams had told him? He must hate her now and despise her for her weakness. His troubled face as he walked in had already told her Kid was bad, but when she wanted to ask Buck bout him, the words got stuck in her throat. The tug at her heart was immediately replaced by her hate for him, he was making Buck worry too and he needed to be resting. He was still suffering from the beating he had endured, Dawn could tell by the way he walked. Why didn't he scream at her? He must be so angry. Him holding her made her guilt increase and with that her hatred.

"Dawn?" Buck repeated softly, "talk to me."

"Buck you need your rest, lie down for a while and I'll get you some tea and then I'll go get Blossom and Emma. They went down to the creek with Walks-softly. We'll talk later." Dawn hasted to tell him. Freeing herself, she hurried to make herself extremely busy with the kettle once again. Dread filled her body at the notion of Buck finding out her true nature, the nature she herself just had found out. The part of her that was not what she would call human.

"I wanted to take the girls to the creek," Buck protested, he had told Dawn he would take the girls, why had she let Walks-softly take them?

Dawn could not tell him she had been afraid that the soul of the water would tell him she had left Kid there. Laughing at him as he pleaded for help. Now the Kid was coming between her and Buck too!

Buck sensed he would not get any answers from Dawn, she was so troubled over something. Why wasn't she talking to him, they used to share everything. What was happening? "Dawn, we need to tell Emma about her father."

Dawn turned to him, the need to tell him it was all her fault, her doing, was nearing the surface. Threatening to take over her. But the look on Buck's tired face made her realize he should not have to carry her burden. What she had done was her fault and nobody elses, she would have to repay her own actions. It would be wrong to lay them on Buck.   
"I need to get more herbs," she said in a thick voice and stepped out of the teepee.

Buck was left speechless, his eyes following her out, his mind racing with the changes in her.

 

 _Lou was walking in a roaring water. She was looking for Emma and Kid. She felt like she had been walking for hours and there was nothing but this endless water around her. The sound of the water made her head hurt, it roared and it screamed. Wondering what kind of water it was she wriggled her toes, it did not feel wet at all. But it looked dangerous and she knew Emma and Kid were out there somewhere and she had to find them._

 _Turning her eyes back to the horizon she saw a silhouette of a man.  
"Kid!" she hollered and started running. It took all her strength but she kept running, Kid did not turn but she knew it was him. But he was so far away! Coming closer she saw Emma's head resting on Kid's shoulder and Noah's little hand rested safely on his arm._

 _Lou started to laugh in delight, she had found them! She laid her hand on his back and he turned. In horror she stepped back. The man holding Emma and Noah looked at her and smiled._

 _She took another step back as the man said "Louise". He said it like she was his. She recoiled in horror, the man holding her children was not Kid, it was Doc Bannister._

 

She woke covered with cold sweat. Her body was heavy as if she had been drugged. She could not move her limbs and she felt it was not the fever causing it. Lying back, she noticed the wagon was still. Did that mean they were having a break or had they reached the reservation? She had no force to sit up and find out. What was going on with her, the fever had not bothered her this much just a couple of hours ago. It was nothing like last time she had the flu. Why did Doc Bannister keep insisting she'd take the medicine he kept administering to her?

Something was wrong, so very wrong.

She stirred as she heard somebody climb into the wagon. Tilting her head she noticed the Doc approach. He was smiling.

"Well Louise, you're awake. Just in time for your medication. Hold on and I'll give you some more. You'll be fine in a couple of days."

"No! I don't want that medicine of yours," Lou protested in a hoarse voice.

"Doctor's orders," the man told her. "You wanna be fine when your daughter comes, don't you?"

"Where's Emma?" At the mention of her daughter, Lou struggled to get up in a sitting position but her limbs would not obey her. She growled in frustration.

"She'll come visit you tomorrow if you just stop talking and take this medicine. She is fine."

"I need to see her now! And Kid too!"

"Shhh," Doc Bannister told her and stuck a needle into her arm. Lou was too weak to protest. In horror she watched the Doc as her muscles grew even more limp and darkness crept up on her. She moved her lips to speak, but nothing came out.

 

Doc Bannister watched the woman tenderly. "Louise, you'll have to sleep a couple more hours, then I'll help you find your daughter." He stroke her hair as her eyes fell shut. He kept telling himself he did it for Louise, but deep inside he knew he was doing it partly for himself too. That husband of her might just die and then she would turn to him for comfort. And he would comfort her with all his heart. He loved her so much. Smiling at the sleeping woman, he promised her she would be just fine. If that husband of her's did not make it, he would care for her and her children. He tried to keep his thoughts away from the man he just had visited. He had expected an old man but the husband was young and had probably been strong while he was well. Now he was probably dying. The best thing for Louise was not to see her husband. If he died she would have nobody and would have to turn to him. And more than likely the husband would die, the combination of flu and poisoning did not promise good. But Doc Bannister would not grieve if he did not make it. He would help Louise get over her sorrow instead and it would not take her long to do so.

 

Lou woke from her dreamless blackness and stared into another. Her limbs felt heavy and she had to collect herself not to scream out in anger. Feeling her own brow, she sighed in relief, her fever was down. The Doc had been lying to her, she was not as sick as he had been telling her. Why would he do a thing like this to her? What was this man all about? She stiffened when she heard somebody climb into the wagon, she sensed it was Doc. Closing her eyes she pretended she was still asleep. The man came to her bedroll and she wanted to scream, if he drugged her again she would kill him. But he felt her brow and stroke her hair, Lou felt her skin form goosebumps of disgust. Keeping absolutely still, she listened to the man laying himself down on the blankets not far from her, Lou wanted to throw up at the thought of him close by.   
She had to find Kid and Emma.

She laid there for what seemed like hours, hours of mind-racking anguish. Hours of fear for what had happened to her loved ones. Waiting for the man to fall asleep, she noticed her limbs getting lighter and her head clearer. She decided to make a move. Turning to her side slowly, like if she was still sleeping, she awaited some reaction from the Doc. But he must finally have fallen asleep, she held her breath waiting. No, he did not move, this was her cue.

With limbs shrieking of pain, she crawled to the end of the wagon to get out. A soldier met her as her feet touched ground. He watched her and started to say something.

"Nature's call," Lou hissed at him and made her way past him. The darned Doc had her under surveillance. The soldier followed her. "Goddammit, would you leave me alone? I'll be back." she lied.

"Doc told me not to let you out of my sight," the young man stammered.

"Soldier, I am not a prisoner, you have no cause to watch me."

"But..."

"Shut up!" Lou let out harshly and made her way on wobbling knees.

The soldier remain staring after her. But he dared not follow, something in the woman's eyes told him he would regret it if he did. He'd rather take Doc's wrath than hers.

 

Lou exhaled in relief as the soldier did not follow her. When she was out of sight, she had to sit down for a while, she felt so weak. Her head was throbbing and her legs almost gave in. But her eyes were fixed on the fire in the middle of the camp. She rose again and gritted her teeth. Nothing would stop her now!

 

Buck stirred in his sleep, somebody was peeking into the teepee. He raised his head to see who it was, maybe it was Proud Eagle coming with bad news?

"Buck?" A voice rang out and somebody flung into the teepee.

"Lou?" But Lou had already seen Emma snoring rolled into a blanket. Her eyes welled with tears and she lifted her daughter into her lap.   
"Emma, sweetheart, Ma's own greenpea, come here!"

Emma opened two sleepy eyes and looked at her. "Ma?"

"Oh yes, sweetpea," Lou mumbled between tears and laugh. "Ma's here and everything will be alright!"

Emma clung to her like she was drowning, her little hands formed into fists around the front of Lou's shirt. Lou rocked her and tears ran down her face. She mumbled soothingly to her daughter while her heart sang of joy for finally having her in her arms. Emma trembled and sobbed in her lap and Lou stroke her hair, rocking her and soothing her. She would never let her out of her sight again. Never in her whole life.

 

Buck watched the reunion with tears in his eyes. Dawn turned her face to the pair and clutched Blossom tighter. In silence they witnessed the embracing pair in front of them. Lou's eyes shone of tears as her daughter enfolded her arms around her Ma's neck. They heard Lou mumbling soothingly into Emma's hair and tell her over and over again that everything would be alright. Buck had a thousand questions to ask but he could not interrupt them. With teary eyes he turned to Dawn, she was looking at the pair with sadness in hers. The sadness that never left those green stars that used to be so full of life and joy. He had not seen even a twinkle of it since he arrived here. Tears rolled down Buck's cheeks at the sight of Dawn's hurting soul.

 

"We have to find Pa!" Emma mumbled half asleep, exhausted by the emotional whirlwinds she was going through. Bewildered Lou kissed her daughter's brow and promised her she would find him. Emma's eyes closed and she fell back asleep, her hands still clutched to Lou's shirt. Lou watched her daughter and buried Emma's head under her chin. Lou finally turned her gaze to Buck and Dawn. Raising her eyebrow in a sign that she wanted them to tell her what was going on.

They both sat silently looking at her. Lou let her eyes wander around the teepee, Ike was not there! "Ike?" she whispered hoarsely.

Dawn looked to the ground and Buck visibly flinched at her words.

"Oh God!" Lou exhaled and clutched Emma closer. Remembering Buck's dream she shivered in fear. If Buck's dream had proved right, maybe hers was true too? Her mouth got dry and she feared to ask about the only other person missing. "Kid?" she finally got out, her voice cracking. If they told her Kid was dead too she would have to scream, she knew that. A scream was already working itself up her throat.

Buck sensed her despair and shook his head. "He's in Proud Eagle's teepee," he whispered in a thick voice.

"Take me to him!" Lou demanded.


	14. Chapter 14

_Kid damned the water around his feet, the strength it took out of him was making his body ache. He had been walking through these dark waters for ages, looking for Lou, but she was nowhere to be found. He had lost Buck and Cody somewhere too. It was cold and damp around here and Kid knew Lou would not make it if he did not find her soon. And Emma and Noah, where were they all?_

 _Suddenly Ike was in his arms and convulsed in feverish cramps._

 _"No!" he screamed and clutched the child closer. Fear ran through his body as he looked around for help. Ike would die in his arms and there was nobody to help them. All he saw was dark clouds hovering at the horizon as he continued his endless walk. He stopped his stride, he had lost Ike from his arms. He had lost the child into the pitch dark water. His heart beat like a drum. The roaring sound was driving him insane, it mingled with Ike's cries. He felt like throwing up as he looked into the water around his feet, Ike was somewhere around and he was not able to help him. The desperation made his heartbeat slow until it missed a beat and to then speed up again, threatening to jump up his throat. He stiffened and stopped to listen, he thought he had heard Lou call out for him. He concentrated on listening into the darkness. He knew she was out there somewhere but he could not find neither her nor Ike. He couldn't find anybody._

 _A breeze of cold air hit his face and with it the sound of Lou's voice calling out his name. He turned towards the voice but saw nothing. It sounded so close but he could not see her anywhere!_

 _He moved uneasy; he needed to see her, he needed to know she was alright. Lou kept calling out to him, sounding distressed as Ike rode past him on a black huge horse. He tried to run after him but Ike was riding too fast. Kid groaned, all was happening so fast he could not keep track of everybody any longer. They all kept slipping through his fingers like the water he was surrounded with, he needed something to hold on to._

"Oh Kid, please. Open your eyes!"

 _Her voice was in his ear now, but he did not understand what she was talking about, his eyes were wide open! He felt her hand on his face and he moved his face to where her voice came from. The light hurt his eyes but the sight of her made his heart leap strangely, it felt like it was jumping out of his chest again. Her face was in a fog, she was crying and he hated to see her tears. "Lou!" he cracked while tears ran freely down his cheek. She looked so sad, he wanted to ask her what had happened to her? Where she had been while he wandered around looking for her? Was she hurt? Had something happened to the children? A billion questions ran trough his mind all at once mingled with the need to tell her about what he'd let happen to Ike._

Lou stroke his hair and told him everything would be alright.

Needing to touch her, he searched for her hand in the fog and when he felt it clutched into his he smiled. He had found her, his search was over. Lou bent down to kiss his lips and the roar in his head disappeared. "I love you," he whispered before the darkness swept him in again.

Lou placed her hand over his heart. It jumped strangely under her palm. Lou's mind went blank. He had been ill before, shot and injured but never like this. She sensed he was dying, his eyes told her that. They were void as if his soul had already left and was on its way somewhere else, somewhere she could not follow now.

"Kid honey," she mumbled to his erratic heartbeat, "it'll be alright, I'll make you better, just hold on. There's this Doc and he'll know what to do. Don't you worry sweetheart, you'll be fine."

She laid her head on his ribcage and felt his racing heart against her ear. Then it slowed down and was hardly beating at all. Lou felt like throwing up. She was lying to him and she wished that would not be the last thing she did or Kid. Kid deserved the truth. Clasping his hand into hers, she fought to stifle her tears. She didn't know if he could hear her or not. But she needed to let him know, she needed to her herself say it, to install the knowledge in him before he was gone if he had to leave her. She needed him to know.

Sobbing she stroke his arm and chest; "Don't leave me all alone in this world Kid, I love you too much to let that happen. Kid, I can't stand it if you die on me. Kid, please don't."

There was no other answer than the frantic heartbeat. Lou knew, he was fighting for his life and it seemed he was losing and there was nothing she could do. Except hold his hand these last precious moments. "I'm here," she whispered to him, letting her lips brace his forehead while her tears wet his cheeks. "I'm here with you sweetheart." At least Kid would not die alone, she would watch over him until his last breath.

 

 

Buck had to walk out as Kid declared his love for Lou. Her sobs as she leaned her head on his chest dimmed Buck's sight and he stumbled out. He was relieved Kid had still been alive when they reached him, he had the opportunity to tell Lou he loved her and Lou had heard him say it. Maybe it would be easier to let him go having heard him tell her that.

It was a damp and cold morning and Buck lifted his eyes from the ground to make his way back to Dawn. He had to blink twice at the sight he encountered. Jimmy, Tessa and an unknown man came running toward him. Teaspoon behind them. He shook his head to clear it, he was probably going out of his mind.

Tessa rushed to him and threw her arms around him. "Buck, how are you? God, I've been so worried. Rachel told me all and I could not wait to get here to see you. I'm so sorry, Dawn told me about Ike, I wish I was here earlier to help you all!"

Lou's little sister had grown into a young woman, a nurse. She held on to him and Buck had troubles understanding anything at all. His eyes wandered to Jimmy. What was he doing here?

Teaspoon stepped up besides him. "Tessa, I think Buck needs to sit down, he looks ready to faint. Have you been takin' that medicine, son?"

Buck nodded, unable to utter a word. To many questions were trying to get out of his mouth at the same time.

Theresa let go of him and looked him straight into the eyes. "Buck? You alright?"

He just nodded but had to sit down. He was still out of words. Tessa knelt besides him. "Buck, where is Kid and Lou? I have a doctor here that can help them!"

Buck pointed to the teepee he had just left. Tessa rose and he watched her disappear with the young man she called a doctor. Teaspoon cast a concerned eye on him before he followed them inside. Buck turned his eyes in Jimmy's direction to get his explanation.

"Her fiancé" Jimmy smiled.

"Huh?" Buck coughed.

"I met them in Sweetwater as I rode in. His name is Timothy Henderson, Tim for short, and he obviously is her beau. She met him at the hospital she was working in. A year ago. The darned little thing hasn't even told Lou! Ain't that something," Jimmy chuckled.

Teaspoon came out of the teepee calling for Jimmy; "We need your help to get Lou outta here."

Jimmy rose as Tessa dragged a struggling Lou out of the teepee.

"I need to be with him, Tessa you can't do this to me!"

"Sis, we need the room, give us some hours and let us help him. You need some rest too, dammit."

"Just let me hold his hand, I'll stay out of the way!"

"You're gonna hit me when you see what we're doing to him, I know you Lou, you're dangerous when it comes to protecting loved ones. It's not safe to have one of you around when the other is hurting, don't you think I've learned that by now?"

"No!" Lou squealed when Jimmy took her into his arms.

"Shh Lou, it's me, everything will be alright."

Lou turned and looked bewildered at him.  
"Jimmy?" she panted and he had to lift her into his lap as her knees gave in. "What....who...when?" she stammered.

Jimmy turned to Teaspoon and made a sign for him to help Buck. "We need to get this sorry pair to shelter," he stated and started walking to the teepee where they had left his nieces and Dawn. "I'll tell you everything as soon as we get inside," he told the wriggling Lou in his lap.

 

They sat in silence, waiting for somebody to bring them news about the Kid. It had been hours and after forcing some food into Lou, she had finally fallen into a feverish sleep. Buck kept his eyes on her and so did Jimmy. She had put on a brave face in front of her daughter, not wanting her to worry too. But while telling Emma her father was going to be fine, Buck noticed her voice tremble.

Dawn had finally taken Emma and Blossom to the creek to wash up. Buck was grateful that Dawn had read his thoughts, the girls needed a diversion. Emma was getting worried as her mother fell asleep, totally exhausted.

Jimmy and Buck sat on watch over her when Cody stuck his head into the teepee. "Here you are!" he hollered before none of them had the time to hush him.

"Aw Cody," Jimmy complained, "we just got her to sleep. She's been fighting us to get to Kid. Don't make her wake up and start all over again, I can't take anymore of it!"

"I just had my ears full of Doc for losing her. Don't you start on me too, Jimmy." Cody sighed as he seated himself by the fire. "I've been tending to more sick people today than I've ever seen in my entire life before. Doc Bannister sure has us all working."

"Doc Bannister?" Buck asked, the events had his head whirling.

"I think the good Doc's fallen head over heels over Louise," Cody chuckled. "He yelled at me for letting her go. I had to remind him who the sergeant was around here. He was furious. I did not have the heart to tell him he was on a lost cause."

"She told us yesterday she thought some Doc had kept her drugged," Buck ventured, "what kind of a man is your Doc?"

"Drugged?" Both Jimmy and Cody turned their eyes in his direction as he repeated the words. "Yep, that's what she said, she was furious about it. Said he had been lying to her, trying to make her believe she was sicker than she really was. Kept telling her she couldn't see Kid. Probably didn't realize that was the one thing he shouldn't have told her, right?"

Jimmy smiled at Buck's remark. Yep, that was the dumbest thing the Doc could have tried. Of course she'd raise hell to get to him if somebody told her not to.

Cody face had become oddly obscured. He fiddled nervously with a blanket at his side. Both Jimmy and Buck noticed the shift in Cody's mood.

"Cody, spill it!" Jimmy urged.

"Nothing probably, just seemed odd to me that's all." Cody mumbled and looked even more disturbed.

"Cody!" Buck grunted. What was he hiding? There was obviously something Cody hesitated to tell them, hell after what they had gone trough they could take anything by now. "Out with it!"

"Wel,l Doc told Theresa's beau he had tried everything else and that they'd have to resort to strychnine...."

"Strychnine?" Jimmy rose and hollered the word out loud. "You're letting them give him strychnine? That's lethal poison you goddamn bonehead!"

Cody flinched at Jimmy's bellowing; "But Doc said that was the only thing that would save him! Said the poison had his pulse running all over the place and they needed to stop the effects of the zinc before it stopped his heart."

"And you listen to a man that's probably in love with Lou? Can't you see what's happening?" Jimmy roared.

Buck noticed Lou's eyes widen in fear at Jimmy's loud hollers. The fool had woken her up, Buck sighed, they were going to have to fight her again.

"But Jimmy," Cody protested, "he's the Doc, maybe he knows what's best. Shouldn't we let ....."

"I ain't lettin' anybody give the Kid strychnine Cody!" Jimmy wheezed before he turned and walked out.

"Strychnine?" A trembling whisper reached them as they were left staring at the flapping hide covering the exit.

"Lou," Buck pleaded and reached for her.

She was out of the teepee so fast that Cody and Buck fell on each other in their effort to stop her. Cody's knee landed hard on Buck injured shoulder. He was left behind as Cody stumbled out muttering; "she is going to have me hung, I knew it!"

Buck cursed under his breath and stumbled out after Cody. He was afraid Jimmy was going to draw on the Doc and Lou would probably help him. Cody's fall on his shoulder forced Buck to take it slow, beams of pain radiated right down to his legs.

As he reached Proud Eagle's teepee, he had to hold his breath. Lou was standing with Jimmy's gun pointed at Doc Bannister, Jimmy right besides her, with his second gun drawn too. Cody was standing between the and the Doc and Buck could tell he did not know who to point his gun at. His pleads for them all to calm down went unheard.

"You gave him strychnine?" Lou hollered.

Buck was surprised of the amount of voice there was in the tiny woman.

"I'll kill you you damned useless idiot doctor!"

Her voice made Buck jump at every word. Buck heard her cock the gun in the same instance that Theresa stepped out of the teepee.   
"Lou, dammit!" she yelled.

"He's gonna kill Kid, Tessa. Don't listen to him, he wants Kid dead!"

Theresa looked at her sister like she just lost her mind. Everybody held their breath while she walked up to her enraged sibling. "Lou, put that gun down and I'll explain all to you."

"I tell you not to listen to him, dammit!" Lou growled with the gun trembling in her hand.

"Lou, Jimmy! Listen to me you damned fools, let Doc go! Tim needs him inside. Lou, if you love Kid you got to let Doc go now!"

Lou gave her sister a pleading look and Tessa took the gun from her hand. "Yours too Jimmy," she spoke softly, extending her hand in his direction.

Jimmy swallowed and holstered his gun. "What ever you say, Tessa."

She nodded at Bannister to get himself inside. The man stumbled backwards, scared out of his wits. Buck noticed his glances at Lou, they were a plea for understanding, and maybe, if Buck read them right, some guilt too. Doc opened his mouth to say something but Theresa's look stopped him and he turned to enter the teepee instead.

Enfolding her older sister in her arms Tessa forced Lou down to the ground. "Now, Louise, you're gonna listen to me. We tried everything, tannin, sodium bicarbonate and chalk. His pulse did not steady, his heart had a hard time keeping up."

"Are you telling me...?" Lou's voice was almost inaudible.

"No Lou, I told you to listen to me. We gave him strychnine and his pulse and heart are doing fine right now. We just need to get the fluids from his lung and Bannister has to help Tim."

"Fluids?" Jimmy cracked and had to sit down himself.

Tessa nodde., "He's been too weak to cough and his heartbeat hasn't been exactly regular. That's made one lung fill with fluid, Tim has to stick a needle into his perineum and let it all out."

Jimmy had to lay down at this statement.

"Jimmy?" Tessa threw him a concerned eye.

"I'm fine," he grunted. "I just don't think I need to hear more."

Lou instead was tugging at her shirtfront, "Tessa will he...?"

"Lou, we even got the fever down. Give us another hour and we will let you see him. I can't guarantee anything but I think he will be fine. He may not be able to father any more children after the treatment we put him through with the strychnine but I told Tim you wouldn't mind. I told him you'd have Kid any way you got him as long as you got him back. Was I right?"

Lou had sunken into her little sister's lap. "Oh God! Tessa, how will I ever be able to repay you?"

"Well... you can always pay for the wedding." Tessa laughed and rose to get back inside. "But first you have to let me get back in there and do my work and somebody please help Jimmy, he looks like he is going to be sick!"

Lou's eyes darted between Jimmy on the ground and Tessa's back. "Wedding? What is going on here?" Her question was directed at Jimmy.

"I think I'm gonna be sick" Jimmy groaned.


	15. Chapter 15

Dawn stopped dead in her tracks before the group outside Proud Eagle's teepee. Jimmy was lying on the ground and Lou sitting at his side, staring at the teepee. The rest were making their ways to them. Emma let go of her hand and ran to her mother. Blossom tried to make Dawn walk on. "Ma!"

Dawn stood like frozen to her place, something had happened, she could tell that. Her throat tightened up in fear. Blossom let go of her hand and ran to Buck, Dawn's eyes followed her and met with Buck's accusing gaze. That was all it look.

Dawn turned and ran away. Bumping into Softsong and almost making her fall, she ran blindly back to the creek.

 

Buck watched his wife's face go deadly pale and he hurried his steps picking up Blossom as he did so. Then Dawn ran away, looking scared, she stumbled back in the same direction she had come from. Buck's gaze followed her, what was going on? Why did she seemed so afraid of even her own shadow, this was not Dawn. Something was haunting her and she would not tell what. Softsong had lost her burden onto the ground and turned to run after Dawn. Buck was grateful somebody would stop her, he was not yet able to run fast.

Buck spotted Teaspoon standing at his side. He handed Blossom to him. "Sweetie, I have to go, stay with Grandpa for a while!"

Teaspoon took his burden and Buck steered his steps to the creek and Dawn.

 

Dawn ran on wobbling knees. She ran away from what had happened, what she had made happen. She ran away from her fears and her guilt, she ran away from herself. Falling to the ground, she slit her knee up and cursed. Somebody laid their arms around her. She shook herself free, nobody should touch her, she was a horrible person. A person who had been thinking thoughts that were too awful to speak out loud. Thoughts nobody should carry in their souls.

"Dawn!"

Softsong held her firmly to her place while Dawn struggled against her hold.   
"You should not be running yet. What are you running from?"

Dawn looked to the ground and Softsong took her into her lap. "Dawn," she mumbled soothingly. "Whatever it is you're running from, you should tell us. We cannot help you if we don't know."

 _And if you knew you would hate me,_ Dawn thought, _I know and I hate myself._ Softsong rocked her in her lap and Dawn wanted to cry. But she had not cried once since Ike's death. At the thought of Ike, her whole body stiffened and she shook her head to free it from the images of Ike's death that kept assaulting her. Images of that small body convulsing in pain. All alone without anybody to hold him or help him. She hated Kid for not letting her know, for letting Ike die alone. All the anger she had inside came back to her. It served him right if he died, he had let Ike die!

Buck knelt by their side and Dawn remembered his accusing eyes. Kid had turned Buck against her too! She freed herself from Softsong's hold and rose to walk away. Buck stopped her by placing himself right in her path.   
"Dawn, you have to tell me what's haunting you?"

His eyes searched for hers but she could not meet with his. Buck threw his arms around her and clutched her close. "Dawn, I can tell something is wrong and I need to know. Is it something about Ike? Something I did? Tell me, I can't see you like this. Your eyes have lost all their will of living and I need to help you find it." He held her close while she trembled in his arms. When she would not talk he cupped her face in his hand and forced her to look at him. "I need you to tell me!"

Her eyes were desolated and scared when he looked into them. His own brimmed over with tears. His wife was afraid of him. What had happened to her? Not able to look into her eyes any longer he made her rest her head on his shoulder.

"Better look at her knee Buck," Softsong told him before she turned and walked back into the village.

"You hurt Dawn?"

She shook her head against his shoulder.

"Let me see!"

"No!" she said and struggled herself free from his hold. "I have things to do," she mumbled and walked away from him.

 

Buck was left standing there. His eyes following Dawn. He did not know how to make her tell him her fears and that made him feel so helpless, so lost.

 

Dawn marched right over to Proud Eagle's teepee. She needed to see by herself what she had done. How much hurt she had caused with her thoughts. Jimmy was still lying on the ground, looking greenish and Lou and Emma were giving him water. Blossom was holding Uncle Jimmy's hand and comforting him.

Dawn stopped for just a minute to look at them. Lou seemed so composed. Looking down at Jimmy, she saw him smiling slightly as Blossom took a cloth and wiped his face. Without a word, Dawn turned to walk into the teepee.

 

 

Tessa was holding Kid to his side, Dawn couldn't see his face. Tessa's beau was cursing under his breath, saying that he had difficulties getting all out. Bannister handed Tim a scaringly long needle, telling him to try this. Dawn felt sick, what were they doing? Wasn't he dead already, why were they still probing him with needles? When Kid moved and let out a sound of agony, Dawn gulped for air.

Tessa turned to look at her. "Dawn," she smiled, "perfect timing, I need you to help me hold him still."

Dawn wanted to turn and run out of the teepee. Why did they ask her to help him since it was her fault he was here in the first place? If she touched him, he would surely die. Look what she had made him go through already!

"You don't need to look Dawn, if it makes you sick, just hold his shoulders still so I can help Tim."

Like in a haze, Dawn walked up to them. Sinking to her knees to firmly hold Kid's shoulders. Listening to the Docs' talking made her head spin.

"Need to find the bottom of the perineum....let's try laterally....Tessa how's the pulse? Can't keep this up long, too strained already, cyanotic, diaphoretic, sternum, mucos, hemorrage, pleura." All the word mingled into a sickening sensation of not having any control at all. She knew she would have to watch him die because of what she had done. And then she'd have to tell Lou and Emma! She clasped on to Kid and asked for forgiveness. It was too late, Ike was gone and she had not meant what she said. No, that was a lie, she had meant it at the time. Her head sank in shame, there was nothing to do, she had to live with the guilt and shame. She would not be forgiven, not even by herself. Her head started to spin and her knee ached and she hated Kid for what he put her through.

"Dawn, you can let go, we got it all out. He's breathing fine."

She let go of the Kid as if she had been scorched. She remain staring at him as they rolled him to his back. She hoped he would not open his eyes and look at her with Ike's suffering eyes. She wanted to run away from here but something stopped her.

Tim held Kid's pulse and Tessa was watching his face. Dawn tried to read their facial expressions.

"He's coming to!" Tessa spoke with amazement.

Dawn stared at her.

Kid moved uneasily and cracked his eyes open.

Dawn looked away.

"Push some more sodium into his vein!"

Dawn was afraid to look.

Kid coughed violently and wheezed. Tessa talked soothingly to him, telling him to take deep breaths. Dawn tried to get away from there. As she moved, her foot accidentally kicked the stretcher and Kid turned his pale face to her.   
"Dawn?"

It was only a feeble rasp but his word hit her like a fist in the chest. He was accusing her in front of everybody. He was pointing his finger at her. Dawn drew herself up to her feet to get out of there fast.   
"Blood," she heard Kid say. She looked bewildered at him, what was he talking about? He was pale and had bluish lips. His eyes half closed, he moved his lips to say something.

Dawn turned and crawled out, afraid to see the look in his eyes.

Tessa came right behind her. Stopping her. "Hold on Dawn, Kid's right, your knee's bleeding, I have to look at it!"

Dawn wriggled in her hold but she was too weakened to get loose.

Lou walked up to their side, her eyes burning holes in Dawn's. She felt like Lou was looking into the darkest corner of her being.

"Lou, take Emma and go see Kid. He's awake right now but he won't be for long!" Tessa told her sister while holding on to Dawn, making her sit down.

Lou made a sound.

"No Lou, it's just that he needs his sleep but the digitalis we gave him is keeping him awake. He'll sleep Lou, he won't die on you! Go on, go see him and tell Tim I need help!"

 

Lou stepped in holding her breath as Tim made his way out. Doc Bannister knelt by Kid's side. A rage filled Lou. "Take your hands off him," she growled and took two fast strides towards them. Emma had to run at her side.

Kid turned his face in her direction and Lou started shaking. Falling down on her knees at his side, she felt Emma's grip on her hand disappear.

"M'girl," Kid said weakly and tried to smile.

"Pa!" Emma squealed and climbed up on the stretcher.

"Yo'dirty." Kid slurred but Emma didn't see to mind her father's umbled slurs. She seemed to understand perfectly fine.

"You did not come to the creek and help me wash," Emma rebutted and laid her head on his chest, encircling the tiny arms around him. "Pa, I've missed you so bad."

"M'sorry," Kid said and laid his hand on Emma's head.

Lou's eyes filled with tears at the scene. Kid turned his face to her. "Lou?" he said and his voice cracked.

Lou fought the dizziness she felt looking at him. The blood on sheet besides him and the slight wheezing sound as he breathed did not help matters much. Normally she had no problems with blood but this was different, this was Kid's blood.

"Y'kay?" he continued hoarsely after a while. His eyes were still glazed but they were conscious, they were filled with the Kid, the bewildered gaze she'd seen before was gone. His eyes calmed her rattled nerves.

She leaned in to kiss his chin and Kid moved his head to make their lips meet. "Lov'ya," he breathed onto her lips.

"Me too," Lou's lips answered.

Kid smiled softly. She moved her lips away from his to get a better look. Kid's eyes were getting sleepy. But his eyes gazed into hers with concern. Lou just smiled, unable to speak. With eyes locked onto each other both drank the love filling the air around them.

"I'll just hold your hand till you fall asleep," she told him.

As their hands clutched onto each others and their fingers entwined, Kid smiled. "Don' le' go."

"Not as long as I breathe," Lou smiled back at him as his eyes drifted shut.

 

 

Doc Bannister watched the scene and knew Louise would never be his. Even if the man she loved would have died, she wouldn't have ever been his. These two held each others hearst in a tight grip and he wondered if even death would loosen it? As Kid fell asleep, he stepped up closer to them.   
"I'm sorry Mrs. McCloud," he said, expressing his respect for their union for the first time.

Lou looked back at him. There was anger in her eyes as they met with his. "You would have let him die, wouldn't you?" she confirmed more than asked.

Doc Bannister shook his head in despair, what was she thinking? That had never crossed his mind. He would not have done so, or would he?   
"I don't think so," he stated, not quite sure of himself but knowing the woman in front of him wanted the truth and nothing else. And after what she had gone trough to get to her husband she deserved the truth.

"You would have," Lou said calmly and turned her eyes back to Kid.

Emma had fallen asleep on her father's chest, tears in the corner of her eyes. Kid's hand still on her head. Lou carefully removed Emma from his hold. The girl curled up besides her mother, the thumb still stuck in her mouth. The other hand hanging on to the blanket covering her father.

Doc Bannister blushed in shame. The thought had been there, he knew that. But the Hippocratic oath had stopped him. He cleared his throat.   
"Mrs. McCloud, you both need some rest, go get some sleep and I'll send word for you when he wakes up again." Hesitating he held a filled syringe up in the air; "I need go give him this!"

"I will not leave him alone with you!" Lou spoke harshly. "And what is it you're giving' him? Haven't you tortured him enough already?"

Kid moved uneasy and Lou clasped his hand harder in hers.

"I will not hurt him," Doc Bannister assured her.

"I don't trust you! And I will not let go of his hand, I promised him."

"I still have to give him this, he will need it when the digitalis wears out."

"You know what will happen to you if you hurt him, don't you?" Lou asked with her eyes locked on Bannister's.

Doc nodded, he would be a dead man, Louise would not hesitate for a moment.

 

Lou glared at the nodding man. Hoping he was fully aware of what his actions would cause in case he decided to do something that would hurt Kid, she told him to do what was needed. But she never took her eyes off him as he inserted the needle into Kid's vein.

Lou looked sick and swallowed hard as he drew blood into the syringe to secure himself he was in the vein. He stopped to look at her, afraid she'd faint. Bannister knew she was still running a fever and the emotional drain was not doing her any good. She desperately needed some rest.

Noticing him look she buried her eyes into his and told him to concentrate on what he was doing.

Doc sensed the threat in the voice. He pushed the medication in, he was careful not to let Louise see the blood when he extracted the syringe.   
"He will sleep for hours, maybe days. You should get some rest yourself, you still have a fever."

"Get out and leave us alone," Lou's voice was thick as she rested her head on Kid's chest, rejoicing in the now familiar beat.

Doc Bannister sighed and went to find another stretcher for Louise and her daughter. He turned to watch her one last time. Her beauty was as breathtaking as her spirit was. But she belonged, heart and soul, to another man. Doc Bannister wondered if the man knew how lucky he was?

 

Dawn angrily swatted Tessa's hand away from her knee. "I'm fine, I have to go find Blossom!"

"Blossom's with Teaspoon, and you need this wound stitched," Tessa's said angrily, "what's a matter with you?" Looking up to Dawn's pale face, she immediately regretted her words. Dawn had been trough hell, she needed understanding, not anger. "I'm sorry Dawn, I'm just getting tired. I didn't mean it."

"Get some rest," Dawn muttered and withdrew right into Buck arms that cliched her and stopped her from moving away. "Buck," she protested.

He answered by clutching her closer. "Do what needs to be done!" he told Tessa. Feeling sick at the sight of the bloody, dirty knee. He enfolded her with his legs and kept her still. "Just don't hurt her!" he pleaded.

 

Dawn shivered at his words, he would not say that if he knew what she had done. Tessa probed her with a needle. Jimmy appeared at their side and groaned as he saw her knee, Dawn watched him lie down again and put his arm over his eyes. Tessa poured something burning on her knee and Dawn winced in pain. Buck mumbled into her ear and hid his face against her shoulder. Then she felt something pierce through the skin. Tessa was holding her hand and talking soothingly. Tim was threading a needle trough her skin. She stared fascinated at her own knee. The pain shot through her body but she welcomed it. This physical pain was so much easier to withstand than the darkness in her soul was. It was almost a relief.

She stared at her knee and the needle running through her skin. Tim tied a knot and looked at her. "It's gonna take a lot of stitches, I'm sorry."

She smiled at him. "I'm fine."

But her vision had started to blur. She blinked and tried to seat herself up to get a better look. Buck pulled her closer and Dawn fainted into his arms.

Tessa saw her face go whiter and went for her pulse. It was steady but fast. "I'm sorry Buck, the medicine didn't have not time to act and we needed to stop the bleeding."

"I know," Buck said, still not able to look at Dawn's knee. He'd probably faint himself if he did. "Tessa, something's wrong with her and she won't talk about it. I don't know what to do anymore!"

"I know Buck, I've seen it too. But I don't know how to help. Maybe she just needs time. She's been trough a lot. The shock is still in her body. She needs rest. That's all I can tell you, Buck."

Buck held on to his wife's tiny body. What if she never got life back into her eyes?


	16. Chapter 16

Daniel Burgh glanced at the sky, thankful for the darkness that hid his men's work from the rest of the reservation, most of which were recovering with the help of those damned doctors Lieutenant Cody had brought with him.   
There was the sound of something falling followed by several men's string of curses which forced Burgh's attention back to the work at hand.

"Goddammit! I told you men to be quiet about it," he hissed. "If any of those soldiers or their white friends wake up we're all facing some serious charges. And I'm sure as hell taking you all with me if I get caught. Now get that barrel on the wagon and hurry up about it!"

All they had to do was remove the barrel, making sure to cover any traces they'd ever been there and they were home free. Burgh knew the government didn't love the Indians enough to try him for their deaths alone. But that friend of Cody's and his family had shown up and fallen victim to not only the influenza but also the zincsalts in the water. If any of them died as a result of his pet project, that was a whole different story.

 

 

Tessa groaned, rubbing the back of her stiff neck as she walked toward the stream that supplied the reservation's drinking water. It had been a long couple of days. She, Tim, and Doctor Bannister had been working feverishly to tend to the rest of the influenza and poison victims. Thank God her own family was finally on the road to recovery. If they could only keep Kid in bed, she thought with a smile. Damn if he wasn't the most stubborn patient she'd ever seen. He and Lou certainly deserved each other. If Louise wasn't up worrying about Kid, it was the other way around. Why is it that men always revert to being children when they're ill, she thought wearily. This was the first chance she'd had to get away from it all for a few moments. Tim had practically chased her out of the teepee.

She heard a crash and what sounded like men's voices ahead. Looking closely, she could see dim lantern light peeking through the trees. Curious but wary, she clutched the pistol she carried in the pocket of her apron, thankful not for the first time that Louise had insisted she know how to defend herself. Tim insisted she carry the pistol with her whenever she was alone. She glanced back toward the heart of the reservation and wondered if she were close enough to be heard if she should need to shout for help before slowly proceeding through the trees.

What the hell? Theresa thought, crouching down behind a large tree outside the circle cast by the lantern. In the light, she could see four men, three of them lifting a large barrel while the fourth watched them impatiently. This must be the barrel Kid was mumbling about in his sleep. She realized horrified that these must be the same men who'd poisoned the water to begin with--the same men who'd poisoned her family and the rest of the village. The whole village could have been wiped out and her family with it. The rising tide of anger within her emboldened her and Theresa McCloud stood and walked into the light, holding the pistol steadily at them.

"Just what the hell do you think you're doing?" she yelled.

Daniel Burgh turned around to face a very angry woman holding him and his men a gunpoint. It's just that doctor's woman, he thought calmly. He looked at her calmly, unafraid of the wrath in her hazel eyes.

"As you can see, my dear, we're cleaning up," he replied. "Dr. Daniel Burgh, at your service." He could sense his men's initial nervousness at being held at gunpoint lessening in the face of their leader's calmness.

"You're the Indian agent, aren't you?" Tessa asked. At his nod, her eyes widened in shocked horror. "How could you? It's your job to protect these people and you knowingly expose them to influenza. Then you poison their only source of water? What kind of man are you? Innocent women and children drank that water. An innocent child died from that disease you so carelessly introduced to them. Have you forgotten the oath you took?"

Burgh merely smiled.

"I am a man hired to do a job. The government appointed me Indian agent because I told them I could cut their costs. What better way to cut spending than by eliminating the source of the expenditure?" He gestured toward the village. "Don't be so naive, girl. Do you truly believe that your government would care about a bunch of primitive savages. The Indians were put onto these reservations so that good Christians like you and me can come out west and plant our dreams. Makes it easier to wipe them out when they're all in one place like this, don't you think?" he said, his voice rising slightly as he took one step toward her.

The silence was shattered by the audible click of the pistol's hammer. Theresa kept her finger upon the trigger and tried to keep herself from pulling it. She felt slightly satisfied as Burgh's eyes widened slightly.

"Don't underestimate me, doctor--and I use that title very loosely. My sister is an excellent shot and she's taught me well," she growled. Dimly she was thankful that she'd declined Jimmy's offer to walk with her. She knew that if he'd been there, the wretch before her and his followers would undoubtedly have been felled long before now. "What have these people ever done to you?"

"What have they done to me? What have they done to me?" Burgh asked his voice rising to hysterical proportions. Even his men standing near the fallen barrel looked intimidated in the face of the man's vehemence. "They stole my life. I am the last of my family--the last! Six years, two months, and three days ago, Indians massacred my entire family. EVERY LAST ONE OF THEM!" he screamed. "My parents, my brother and sisters and their families, my wife and unborn child, even my little girl--each of them slaughtered by a band of goddammed, drunken whore-sons with red skin! My mother, sisters, and wife were all raped in front of the others including their children before they were killed. The men were tortured, each of their protruding limbs was cut off before they were finally left to bleed to death. The children..., oh, God the children!" he sobbed, his face red from the effort of his passion, several veins in his forehead, as well as the cords of his neck, stood out.

Tessa gulped hard, struggling to contain the tears in her own eyes. Yes, she felt horrible that this man had suffered so much. But killing innocent people in retaliation was not going to bring his family back.

"Do you even know what tribe it was?" she asked softly, the gun shaking slightly in her hand. "Those Indians could have been renegades or...."

"I DON'T CARE WHAT TRIBE IT WAS!" Burgh roared. "It doesn't matter. As far as I'm concerned, I'd be happy to send them all to hell personally. That is why I took the job I was offered." He slumped slightly, whatever impassioned spirit that had possessed him now having left its host. Burgh's dark haunted eyes turned to Tessa. "What about you, baby girl? Will you kill innocent men?" He gestured behind him toward his men. "Those men have wives and children waiting at home--people who love them and will miss them. They were merely following orders. We can't stand here like this forever. You must decide, my dear--kill us or let us go."

The three soldiers behind him remain silent throughout Tessa's internal war. They were merely following orders. How many veterans had told her that? We didn't mean to rape and pillage and kill our fellow men; we were merely following orders. But where was the line between following orders and being responsible for your own actions? Those soldiers had a duty to God even before country and the commandment said, "Thou shalt not kill." It was different than defending one's home and family, this was the murder of innocents--the murder of little Ike Cross. Tessa knew she could never take another life, even before she'd taken the oath at nursing school.

"Go," she whispered tersely, gritting her teeth painfully and gesturing to the forest with the pistol. "Now, before I change my mind and call the others to make sure you hang. Get out of my sight and don't stop until you've left the territory because, if you're still around in twenty minutes when someone comes looking for me, your lives won't be worth the dirt you're standing on. You'd best pray to God that I can convince my family not to hunt you down for what you've done, Daniel Burgh. A little boy, merely a baby like your unborn child, died because of you. His name was Ike Cross. Add his tiny screams to the ones you hear in your head and may they haunt you forever!" she screamed.

As Burgh and his men hurriedly disappeared into the night, Tessa collapsed to her knees sobbing loudly.

"Theresa!"

She spun around in the moonlight to see someone rushing toward her, gun in hand.

"Jimmy?"

Jimmy slid to a stop on his knees beside her and wrapped his free arm around her shoulders, but not before he looked around to assure himself they weren't in danger. He was reminded of her older sister as she turned in his arms and buried her face in his chest, sobbing into his shirt. How many times during his life had he held Lou like this? Guess it runs in the family, he thought wryly.

"Shh, sweetheart," he soothed stroking her hair gently. "What happened, Tessa, huh? You can tell me."

Unable to hold back, Tessa sobbed out the whole story on his shoulder.

"And I let him go Jimmy! I let Ike's murderer go 'cause I couldn't shoot him," she cried brokenly.

Jimmy himself wanted nothing more than to go after the bastard that could do this to so many innocent people and...but Tessa was right. It wouldn't bring Ike or the others back and now the rest of the reservation was recovering including his family. Instead, he rocked the young woman in his arms as her tears slowly subsided.

"You did the right thing, honey. This is gonna be our secret, okay? Far as anyone knows, he got away, that's all. You know as well as I do that all hell would break loose if anyone else knew," he said softly. He carefully helped her to her feet keeping a firm grip on her as she stood.

"We'll take it slow going back."

Tessa looked up at him and smiled through her tears.

"Thanks, Jimmy," she said simply. She didn't know what else to say. He didn't blame her for anything even though she knew he wanted to go look for Burgh. Instead he'd stayed to comfort her. Good thing she didn't tell Jimmy which direction the doctor and his men were headed.

"I can see why Louise and Kid love you so much."

"Well, that's only 'cause I got all the dirt on them. I told 'em,'Tick me off, and I reveal all your dirty little secrets including the ones not meant for young ears.'"

That's our Jimmy, Tessa thought laughing. Never could stay serious for long.


	17. Chapter 17

Dawn woke with a startle. She was no longer in Softsong's teepee, she was somewhere else but did not know where. Buck slept at her side, holding her. She could not believe his continued attachment to her. It was not right, she was an outcast, a bad person. Someone that should not live among the others. She should be extinguished from this earth.

Her knee was aching and she had to move to find a more comfortable position. Buck mumbled as she did. Feeling bad for disturbing him in his sleep, she moved away from him. As she did, she let out a moan of pain.

"Dawn?"

Kid's voice petrified her. Turning her eyes, she saw him on the other side of the small fire. Watching her. Dawn cringed under his stare. He had no right to look at her like that, she had the right to hate him. He had let Ike die all alone. Hadn't he?

"You okay, Dawn?" he asked, making Lou move at his side.

Why did it feel like he hit her every time he spoke to her? Why did it bring her all this pain?

"Hang on Dawn, I'll get the Doc," he whispered and started to get up.

Him helping her was too much, she needed no help from him. With a sob she started crawling outside. Waking up Buck in her efforts. Buck moaned and crawled behind her. "Where are you going Dawn?"

"Buck, I think she feels sick," Kid said as he tried to get himself off the stretcher. Lou moved uneasily.

Dawn felt Buck on top of her, forcing her to the ground. "Dawn, where are you going, it's the middle of the night!" he whispered hoarsely.

"Need to get out," she panted.

"Kid stay where you are," Buck warned his friend.

Lou moaned and moved and Kid turned to her. Lou hadn't slept one night in peace yet and she was exhausted. Her exhaustion brought back her fever. Her condition made Kid's worse and Doc Bannister had been mad at him for worrying. Buck sighed, the good Doc did not know the pair. Kid tossing and turning in his sleep, mumbling incoherently in repeating nightmares made them all weary to the bone. Dawn had slept though, filled with medication for her pain and Buck had sat besides her, grateful that Teaspoon and Softsong had taken care of the girls for the most part. Studying her while she slept, he had seen the old Dawn, peaceful and calm. His weariness and desperation lessening at the sight of her peace.

But as soon as she woke, the terror assaulted her.

"Need to get out!" she whimpered in his arms.

"I'll help you honey, you can't walk on that leg yet." With a grunt Dawn pulled herself towards the opening. Buck was afraid to hurt her further so he let go. Kid's and his eyes met and Buck understood Kid had seen it too. Dawn fled from him. Buck noticed the bewilderment in Kid's eyes, he did not understand either. Buck sighed and followed Dawn out. She had fallen to a heap outside the teepee. Buck decided it was time to ask her straight out. "What has Kid done to you?"

Dawn flinched at his words.

"Tell me Dawn," Buck insisted. Turning her around to lay in his lap, he waited for her to tell him. She was shivering from the cold and Buck knew he had to get her inside. Her eyes were wild. He stroke her hair and she looked away.

"Nothing," she said in a toneless voice and the clouds dimmed her eyes again. Buck felt like he had lost his wife and was holding a stranger.

 

 

"Lou!"

The voice in her ear made her crack her eyes open at once. "Need help Kid?" she said before her eyes were even open.

Kid chuckled. "No Lou, I need you to wake up so I can get some food into you!"

Lou looked at Kid's face hovering over her, asking her how she was doing. Something was wrong with this picture. Why was she lying on the floor and Kid hovered over her? It should be the other way around, shouldn't it?   
"What are you doin'?" she moaned.

"Trying to wake you up!" he smiled at her, "you've been asleep for three days, it's time to go home."

Lou stared speechless at him. This was the man that had kept her up with his ramblings during the past nights. Lou had watched him turn and toss on the stretcher mumbling incoherently. Occasionally she had been able to make out that in his delirious state he obviously was looking for Ike. His unease and the way he broke out in cold sweat, calling out Ike's name made Lou clutch on to his hand, trying to calm him down. Talking him through the night. And now he was telling her she had been asleep for three days. Well no wonder since he kept her up during the nights!   
"Kid, why do you keep having nightmare's and scream for Ike in your sleep?"

Kid's smile died out. "What are you talkin' about? You must have been delirious, sweetheart, the only one I've been screaming for is you!"

Lou noticed he was avoiding her question. "Kid, what happened?"

Kid's fingers that had been tousled into her hair disappeared, Lou extended a hand to catch him. He looked away for a brief moment and Lou knew he would not tell. His eyes had grown darker, Lou knew she should not push him, not right now. But she also knew he was hurting, hiding it from her.   
"Has your nightmares something to do with Ike?" she asked, knowing she probably stepped over the line.

From the expression in his eyes she knew she was right. Kid tried to move away from her but her hand on him stopped him. Throwing her arms around his neck, she pulled him close to her. "It's alright Kid, you don't have to tell me now!"

"There's nothin' to tell, Lou." Kid spoke, his voice muffled by her arms around his neck. "I don't remember much of it, I'm sorry!" But he could not hide the slight shiver that ran through him.

"It's alright Kid," Lou mumbled into his hair, "just hold me!"

He leaned in to give her a kiss. "Why didn't you tell me you had a fever?" he scolded her softly.

Lou had to laugh. "Tell me Kid, what would you have done?"

"Something," he mumbled and leaned in to kiss her again.

"You're such a fool," Lou chuckled and rose to her feet. The teepee swirled around her and Kid pulled her down to a sitting position.

"Don't try that, I did and I can tell you it ain't a good idea. You gotta take it slow."

She noticed he had a blue mark on his forehead. Touching it with her fingertip, she asked him if that was the result of his trial? Kid gave her embarrassed grin as Tessa strode in with the young Doc at her heals, both carrying baskets in their hands.

"No Lou, that happened when he tried to get out of the stretcher and managed to tip both his and yours." Tessa laughed.

Lou turned to Kid and raised her eyebrows. She had no recollection of that, she must have been sleeping harder than she thought she had.

"To save you both from broken legs we had to lay you on the ground, you're both a handful!" Tessa continued with a wink.

"That husband of yours needs tying down!" Tim chuckled.

"He's very rude!" Kid complained whispering into her ear. "You should have heard what he called me."

Both Tessa and Tim chuckled at Kid's facial expression. Tim extended him a canteen and smiled mischievously. "You know the drill!"

Kid moaned.

Even Lou had to laugh at his face of disgust.

"As soon as you've eaten we'll start home. Emma's already waiting!" They laughed as they stepped out.

"Oh Lou, that Doc wants me dead. You don't know what he keeps force feedin' me!" Kid looked into the canteen with a frown.

Lou was already halfway into the most delicious bread she'd ever eaten. "That Doc saved your life, sweetheart, you should be thankin' him!"

"He said he'd give me strychnine if I didn't drink this indescribable stuff." Kid swirled the canteen and grimaced.

"He already gave you strychnine, honey. Tessa tells me that saved your life."

Kid threw her an incredulous glance. "He gave me rat poison?"

"Did you a world of good too," Lou mumbled and sank her teeth into a second biscuit.

"He made your fever break, that's the only reason I'd ever thank him." Kid muttered and turned his stare back to the canteen, swirling it like he hoped the content would disappear by some magic.

"You'll be thanking him by payin' for the weddin'," Lou stated absentmindedly, starting on her third corncookie. They were delicious.

Kid looked at her under his brow. "Honey, how are you feeling, really? You're startin' to talk funny!"

Lou turned her head at his remark. He stared at her with concern. Lou smiled at him while reaching for more food. "Oh nobody told you? Well, he and Tessa are engaged."

The canteen fell from Kid's hand. Lou salvaged it skillfully, avoiding the loss of a single drop. "Careful, or you'll have another one of the longest needles I ever saw in you cute butt."

 

 

Buck quietly helped Jimmy load the wagon they were taking home. Cody was taking Teaspoon, Emma and Blossom in a military wagon. Tim Henderson had offered to drive it at first but Cody just grinned at him. He did not betrust Doctors around horses any longer. Tessa had not been pleased with Cody's teasing and decided to drive home with the rest instead. There was not much they could use to make it comfortable for the one's riding in the wagon but they did what they could.

Jimmy noticed Buck's silence. He had not said more that two words to him since they started preparing the wagon. It was a two day ride home. If it continued like this it would be goddam awkward riding together. "What's wrong Buck?"

"Huh?"

"You look just like Dawn right now and I'm wondering what is going on?"

"Our son died Jimmy, that's what's going on!"

Jimmy flinched. "I'm sorry Buck, I didn't realize.. I mean of course you..."

"No you're right Jimmy, it's something else," Buck sighed and sank down to the ground.

Jimmy seated himself at his side, waiting for him to spill the beans.

"It's Dawn, Jimmy, it feels like I've lost my wife. She is not talking to me and I can tell she hurts."

"I've seen that," Jimmy nodded, "her eyes are empty."

Buck turned to Jimmy. "You see it too?"

"I tried to talk to her but it was like she wasn't there. Like she was somewhere else. She answered me alright, but it was like it wasn't the Dawn I know. It was somebody else."

"I know. I mean I feel the pain of loosing Ike too. I feel it with every breath I take and I always will. As long as I breathe. But Dawn, I don't know, it's like Dawn lost more than Ike. It seems she'd lost herself too. And I have tried everything to make her talk. She is not even mentioning him. She won't say a word and her pain keeps eating her from inside."

They sat in silence for a while. "Only thing she's said to me is that she blames Kid," Buck finally spoke.

"Kid?" Jimmy asked. "Why?"

"She wouldn't tell. But I can see she can't stand being around him. It like she hates him. I've asked Kid but he doesn't know either but it hurts him too. Something must have happened to make him have nightmares and Dawn to loathe him. Kid even tried to talk to her but she looked like she wanted to shoot him. She said Kid let Ike die and Kid can't take it. I know he did everything he could, Softsong told me that, she was there. It's eating at him, I can tell that. If things don't change I wonder how we will be able to stay on the homestead. It's like she's put all her hatred on Kid and he won't stand it for long, you know him."

"Maybe getting out of this place will help her?" Jimmy said softly, sensing Buck pain. "Maybe something will happen to make her come back?"

"Oh Jimmy," Buck sighed as he rose, "something better happen or I'll lose her too. And that would be the end of everything."

Jimmy was left speechless. Buck really meant it. If things didn't change he would probably take Dawn and the children away from the homestead. Knowing Kid Jimmy gathered he would carry the guilt the rest of his life. And where would they go? In these times it was not safe to turn back to their tribe, didn't they know that? How many further casualties would this sickness, brought on by one man's deranged mind, cause? Jimmy knew that if he ever got to know where Daniel Burgh had escaped, he would shoot him. His hands formed fist at the thought of the man that had brought this on.

"Come on Jimmy, it's time to say good-bye." Buck was standing watching the crowd that had gathered further below.

Jimmy smirked and rose. "I don't look forward to having everybody know what Slow-Crow is callin' me."

Buck smiled slightly. "What would that be Jimmy?"

"Weak stomach," Jimmy whispered after glancing around, assuring himself nobody was in hearing range.

Buck let out a short laugh. "Well Jimmy that's the truth now, ain't it? And if Kid gives you a hard time you an always remind him of Ma-ye-tin!"

"What does that mean?" Jimmy hurried his stride to catch up with Buck, hoping he would provide him with something that would stop Kid from rubbing his name in.

"Heart of a woman," Buck said. Jimmy grinned wickedly. Then his eyes fell on Lou and the grin was wiped off his face. "That's not that bad is it?"

Buck had no time to answer as Softsong cradled him into her arms.

 

 

Lou felt tears rise to her eyes as she witnessed the good-byes. Walks-softly lifted her daughter into his arms and called her the bravest little bird. Emma blushed and giggled and Softsong took her from her husband's arms.

Slow-Crow and Kid exchanged a sip from each others canteens and Kid had to admit Slow Crow's medicine tasted worse. Moaning Slow-Crow showed him a bag of white powder, all the medicine he had to take. Kid shuddered at the sight. Both turned and glared in Tim's direction.

Lou laughed as Walks-softly took her into his arms and hugged her. When she was set free she witnessed Softsong throw her arms around Kid and call him "Ma-ye-tin" before she kissed his lips. Lou growled and Walks-softly laughed.

Kid blushed and Lou walked up to him and slid her arm around his waist, causing Softsong and Walks-softly to fall laughing into each others arms.

Jimmy chuckled seeing Lou's face as Softsong kissed Kid. There was something he could use if his name was revealed. Slow-Crow came up from behind him and tapped his shoulder hard, of course yelling his name loud enough for everybody to hear.   
"Weak stomach," Buck translated for every one that wasn't fluent in Kiowa.

Jimmy had to throw Lou a stern glance as she almost keeled over.

 

The only one that stood aside was Dawn. She witnessed the scene and wondered how they could laugh and be happy in a time like this? She hugged her brother but did not say a word. Softsong stroke her hair and mumbled soothingly in her ear. Telling her she would see things differently after a while. Dawn hugged her back but knew she would never see this differently. She had lost her only son in this place and she never wished to come back. At the same time she wondered if she would be able to leave? Leaving would mean leaving Ike too, maybe he was still suffering someplace in these woods?

She silently watched Buck and her family say their good-byes. She turned to walk to the buckboard and almost bumped into Kid. He looked at her before stepping out of her way. Dawn did not bother to look back, she turned her back on him, shrugging as she did. She would rather have left Kid behind and still have Ike in her arms.

She felt his stare on her back and gritted her teeth, walking on.


	18. Chapter 18

Lou dried her tears as they drove out of the camp. She had promised them all to come back under more organized circumstances. She felt like she was leaving one part of her family behind. She looked at Dawn, she really was but her friend showed no signs of sorrow. She sat at the back of the wagon and looked straight ahead. Buck at her side, holding her hand, but she never met his eyes as his searched for hers. Lou was at her wits end. Dawn would not talk to her, she knew something had happened that made her look at her husband with hatred. But Kid said he didn't know what he had done either. His memories were blurry and he did not remember everything, but he remembered holding Ike. She could tell Kid was hurt by Dawn's behavior and was struggling with some bad memories of his own. Lou hoped he'd gather the strength to tell her soon. But right now it seemed it was too fresh and he needed time to sort things out on his own. Dawn would not look at him and clinched her teeth whenever he was around. Both avoided each other best they could. Lou hoped that being forced to travel together on this wagon would solve the problem. Eventually something had to happen. They could not go on like this, it was driving then all out of their minds.

She turned her gaze back to the row of soldier's saluting them as they drove by. Samuel Coulthard was in charge and he made his men show them respect. Cody had chosen the right man to hold the fort till he came back. Her eyes landed on Doc Bannister. The man that she suspected would have let her husband die. But she was not so sure about it any longer, he had helped both her and the Kid in the end. Now he lifted his hand in an army salute and Lou smiled at him, solemnly and respectfully returning his salute.

The pair looked at each other as the wagon rolled by.

 

Bannister saw the woman he had fallen in love with at the first sight. He imprinted her face in his memory, he knew he would never again encounter a woman like that. He held his breath as she smiled back at him, her brown eyes twinkling in the soft sunshine. She was someone he never would forget, she held his heart just like she held the heart of the man sitting at her side in the wagon. He briefly met with Kid's eyes and he knew the man was fully aware of how lucky he was. He turned to watch them drive into the shadows of the trees that shielded the path. He followed the wagon until it was out of sight and then he whispered; "Good-bye Louise McCloud" before he turned to continue his tasks.

 

Kid watched Lou smiling at the Doc that looked at her the same way he did. Poor man he thought, there was only one chance in life to encounter someone like Lou and he thanked God he had met her first. And that she had even considered to be his wife, it took three trials and he was immensely lucky she had finally accepted.

His wife looked at the man for a long time, too long for Kid to like it. "Lou," he said and entwined his arms around her. "You're hurting the poor fellow. You don't know what he just went through."

Lou turned the glittering brown eyes to him and he melted into a smiling fool. "What are you talkin' about Kid, I just saluted him."

"Sweetheart, you just broke his heart. I'm glad you don't treat mine like that, it would have stopped years ago," he whispered into her ear, his breath tickling her so she had to laugh.

"Kid, now you're the one talkin' silly! Need some more medicine?" Lou giggled.

"You flirted with him," Kid told her with a sullen face, "and as your husband I have the right to get outraged of jealousy!"

"Oh yeah?" Lou stuck her nose up in the air. "And who was it, I might ask, who just kissed a woman right before the eyes of his wife. One might ask what that entitles the wife to do?" She peered at him from the corner of her eyes. Keeping her voice solemn, she was the picture of suffering disgrace.

Kid blushed, he looked so sweet when even his earlobes turned red. Lou hid a smile and kept her stern face while the laughter threatened to take over.

"Now Lou, she kissed me! I didn't..." he tried to excuse himself in a haste.He was cut short by the look on Lou's face. "Well it wasn't even a kiss it was more like...Lou?"

Lou shook of laughter. Holding on to the railing of the wagon, she wiped her tears.

"She got you Kid!" Jimmy hollered from the seat in front.

Kid threw him a annoyed glance, Jimmy did not have to remind him he had fallen right into the trap again.

Tessa giggled and turned to watch them from her seat besides Jimmy. "Ok, now you can kiss and make up, we will all keep our eyes shut."

Kid and Lou self-consciously moved a little further from each other. Glancing at Kid, Lou noticed his earlobes still being red. Maybe even more so than before. She covered him with a blanket, Kid tried to protest. But when she entwined her finger into his under the blanket he smiled and squeezed her hand.

Lou sighed and leaned up against him.

When her eyes fell on Dawn she cringed at the look in Dawn's eyes.

 

 

They drove slowly throughout the day. Following Cody's lead, they slowly advanced over the plains. A sight they had all at some instance thought they'd never see again. They breathed the fresh October air, letting it fill their lungs, relieved to be alive and allowed to enjoy the wonder of the land they were driving through.

Lou felt her eyes moisten as she looked at Kid, he was tired and needed sleep but he held on to her hand. His eyes taking in the beauty of the landscape. She was so immensely relieved he still could.

Her eyes wandered over to the wagon ahead were Blossom and Emma sat in the back with their grandpa, waving triumphantly at them. Probably out on a imaginary race, them of course, being the winners. Lou smiled at them and waved back.

Tim sat there too but he had eyes only for Tessa. Lou smiled as the pair tried to give each other signals that they thought were invisible to everybody else. Jimmy laughing and teasing her sister every time he caught one of the glances that passed between the two. Theresa pinched him every now and then when his remarks hit the bulls-eye.

Lou sighed and made Kid lie down before he would fall over the railing in his sleep. He mumbled and closed his eyes as she cradled his head in her lap. He would not be smiling this silly smile in a couple of hours when they camped for the night and he had to take his medicine, she thought with a grin.

Looking up into they sky, she realized she was happy. This was one of the moments in her life she would never forget. One of those instances that everything fell into place and she asked for nothing more. She felt a sting of guilt and looked over to Dawn and Buck.

Dawn was staring blindly over the plains. The look in her eyes told Lou that she saw nothing of the beauty. Neither did Buck. He held on to his wife like she was about to go to pieces. He must have sensed something in her that wasn't visible on the surface. Lou tried to catch Dawn's eyes. To ask forgiveness for the happiness she had felt just a minute ago. Looking at Dawn the happiness disappeared. Her friend was hurting so deeply she had drawn herself completely from the world. And it felt like there was no way to reach her.

 

Dawn neither saw nor felt anything of the beauty surrounding her. She had to clinch her teeth to keep herself from exploding of anger. Every step the horses took carried her away from her son. She had to close her ears not to hear the others talk like nothing had happened. She leaned her head against the wood of the drivers seat, being close to Buck scared her. Him holding her just made everything worse. She had no idea how she was going to survive this trip when all she wanted was to jump down from the wagon and run back to the reservation. And then lay herself down in the woods and die there. Buck would not let her and she was angry at him for that. She was angry at Lou for laughing and flirting with the Doctor. Maybe if he had been there when Ike got sick he could have helped him. Helped him survive as he did the Kid. She hated Kid for his happy face when he looked further ahead and waved at his daughter in the wagon in front of them. Her hate was suffocating her and there was nothing she could do about it.

Except sitting here and fight it from taking over her mind, body and soul.

 

Buck sensed Dawn's tension. The further they got away from the reservation, the harder her muscles got. He was afraid she would burst into a million pieces at any time now. He tucked the blanket around her, afraid that she was suffering from cold and that was causing her to tremble in his lap. "You cold Dawn?" he asked.

"No!" she exhaled sharply and shivered.

He sighed and inserted his hand under the blanket, looking for hers. He found two clenched fist. He stroke her arm but got no response, she stared out into nothing, totally lost. Buck was afraid she was going to explode in his arms. She felt like a powdercake with a burning fuse. He felt Lou's stare. Their eyes met and Buck read all Lou's questions. He let her know he had no answers.

The wagon before them stopped and Jimmy halted his horses, hollering. "Something wrong?"

Cody came strutting towards them. Blossom and Emma were peering expectantly at them from the back. "The girls wanna get home soon and Teaspoon says he feels like driving the whole night through, are you game?"

Jimmy turned to look back over his shoulder. "Better ask them."

Lou looked at Kid starting to wake up from his nap. He looked like he needed a break from the constant movements of the wagon.

"What's up?" He asked and looked slightly cross-eyed. Lou pushed him back to his inert position and turned her eyes to Dawn. She was pale and tense. Her knee must hurt like hell from the constant movements of the wagon, she definitely needed some rest. Buck seemed tense too.

"I think we need some rest," Lou told Cody. Jumping down from the wagon she walked up to Cody. "Why don't you continue, we'll camp here for tonight and start bright and early tomorrow morning."

Jimmy joined her side. "Yeah Cody you go on, we'll catch up."

"You sure?"

Jimmy and Lou shared a gaze, they both thought that maybe Dawn would come round with fewer people around. Something had to happen before she'd burst. Maybe she was holding back her feeling because of the strangers and the children present?

"Oh can we go Ma? I wanna see Noah and Yellow and Rachel..." Emma begged.

"...and Dog and Hope and Charlie!" Blossom filled in counting on her fingers to be sure to mention all.

"Charlie?" Jimmy asked confused.

"The gelding that looks a hundred years old," Kid informed him.

Both girls were hanging over the railing of the Army wagon. Lou turned to Buck to get his approval. Buck nodded. Kid puled himself up to his knees and looked concerned, Lou didn't mind his concern. Kid was always unwilling to let the girls out of his sight.

"Okay girls, you go on ahead!" Lou smiled at them.

With a squeal of joy they disappeared out of her sight to pester their Grandpa.

Tim and Tessa were having a discussion behind the wagon. Tessa obviously came out as the winner since Tim walked back to the wagon looking defeated and Tessa came back carrying the black leather bag. Lou wondered why she felt she needed the Doctor's bag? "You're not goin' with him?" Lou asked as Tessa placed the bag on the carriage.

"Unlike you two, dear sister, we can actually stay apart for a day," Tessa grinned.

Lou gave her a murdering glance.

The wagon in front of them rolled away and they all waved their hands, answering the two small one's that were hardly visible inside the covered vehicle.

"Rid safe!" Kid hollered to Jimmy's amusement.

Lou smiled at his words too, Tessa leaned in to whisper to her. "I think it's better if Dawn has familiar faces around. It might make her come out of this state she's in. If not I'm gonna need to give her some medication, she looks ready to burst!"

Lou turned her eyes to Buck and Dawn. Buck was trying to help her get down off the wagon but Dawn would not let him.

Kid slid down and turned to Tessa and Lou. "I don't think this was a good idea!"


	19. Chapter 19

Tessa and Lou exchanged a quick glance at Kid's remark. He was dead serious. Lou wondered if he had a hunch and in that case what kind of a hunch. His premonitions were scaringly often right on.

Dawn had reached the end of the wagon and tried to climb down. As she swayed, Kid instinctively stepped forward and took a hold of her elbow.

The scene that followed made everybody hold their breaths. Dawn yelled at him never to touch her again. Kicking in his direction, growling at him and breathing hard. Kid stumbled backwards as if he had been hit by the lightning. Lou's mouth fell open. Dawn kept yelling at him to stay out of her sight and never come near her again. She screamed at him till she was out of air.

Kid just stood there, dumbfounded. Tessa reached into the black leather bag while Buck enfolded Dawn into his arms, trying to steady her. Tessa mixed some solutions and took a syringe.

Jimmy and Lou were both too shocked to move. Tessa walked up to the pair on the wagon and spoke soothingly to Dawn while she inserted the needle in her upper arm. Dawn was still furious and Buck had to hold her down with force. Everything they heard was Dawn's angry cries and Tessa's soothing voice as darkness fell and everybody's eyes were fixed on the raging Dawn.

Slowly she calmed down. Buck laid her down on the wagon floor and enfolded her in blankets.

Lou turned her eyes to Kid. He was staring at the sleeping Dawn, he swayed slightly on his feet. His eyes told Lou he had no clue about what was going on. Why would Dawn lash out on him like that? Tessa walked up to the Kid and laid a hand on his arm. "You okay, Kid?"

Kid looked at her and nodded.

Buck turned to them and asked angrily. "What'd you do to her?"

"Why'd she tell you not to touch her again?" Lou asked. She had no idea of the avalanche her question would start. The question came out as a reaction to the scene she had witnessed, it was meant to be innocent.

Kid looked at her like if she had just shot him. "You think I....?" He couldn't get the rest of the words out. He turned to Buck and found him staring at him too. Kid closed his eyes and swayed on his feet. "You actually think I'm a man that would do a thing like that?" His voice was metallic.

Lou finally realized what her question had sounded like. She felt a cold shiver run down her spine when Kid looked at her. It was like he had lost all his faith in her. She took a step in his direction but Kid raised a hand to stop her. "I thought you were my friends, I thought you all trusted me. It seems like it's not just Dawn that hates me, right? To think a thing like that is just....hell, why don't you just shoot me!" His voice was void of emotions as he spoke.

Without looking at anybody of them, he turned and walked away. Tessa tried to take a hold of his arm but he shook himself free, telling her to leave him alone. Lou started to run after him but Jimmy stepped up in front of her and stopped her. Holding her by her shoulders, he looked into her eyes. "I never thought this day would come, Lou. I never in my wildest imagination thought that there would be a day when I had to defend Kid from you, Lou!"

Lou tried to explain herself but Jimmy silenced her with a cold stare. "That man you just accused of rape is my friend. And I'm not friendly with rapists. Hell, the man you just accused is the Kid. Have you all forgotten who he is?"

"Jimmy!" Lou tried again.

"No Lou, you stay here! I'll go get him, he don't need your kind of friendship right now," he snorted sarcastically.

Lou watched Jimmy walk away. She didn't know which hurt more, Kid's reaction to her words or Jimmy's misunderstanding. She turned her eyes to Buck, wondering if he had misunderstood her words too? Buck leaned up against the railing of the wagon, his face hidden in his arms.

"What the hell is happening around here?" Tessa asked them in a trembling voice.

 

 

Jimmy reached out to stop Kid's in his stride. "Kid, wait up! They weren't thinking, Kid."

Kid turned to Jimmy and his eyes were blazing with both anger and pain. "Jimmy, you think I raped her! Even Lou thinks I'm capable of an act like that, and she's been married to me for seven years now."

"Kid sit down," Jimmy said and shoved him onto a fallen branch. "Kid, I know you did nothing to Dawn, and even Lou knows that."

Kid looked to the ground and Jimmy could tell he wasn't capable of convincing him. He wondered if he had done wrong to stop Lou. But at the look on Kid's face, he had sensed the pair was capable of getting into on of their more heated arguments and right now nobody needed Kid and Lou to be on each others throats too.   
"Kid, she wanted to come after you but I stopped her. I wasn't sure you would be able to go a full twelve rounds with her at this stage. I think it's better you do your usual fighting and making up when you feel somewhat better," Jimmy teased him.

Kid did not smile at the joke. He sank down to lean the elbows on his knees, resting his head in his hands.

"Kid, you know Lou!" Jimmy tried again. It was getting so dark he had a hard time seeing Kid on the fallen tree ste.

"She sure don't know me," Kid spat out in a thick voice.

"Oh yeah she does Kid. I'll go get her so she can tell you herself." Jimmy was convinced he had done the wrong thing, Kid needed Lou and Lou needed Kid. When would he ever learn not to interfere?

"No Jimmy, I can't take it right now. I'll talk to her later." Kid's voice expressed a deep pain and desperation.

Jimmy could have kicked himself for his own actions. "You're gonna let her miss you a while, right?" Jimmy hoped that by calling Kid's cards he would fold.

"You're absolutely right Jimmy, as always." The sarcasm in Kid's voice made Jimmy understand that Kid wasn't walking back to the wagon any time soon.

Jimmy made himself more comfortable by imitating Kid's exact position. Yep it felt better than sitting on the stony ground. They sat there for a while in silence. But the silence was not uncomfortable. It reminded Jimmy of the nights they used to camp out. In the days of the Pony Express. Days he occasionally missed. They would sit like this and look at the fire. Jimmy had always known where Kid's mind was, the same exact place it was now, on Lou. Kid had never said much, but by his sighs or involuntary smiles Jimmy could always tell how things were between him and Lou. If he would have known seven years ago that even after being married this long, they'd still have that same passion that made them react without thinking, he might have been more worried about them getting married. Maybe he should have stopped them? Jimmy smiled in the dark, yes that would be a sure way to get oneself killed. Getting between the two of them was like sticking your head into a wolves den and try to take a cub from its mother.

"So tell me, how's Abilene?"

Jimmy turned his head in the direction of the voice. Kid was looking at him, really wanting to know. They had not had any time to talk at all. Jimmy turned his gaze back to the darkness. "Well...."

 

 

Buck raised his face from his arms at Theresa's question. He found Lou staring at him. "Lou, I ...sorry, I reacted badly. I believed for about half a second before I got my marbles straightened out. But I think that half a second was enough for the Kid. I'll go talk to him."

"No Buck, Jimmy went after him, they'll be back." Lou said and rested her hand on Buck's arm. "Were all getting torn up over this. We all say things we don't mean."

They looked at the sleeping Dawn. She looked so peaceful now, like the Dawn they all knew. They half expected her to giggle the way she used to.

Tessa wandered up to their side. "We better get a fire started and some food prepared. It's still a long ride ahead."

Lou sighed and followed Tessa to look for dry twigs to start the fire. They worked in silence. Lou feeling so very proud of her little sister. The orphan child had grown into a capable young woman who was able to take care of herself and others. They gathered some stones to build a provisory fireplace and sat down on the ground. Lou started the fire and Tessa blew on the sparks to make the fire grow. They occasionally threw an eye on Buck sitting in the wagon, watching Dawn. The night was chilly and as soon as they got the fire burning they would help Buck to carry Dawn close to the fire. Lou moved some twigs underneath the fire and had it flare up strong.

"Nice job, sis!" Tessa smiled at her and put a log on.

"You too, Tessa," Lou said and rested her eyes on her little sister cleaning her hands on her dress. "For everything." Lou eyes were wandering more and more often in the direction where Kid and Jimmy had disappeared, why didn't they come back? Still she needed to let Tessa know how grateful she was. "If you and Tim hadn't... Kid might have.. you know!"

"I know Lou, let's help Buck get Dawn to the fire so you can go look for him while I warm the beans."

Lou smiled at Tessa reading her thoughts. She rose to help them and then turned to take the lantern from the carriage. Cursing herself for her worry, she steered her steps in the direction she had seen Kid and Jimmy vanish. She did not have to walk for long before she spotted both of them sitting on the stem, scarcely visible in the dark. Her heart jumped a beat, she had been more worried than she liked to admit. And here the two of them sat, without a worry in the world, chatting. She got mad and felt relieved at the same time.

Both Kid and Jimmy peered against the strong light in front of them. Lou gathered herself not to sound too overprotective. "It's time for you medication Kid!" Her voice sounded harsher than she had intended. She bit her lip, she had sounded angry.

Kid rose from the stem and walked past her without a word. He did not even look at her. Lou knew she had hurt his feeling yet another time. She had to clinch her teeth not to throw the lantern to the ground and run after him and yell at him to stop acting like a child. She took a deep breath before she called out to him; "Kid!"

He turned his eyes to her. They were totally avoid of emotion. Lou took a step back. He always looked like this when he withdrew from her. Still saying nothing, he turned and walked to the camp.

Jimmy came to stand by her side. "Dammit Lou, he did not do it!"

"I never said so!" Lou protested.

"You sure sounded like you did," Jimmy pointed out, taking the lantern from her. Angrily he started for the camp. Lou cursed and followed. Today everything went wrong, how the hell would this trip end? They caught up with Kid soon enough and Lou tried to walk up at his side. As she did, he picked up speed and stumbled in the dark. Lou got mad at his stubbornness, didn't he know she would never think a thing like that, didn't he know her at all?

 

 

Tessa had the beans warming on the fire as they walked up.

Kid flinched at the sight of Dawn and remain standing outside the ring of light the fire provided.

"Kid," Tessa spoke and extended him the canteen. "Take the medicine."

"No," Kid spoke. Lou raised her eyebrows at his childish antics.

Tessa threw a surprised look in Lou's direction before she turned back to Kid. "Don't be a fool, you still have the poison inside. You know you'll be needing this cure for some days yet."

"Hell, why don't you just give me strychnine," Kid stated. "I'm sure you have enough to get rid of me. No trial needed for rapists right?" His frenzied voice made them all jump.

"Kid," Buck moaned from the other side of the fire. "You got it all wrong, I never thought..."

"Oh yes you did, you all did," Kid said and walked to the wagon. Jerking himself a blanket, he sat down to lean onto the wheel. Far enough from them not to be seen in the dark, but close enough to have them under surveillance, Lou thought as she noticed him seat himself against the wagon. Careful not to let anyone of them out of his sight. His whole body spoke of guarded defense. Lou realized he had taken it harder than she had thought. Taking the canteen from Tessa's hand, she walked up to him.

"Kid," she knelt down by his side, trying not to invade his space, in moments like this is might just get the Kid to walk away from her. "Please," she said as he looked away from her, crossing his arms over his chest, telling her to stay away. She could tell that the rage in his eyes was gone and a pain had taken over. "Take the medicine Kid and get to the fire, it's cold out here."

"I need to be alone." His voice was thick as he spoke.

"I'm sorry Kid, I never meant..."

He recoiled from her hand as she reached out to lay it on his leg. He turned his head away from her, telling her loud and clear to leave him alone. Lou felt tears prick behind her eyelids. "Drink the medicine and I promise to leave you alone, Kid," she said and extended the canteen. She waited for him to take it but he did not. Lou had to lay in on the ground before he did take it. With a frown he emptied the canteen and laid it back. His action to avoid her touch hurt Lou more than she was willing to admit. But his childish antics were driving her up the proverbial wall.

She rose to walk back to the fire. She met Tessa halfway back. She was carrying the warmed beans in a cup. "He won't eat them," Lou informed her sadly, "not in the mood he's right now."

"I have a gun," Tessa winked at her, trying to lift the mood.

"Yeah, that's gonna perk him up," Lou sighed resuming her walk to the fire.

Throwing herself onto the ground, kicking the stone before her feet, hard. Jimmy came up by her side. "What the hell did you say to him, Jimmy? Why is he so angry at me for?" she wheezed at him.

"I told him exactly what you tried to tell him, that I know he didn't do it. You just sounded like you believed he did," Jimmy told her. "Forgot his stubborn southerner's pride, did ya?"

Lou knew he was right, she and sounded harsh and angry and Kid picked it up immediately, he always did. Only thing was he did not always get the reason for her anger right. "Oh Jimmy," she sighed.

"Give'm time, he'll come around." Jimmy said and handed her a cup with beans in tomato sauce.

Lou watched Tessa and saw her come back with the cup in her hand. She had known Kid would not touch it, not even with a gun pointed to his head. "He'll freeze to death out there. It's gonna be a long, cold night," Lou almost whined at the thought of Kid sitting so far from the fire. Alone and hurting.

"As soon as he falls asleep I'll drag him to the fire," Jimmy grinned.

"He'll get real mad," Lou warned him.

"At least he's too tired to throw any hard fists," Jimmy chuckled.

"Don't be so sure. They way this trip is going it would not surprise me if you two start fighting too. I'm afraid to think what will happen next."


	20. Chapter 20

Tessa walked up and sat down besides them. "He's real mad all right," she sighed. "Didn't get one word out of him."

Buck moaned. "That's all we need on this trip, a muttering Kid."

"I wish he would at least mutter," Lou growled angrily at Buck.

"Shut up, both of you!" Tessa lashed out, her patience had reached its limit.

All three of them turned to her, their eyes widened at Tessa's outburst. She was the one that had the most even temper of everybody they had ever known. If she got mad, thing's were really bad.

"I'm sorry, but you are all driving me crazy! I wish I had gone with Tim!" Tessa moaned and laid down on the ground.

"Oh!" Jimmy nodded, feigning total understanding. "I forgot you are Lou's sister. It's the fact that you've been away from your beau for, let's see, two hours? It must be painful!"

"Shut up Jimmy, or I'll give you the same cure I gave Kid." Tessa hissed annoyed at him.

"What?" Lou's cup trembled visibly. "What you do to him?"

"What he asked for, I gave him all the strychnine I had left," Tessa stated with a blank face. She started laughing as she saw Lou's eyes almost pop out. "You're so easy, Sis. I mixed something that will make him fall asleep into his medicine. We'll drag him to the fire as soon as he keels over."

"He'll be so mad," Lou repeated.

"I tell you Lou, he already is," Tessa informed her casually.

 

Buck listened to the snores of the others. After dragging a sleeping Kid from the wagon to the fire, they could finally rest. And they needed it. The day had been hard, not like the days when they used to work themselves down to the bones. No it had been hard because it was full of worry and not knowing. He had suspected Dawn would lash out at somebody, he had felt her anger grow with every minute that passed. Turning his head slightly, he saw her sleeping soundly, where did all that anger come from and where would it end?

"Can't you sleep Buck?" Lou's voice reached him from the other side of the fire.

Buck watched as she rose into a sitting position and put another log on the fire.   
"Just thinking Lou," he told her. But he knew Lou understood he was at his wits ends. He had no clue how to deal with this new situation and he feared it would not change until something happened to make it change.

"I miss Dawn," Lou said softly.

Buck felt tears rise to his eyes. What Lou said revealed what they all had seen, Dawn was gone and a stranger had taken her place.

"I miss her too," Buck admitted in a thick voice.

"Well, we'll get her back."

Buck turned his eyes to look at Dawn again. It had been so long and she was not getting better, no she was getting worse. "I don't think so," he spoke his doubts out loud.

This time Lou did not answer him.

 

Dawn woke to a mumble of different voices. Keeping her eyes closed, she felt herself blush at her behavior yesterday. When Kid had tried to help her she had totally lost it. Screaming and kicking at him, she had laid all her guilt on him. Why did she keep acting like this, this wasn't her. Had the Man of Dreams let some evil take over her, was this her punishment for trying to trade lives? Right now she wanted to slide under the ground and never be seen by anybody again.

The voices got clearer and she could make out who they belonged to. Jimmy was making coffee, he kept stirring the kettle and talking to Tessa. They were arguing about the strength of the brew. Playfully scolding each other. Dawn wished with all her heart she could be with them, sharing their friendship. But the lump of hate in her chest would not let her.

She rose to a sitting position and met Buck's eyes. They smiled at her and Dawn felt more ashamed than ever. He extended her a cup of steaming coffee and his action made Dawn love him more than she ever had before. All she wanted to do in that moment was throw her arms around him and kiss him, asking them all to forgive her.

"Morning sleepyhead," Buck said and smiled that smile of his that had her heart jumping. Still after all she had done and all she had left undone, he still cared for her. In shame she lowered her eyes to the ground.

Lou was trying to wake Kid up. Dawn heard Kid groan as Lou spoke to him. "Kid, honey, it's time to go home."

Kid grunted angrily and Dawn wondered what he had to be angry about? As soon as she heard his voice her anger grew and she squeezed her hands tight around the cup she was holding. Afraid she was going to hurl it at him the first chance she got. Her breath grew rapid as she listened to them talking.

 

Kid groaned and turned to his side while Lou tried to wake him up. She had to shake him hard. "Kid, you need some food and coffee, you can sleep when we get home."

Finally he opened his eyes and looked into hers. There was just bewilderment at first, then the pain returned.

"Kid, I'm sorry, about everything that happened last night." Lou realized that one night sleep had not done what she had hoped it would. Kid still remembered and she would have to grovel in the dirt to get his forgiveness. She liked it better when the shoe was on the other foot. It definitely felt better when Kid had to come to her and look like she knew she was looking right now, begging for forgiveness for the hasty words she had thrown into the air. Not even realizing how Kid would interpret them.

"You really thought..."

"Kid, shhhh, not for a minute. As usual you got everything wrong. You gotta believe me."

His eyes locked onto hers she knew he was searching them for the truth. Lou smiled as she knew he would find it in them. He must have found it there because the pain in his eyes gave way for a slight hurt of his male pride.

"Come on you big oaf, we need to get some food into you!"   
Finally she saw a hint of a smile in Kid's eyes. Relieved she extended him a hand to help him get up. She hated to have to fight a war on many fronts. And these past days it seemed like everybody was on everybody's throat, for no reason whatsoever. Or reasons everybody made up in their heads.

"I hope it wasn't you who made the breakfast?"

Lou chuckled. "No Kid, it was Jimmy. I kinda think you're gonna wish it was me after all."

Buck crouched before them and extended Kid a cup of steaming coffee. Lou noticed their eyes meet and Kid's wariness around Buck. Lou almost waited for Kid to refuse the apparent apology Buck was offering him. Just because of some stupid hurt pride.

Buck just smiled and pushed the cup closer. "I might be asking to have some of your medicine later. The smell ain't promisin' good!"

Kid smiled faintly and reached for the cup.

Lou exhaled.

Buck tapped the Kid lightly on his shoulder. "You both look like hell," he said and rose to walk to Dawn.

Lou looked at the Kid. Buck was right, his hair was practically standing and he needed a shave. The blue mark on his forehead had turned greenish. He had a dead leaf sticking up from under his collar and a twig in his hair. Smiling she reached to remove the leaf and straighten his hair out.

Kid looked for something in his pocket and finally found an everything but white handkerchief. Meticulously he searched for a clean spot on the cloth before handing it to her. "You've got soot on your nose," he informed her.

Lou took the rag and wiped her nose, looking expectantly at Kid, she awaited for him to tell her if she got everything away.

Kid glanced around and leaned in to kiss her nose instead. "You're beautiful all the same," he whispered.

Lou threw her arms around him. "You're cute too!"

Jimmy's shadow fell over them. "Remember I've got a weak stomach," he told them, feigning disgust. "I can't take much more of this cuteness."

"Me neither," Tessa groaned theatrically, sending them all into laughter.

Dawn clinched her fist tighter.

 

They traveled in silence. All immersed in their own thoughts. Only thing they heard was Theresa's and Jimmy's friendly bickering in the front. Buck watched Dawn from the side. She had not said a word the whole day, she had said nothing since they left the camp. Would this be how it would be like for the rest of their lives? They where less than an hour from home when the wagon started wriggling violently. Jimmy hollered and stopped the horses just as the wagon swayed heavily and almost threw them off. Lou grunted, they were not going to get home in one piece. She just knew it.

Swinging her feet over the edge she jumped down. The wheel had come lose.

Tessa and Jimmy came up at her side.

"Jimmy, I told you to look out for that hole!" Tessa giggled and poked Jimmy in the side.

"When we were right in it you did," Jimmy sighed.

Buck extended a hand to help Dawn down. She did not take it. Kid watched the pair with weary eyes, feeling he needed to stay out of their way. As they cleared themselves out of the way, Kid jumped down to look at the result of Jimmy's reckless driving. Sighing he went for the wheel.

Lou rolled the shirtsleeves up on her arms. "Let's get it back on!"

Buck, Jimmy and Kid struggled to lift the carriage while the girls tried to hatch the wheel back on. It took several trials before they managed. At the end, Jimmy wiped his brow and stepped back to admire their handiwork. "It should stay on," he mumbled to himself.

"It better Jimmy, I tell you Noah drives the carriage better than you do!" Kid grinned at him.

When Kid mentioned his son's name something snapped in Dawn. The rage that had been boiling inside took over her completely. She reached for Jimmy's gun and snapped it out of the holster. Then she took three fast strides to the side and pointed it at the man that represented all the hatred and rage she felt. It wasn't Kid she was pointing the gun at, it was hate and guilt.

"You deserve to die!" she said.

Lou and Tessa were cleaning their hands on the dried grass besides the trail. At the sound of Dawns voice they both turned. The sight of Dawn with a gun pointing at the Kid standing by the wagon made Lou's knees buckle. Tessa threw her arms around her to keep her from falling down. A growl left Lou's lips. Tessa held her back and took the gun from her sister's holster. Tessa wondered how many were going to be hurt or killed?

Jimmy stared at the woman beside him in shock.

"Stay where you are," Dawn wheezed as he made a move to take the gun out of her hand.

Jimmy saw the finger on the trigger tremble. His hand sank back. His eyes went to Kid standing at the wagon. Kid's eyes were calm as they stared into the barrel of the gun. Jimmy's mind raced for a solution. The look on Dawn's face made his mind go blank.

"Dawn!" Buck cried out. "Let go of that gun!"

Dawn did not look at her husband as she lowered the gun to point directly at Kid's heart.

"Ike's dead and you deserve to die," Dawn said with a voice that made the rest hold their breaths.

Jimmy closed his eyes and gripped his remaining gun. But he knew he would not be able to bring himself to hurt Dawn. Even if she killed Kid. Turning his face in Lou's direction he knew Lou would probably not hesitate. One look at her face made Jimmy realize he was right, but he had no idea how to stop the events that were unfolding before his eyes. Whoever that would pull that trigger would change everything forever.


	21. Chapter 21

Everybody was holding their breaths.

Lou glanced nervously at Buck who took a step toward his wife, afraid that she might do to the Kid exactly what she was threatening to do. She was definitely not acting in a rational manner and Buck knew that all the emotions that had been boiling in her for the past days had surfaced in yet another explosion. Her fierce stare in Kid's direction scared him stiff, she was capable of killing him, he sensed that. He dared not talk.

Lou's glance was glued to Kid as the silence grew thicker around them. She watched his eyes as he met Dawn's stare of pure hatred. Lou shrugged at the pain in Kid's. Neither of the two spoke, both Kid and Dawn stood there staring at each other, Dawn's hand raised, with the gun pointing at the Kid. Lou wondered why she felt like pinned to the ground, her heart beating fast, throbbing against her ribs. But she had no force to move a single muscle in her body. Lou felt Jimmy breathing shallowly at her side. He had his hand on the gun left in the holster and Lou asked herself if Jimmy would shoot Dawn if she pulled the trigger on Kid?

"You let him die and for that you deserve to die yourself!" Dawn repeated with a chillingly emotionless voice.

"Then pull the trigger," Kid said and Lou flinched at his words.

Tessa's fingers were digging into her arm. But she could not move, sensing that the slightest event would provoke Dawn to end Kid's life. And, in a way, her own in the same instance. Lou's and Buck's eyes met again, the same pain meeting over the distance. The same sense of hopelessness.

"Dawn," Kid spoke, his voice resigned. "I know you need somebody to blame and I have carried your hatred. If you think the action you're contemplating will free you from it, then go on, pull the trigger. But remember that the evil in the world will go on, even with me gone. And you will become part of it by killing me."

Dawn stared disbelievingly at him and Lou closed her eyes, her fingers dug into Jimmy's coat. Praying that Kid's words would get trough to her friend's mind that was clouded with the deepest of sorrows, that of losing a child. She dared not open them again till she heard a noise of something hitting the ground.

Dawn had turned and flung herself into Buck's lap. Crying like like a child, her cries of pain were soul wrenching. It was the deepest of despair Lou had ever encountered in her life, wailing's she wished would stop before they tore her soul apart. Her eyes went to Kid. He stood motionless at the same spot, looking at the woman in Buck's arms. Hearing her wails and knowing she somehow blamed him for the loss had drained all the color from his face. Having stared into the barrel had been easier than listening to Dawn's despair.

"Kid," Lou whispered. Letting go of Jimmy she rushed up to him, throwing her arms around his tense body. Tessa stopped Jimmy from joining them. Lou buried her head in Kid's coat. "It'll be alright," she mumbled into his shirt. He was sweaty and tense, shivering slightly under her touch. He had gone trough enough, he did not need this too! She force him to sit on the wagon, fearing his legs would buckle under him, just like hers were threatening to.

"No, it won't Lou," his voice was emotionless as he turned his gaze over the plains. "It will never be the same again."

Lou shivered at his words, she knew Kid wouldn't handle it for long. She knew he wouldn't be able to carry Dawn's hatred, he cared about her too much not to mind.

"And I have no clue what to do about it," he stated with a thick voice as Dawn's sounds had calmed to sobs. "I don't even know exactly what I did? But whatever it was by God I wish I had left it undone. I wish I would have died instead of Ike."

Lou closed her eyes in despair at Kid's words, she knew he meant it. If he had been able to prevent the death of the boy, he would have. And Lou knew that deep inside Dawn must have known this too, all along.

Kid's words carried through to Dawn like daggers piercing her soul. The words he spoke opened the dam that had imprisoned her feelings in hate. She knew he was right, she had used him to carry the weight of her hatred. The hatred that covered her deep sorrow. A sorrow she was afraid to let out, knowing the impact might crush her if she let it surface. She turned everything onto the Kid instead, just because he had been there and because she needed somebody to blame and Kid seemed the obvious choice at the moment. And because she herself had wished him, instead of Ike, dead. She hadn't been able to face that wish until now as his words expressed her hidden wish and made the truth hit her hard. Buck gazed into her eyes, his expressing the sorrow and pain, not only for Ike's death but for her own sake too.

"What have I done?"Sshe whimpered and wriggled out of Buck's hold.

She walked slowly up to the pair in front of her. Buck took hold of her elbow, stopping her.   
"Kid!" she called out, making the two of them jerk their eyes in her direction. Kid slid down from the wagon and took a step to the side. Lou stepping in front of her husband, as to shield him.

Her actions made Dawn shudder, Lou really thought she would have been able to hurt the Kid.

"Kid, I'm so sorry," she walked hesitantly up to him, her eyes brimming again, tears of shame filling them now.

Kid moved uneasily away from her, like a whipped horse shying from the hand that kept beating. Dawn had a lump of sorrow stationed in her throat. As she stopped in front of them, she reached out a hand to lay it on Kid's arm. Kid visibly flinched and recoiled from her touch, the action sending the tears freely flowing down her face. What had she done?

"Kid, I know now why I blamed you. I understand I had to hate you instead of myself. When I heard you were missing I could not take anymore. I turned guilt and worry into hate. I hated myself for thoughts I had that no dignified person should ever let cross their mind. A thought so scary I had to hide it from myself. I couldn't face my own feelings so I turned it all into hatred. Kid, you had nothing to do with it, it was all me!" Dawn locked her gaze onto his, begging him to at least try to understand. "I trust and love you like a brother, Kid, that's why I felt I could lay it all on you. But I had no right, and all I can do is ask for forgiveness."

Lou stepped back, sensing the two needed to clear things up between them. Buck joined her, silently stepping up besides her. They both looked at Tessa and Jimmy. Jimmy's jawline was tense and his hand was still on the one gun left in the holster. Lou realized that Jimmy would have blamed himself if Dawn had pulled the trigger of his gun.

Without a word he bent down to take the gun Dawn had dropped.

Kid's pain-filled eyes went over to Lou's in search of support. Lou gazed back at him, letting him know she loved him. And that whatever Dawn would say, nothing would change that.

"Kid, listen to me. I know that all that I've done to you this past week has hurt you dreadfully and that I'll have to redeem my actions for a very long time. But I need you to tell me I at least can try to get your forgiveness some day. Kid, you were there all the time and I wasn't. I feel so guilty for letting the children and most of all you, down."

"Dawn...you were sick.." Kid started awkwardly and took a step in her direction.

Dawn grabbed the front of his shirt and rested her head on his chest. She paused for a second then it all came out, all the hate, all the self-blame and all the fears she had directed at the Kid. Unable to bear the feelings herself she told him everything she had harbored inside. Fully knowing they all were in their right to hate her guts when she told them all the full truth. But she needed them to know, she felt it would be easier to carry than the hatred that had almost consumed her.   
"Kid, I told the man of Dreams to see to it you'd die instead of Ike. I prayed in my dreams you would, even as you sat by my side helping me, helping us all. When they told me Ike had died I have never hated anybody as much as I hated you in that instance. I wished with all my heart Emma would die so I could tell you the same and cause you the same pain I was going through."

Kid stood silently and watched Dawn clutched to the front of his shirt. Her voice was filled with pain but it sang out loud and clear. "Then when you got sick I rejoiced, I rejoiced in picturing me telling Lou you died like a dog, all alone. I hated you for what happened to Buck and to Ike. I didn't even tell anybody you were sick when I found you by that creek. I would have let you die there!" Dawn voice was shivering and she felt like throwing up at her own words. What kind of a person would do the things she had done?

Lou's eyes narrowed and she felt her anger for the woman in front of her rise. Buck sensed Lou's breathing change and took a hold of her to steady her. Jimmy let out a growling sound. Then Lou lowered her eyes to the ground, realizing she probably would have felt the same if it had happened to her. Not so many days ago she had been prepared to end Doc Bannister's life herself, in a fit of blind rage as she believed he was going to hurt Kid. In shame she understood that she'd been able to negotiate a similar trade of lives if necessary.

"That's not true Dawn," Kid spoke calmly. "I got sick while you still had a high fever, you couldn't remember when I got sick. And you didn't find me. Walks-softly and Slow-Crow did."

Dawn looked bewildered up at Kid. "But I remember me telling the Man of Dreams to tell the spirits to take you instead when they wouldn't take me! I remember walking by you on the bank, laughing at your pain!"

"No Dawn, you never did any of those things. Those things all happened in your feverish mind. I know because mine was playing tricks on me too. And even if you had, I'd understand. You fought for your son's life and in these cases everything is permitted."

"No Kid, what I did was downright cruel and despicable. It was just like the action of the men starting it all." She sobbed into his lap and Kid looked distressed in Buck's direction. Like asking him what to do. Buck looked at his friend and nodded encouraging at him to do what he felt was right.

Kid tentatively put his arms around Dawn. "I'm just so immensely sad I couldn't save your son's life, Dawn. I will carry that burden with me for the rest of my life and you have nothing to ask forgiveness for. I ask you forgiveness for letting your son die."

"I need to know how it happened Kid! Tell me and we can both let the burden go."

Kid visibly stiffened at her words, recoiling from her. Lou watched his eyes grow darker and she knew he was going trough hell. Buck held her back as she wanted to reach out for her husband. "I think they both need to do this," he whispered holding her back. "They have to let it out to free themselves from this hold that the events still got on their souls."

"Kid, not knowing is the worst part, please tell me, I can't remember," Dawn pleaded. Kid swallowed and moved his stare to the horizon. Standing there gazing unseeingly, both Buck and Lou could tell he was gathering his strength to revisit the nightmare.

"You both had a very high fever Dawn. I tried to keep it down by keeping you cool. But he was so tiny, Dawn. He fought with all his strength, I could tell that. I was scared that whole night, he seemed to get worse by the minute And then he started to have these seizures that scared me out of my wits, Dawn. I called for you but you were so sick, Dawn. I just took him into my arms and held him until he stopped breathing. I knew he was going to die but still I could do nothing. I just held him and told him I loved him. Cause I did Dawn, and I don't know which part was worse, seeing him suffer or feeling him die in my arms. I asked God to end his pain! And he did, so maybe it really was my fault, I'll never know if it was and...." Kid paused and closed his eyes.

Lou knew now why he had the nightmare's, Kid really thought his words may have ended Ike's life. Kid opened his eyes and continued hoarsely. "Then Softsong brought him to you and you held him for a while. I don't think you remember but you kissed him and then you called out for Buck. Ike was buried the day before your fever broke. He was buried the Indian way, but I wasn't there, Walks-softly told me." Kid's voice broke at the last sentence and he lowered his head.

Lou felt tears run down her face hearing Kid talk about what had happened for the first time. She turned to Buck that had lowered his head. With a deep sob she threw her arms around her friend crying silently.

"You held him when he died?"

"Yes Dawn, he died in my arms while I told him how much we all loved him."

At his words Dawn buried her head deeper in Kid's shirt and threw her arms around him. "Thank you Kid, I needed to know that. I was so afraid he had died alone." She started to sob again, in a calmer fashion now. This time her sorrow was pure, there was no hatred involved. "I'm sorry Kid! So sorry, please let your burden go, there's no need for you to carry it!"

"I can't Dawn, you know I can't," Kid said and Dawn knew he meant it. It wasn't his son but Kid cared all the same. She should never have doubted it.

"Then I'll help you Kid, we'll all help each other."

Their eyes met and for the first time Dawn had the strength to look into Kid's eyes and feel the friendship that had always been there. Knowing her son died while held by somebody who loved hi made her breathe easier, she had blamed herself for not being there when he passed. But Kid had been there, Ike had not died alone. The knowledge soothed her like no words could ever have.   
"We'll be fine, won't we Kid?" Dawn looked up into his face, knowing she had treated him terribly. And he had taken it all. Now she needed to know she could redeem her action and they'd be able to return to being as usual. That Ike's death would not bring on more fatalities. They'd all need the friendship they'd formed. She knew that now.

"Eventually we will Dawn," Kid nodded, but his eyes were directed at Lou.

Dawn turned her head to follow his gaze. Lou was standing at Bucks side, a hand on his shoulder. Buck had fallen into a heap on the ground. Hiding himself from the world. Dawn could tell he was crying. She kissed Kid's cheek before she let go of him to turn to Lou.

"Forgive me Lou, for my thoughts and my actions."

Dawn hands were already on Buck's shoulders. Lou and Dawn gazed at each other for a moment, then Lou nodded and smiled through her tears. She tried to speak but couldn't. Dawn could still tell from Lou's eyes she was forgiven. She enfolded Lou in her arms and hugged her friend tightly. "Don't worry Lou, I love him like a brother and I would never had hurt him."

Lou hugged her back with conviction; Dawn had returned.

Tessa and Jimmy shared a glance. Then Jimmy leaned in to whisper in her ear. "I was afraid Lou'd go for the gun when Dawn kissed him."

Tessa brought her hand in front of her and showed Jimmy Lou's gun. "I had no idea how this all was going to end Jimmy, I had to take precautions."

Jimmy laid and arm over her shoulder's. She was Lou's sister alright.

 

They stood there for what seemed an eternity. Lou stood holding Kid tightly enfolded in her arms, unspeakably happy just to feel him breathe and relieved he had finally spoken of the moment that had been tormenting him. He stood there clutching her into his lap, his chin resting on her head. Neither of them spoke, there was no need.

Dawn held on to Buck till his sobs ebbed out, then they sat there in silence, listening to each other's heartbeat. His hot breath against her skin calming into its normal rhythm. She silently stroke his hair, soothing him the way he had so may times these past days. She loved him so intensely right that moment. Her heart felt about to explode as she realize he had been there for her even though she hadn't. His love was unconditional and pure. Knowing she had been unfair to him too, not talking to him, not explaining herself to the man she shared everything with, he had still been right at her side. When his dark burning eyes met her, mirroring the pain she knew so well, she smiled at him. Letting him know she could take it, there was no need for him to hide it away from her. She was finally able to help him like he had helped her.

"Let's go home Buck," she whispered and helped him to his feet. His legs seemed weak and she embraced his middle to help him walk.

Buck tried to keep his weight from her but she pulled him closer. "Buck, you can lean on me. I need you to lean on me this time."

Buck stopped struggling and sank into her hold. He knew he had been holding back the sorrow for his son and now it had landed on him with a devastating weight. He found it hard to breathe, his heart felt like it was pumping despair into his body as the full impact of losing Ike finally sank in. He stood at Dawn side and slowly regained his senses. Ike was gone and the emptyness would follow him for the rest of his life. But he knew Dawn would help him go through it, his wife had finally returned.

Dawn took part of his weight upon her and smiled. Her knee started to ache but she did not mind. Buck's heart ached worse than her knee ever would, and she'd lessen his hurt any which way she could. She helped him up on the wagon, holding his hand as he climbed up. As their eyes met she tilted her head enough to enable him to kiss her. As his lips met hers a tear ran down her face, she had Buck and right now that was all she needed.

Jimmy spoke for the first time in what seemed days. "We better get ourselves home, my stomach needs some rest!"

Tessa poked him in the side and snorted. "You're just wanting to fill it with Rachel's stew."

Jimmy grinned at Lou's little sister. "You're forgettin' Cody's probably eaten all the provisions in the house, chances are that I'll be cooking beans for ya all again coz' o' Cody!"

Lou smiled at Jimmy's joke.

And for the first time they heard Dawn's giggle. The giggle that resembled water running over stones. The giggled turned into a soft chuckle. Buck had to take a tighter hold of his wife while her body shook of laughter, his eyes brimming of tears from the sound of it. The giggle that had always them all smile had returned. Dawn directed her eyes at Kid and Lou, this time they were shining of laughter. "I forgot about Billy! He's probably finished the plates off too!"

Lou pictured Cody nibbling at the porcelain and chuckled herself.

"Come on Buck, I'd hate for him to start on Hope's favorite plate!" Dawn giggled and pushed him further up on the wagon. Buck couldn't help himself. Tears running down his cheeks he cupped Dawn's face into his hands and kissed her deeply.

Kid and Lou's eyes met and for a moment it seemed like nothing had happened. For a brief second it seemed that no troubles at all had clouded their existence. They gazed into each others eyes, hungry for reassurance. His eyes still mirrored the pain and she extended a hand to brush away the hair from his brow. She'd let him have all the time in the world to heal.

"It's alright Kid, eventually it will go away, honey, I'll make it go away!"

A smile tugged at Kid's lips and Lou pulled his face closer to hers. When his lips touched hers she closed her eyes and counted her blessings.

"Let's go home!" Tessa whined breaking their kiss. "You can continue this later, I need some rest."

Lou chuckled at Kid's red earlobes.

Jimmy sighed in the background. "Yeah it's high time, all this is making my head dizzy!"

Lou had to laugh at Jimmy's complaining as they walked to the wagon.

Tessa shoved Jimmy out of her way. "Not half as dizzy as your driving makes me, Jimmy. Move out of the way and I'll show you how it's done!"

"That poor Henderson fellow does not have a clue does he?" Jimmy chuckled finding himself forced to leave the reins to Theresa. "I sure hope he's got a strong stomach!"

Dawn extended a hand to help Kid into the wagon. Kid took it and swung himself up. Lou cried in relief as they both turned to help her up. They were were gonna be alright. After all, they were survivors.


End file.
